Coquette - Twilight Fanfiction

The Small Print -- Chapter Six

2009-08-24T00:49:14Z

The Small Print -- Chapter Five

2009-08-13T05:50:39Z

Pain on Pain -- Epilogue

2009-08-10T14:20:22Z

Pain on Pain -- Chapter Seven

2009-08-08T23:07:19Z

Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”

Rated: T for sexual content.

First chapter here. I usually post a link to the chapter at Fanfiction.net, but they won't let me log in. I think they're having technical difficulties. I'll post the new chapter there once things calm down.

Author's Note: Dearest readers, I have lied to you. *braces self for wrath* This is still the final chapter of the story, but I haven't included the epilogue here the way I originally intended to. The epilogue is giving me fits, and it's prevented me from posting this chapter for days now. So I split the epilogue off from this chapter completely. I'll post it tomorrow if I can iron it out in time. In the meantime, here's chapter seven. Sorry. :(

***

Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette

Chapter Seven

When I got home, the first thing I did was wash my face.

I scrubbed the residual tears from my cheeks and didn't shed anymore. The hot water felt so good on my skin that I stripped my clothes off and got into the shower. I breathed in the steam and let the hot water relax away months of tension.

I took my time. Washed my hair. Found some nice smelling soap that Renée had sent me last Christmas. Pampered myself a little. It was time to start taking care of myself. Do things for me. With or without Edward Cullen.

When I emerged from the bathroom an hour later, my hair dried and neatly combed, I crawled into bed and slept.

***

The numbers on my alarm clock were the next thing I was aware of – numbers that didn’t make a bit of sense. I couldn’t decide if it was eight in the evening or eight in the morning. I rolled over and yawned, stretching until my toes curled. It took my fuzzy brain a few minutes, but I finally deduced from the elongated shadows in the room that it was evening. Outside, the sun had set. I had slept the afternoon away.

The house was cold, empty – but outside I heard the sound of a car door slamming. A moment later, keys rattled, and the front door opened and closed.

Charlie called up the stairs that he was home.

I sighed when I heard his voice. I’d forgotten to make dinner for him. But that wasn't the only thing bothering me. When I’d heard the car door slam, part of me had hoped it was Edward, coming to talk to me. Part of me had even hoped I might wake up to find him in my bedroom.

I took a speculative look around the room – but no, he wasn’t there. My pillow smelled like him, though, and that made my heart hurt a little.

I buried my face in the pillow and lingered in bed, thinking. I’d told Edward to take some time apart from me to think about what he wanted, so it shouldn’t surprise me that he would actually listen. But I still wanted him to come. I wanted to know where we stood.

And I missed him. Now that I’d gotten all of that anger out of me, I just really and truly missed him. I wanted to see him. Talk to him. Find out if he was okay. But whether or not that would ever happen was out of my control. I had to let it go.

I sat up in bed and ran my fingers through the tangles of my hair. I felt lighter. Relaxed. Not happy, exactly. But ... more at peace than I'd been in a long time.

Charlie rapped his knuckles on my bedroom door, and he poked his head in. “You asleep, kid?”

“Just waking up from a nap,” I said. “Sorry about dinner. I conked out and forgot.”

“Don’t worry about it," said Charlie, rubbing the back of his neck. "I, uh, sort of already ate. Brought you something home if you’re hungry.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks.”

Charlie cleared his throat, shifting on his feet like he was uncomfortable. It struck me that he didn't typically come to my room when he got home, especially if I was napping or otherwise busy. And he rarely hovered. Something was up with him.

“Everything okay, dad?” I asked.

Charlie rested a hand on the door jamb but didn’t speak for several minutes. “Had an interesting conversation over dinner. Why don’t you come downstairs and get something to eat. We’ll talk about it.”

I frowned. “Is it bad news? You don't look happy.”

Charlie threw his hands up like he didn’t know one way or the other. “Not sure, Bells. Think that decision is gonna be your call. Come down when you're ready.”

***

Charlie left me alone so that I could change out of the clothes I’d slept in. But I was curious as to what had him in such a strange mood, so I dressed and brushed my hair in a hurry.

"Dad?" I called as I clomped down the stairs.

"In here." His voice came from the kitchen.

I found Charlie in front of the microwave – about to blow it up. He had dished out some food for me but had left a fork on the plate when he put it in the microwave. Sparks flew. Charlie cursed and started pressing every button on the display -- which of course, only made things worse.

I smirked and helped him locate the problem. "You distracted or something?"

"Or something," he grunted, throwing the slightly smoking fork into the sink. He restarted the microwave, then turned and went in search of a beer in the refrigerator.

While my food heated up, I noticed that there was a new message on the answering machine. I hit the button, and a familiar voice spoke through the small speaker.

"Bella, it's Jacob."

I stiffened – waited.

Charlie's head popped up from behind the refrigerator door. “Was wondering where that kid was."

"Look,” continued Jacob’s message. “I'm sorry how all that went down this morning. I really am. I didn't want to just ... I mean, it's not like I had a choice, you know? I'll try to explain later. I can't promise anything, but I'm really gonna try. Just ... be careful, okay? And take care of yourself. I'll talk to you as soon as I can manage it. Bye, Bella."

Take care of myself?

"Already on it, Jake," I muttered as I deleted the message.

But then I smiled – because the last thing I wanted was to lose Jacob as a friend. The message had given me hope that there was bigger story behind that scene this morning. Still, the jerk had better get ready to do some apologizing. I'd had it with emotional tug-a-wars.

Charlie twisted the cap off of a bottle of beer. “What was that all about? You two have a fight or something?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Or something," I said, turning his earlier words back on him.

"Don't be cute. I'm in a mood."

"I noticed. I'm not in trouble, am I?"

"Why? You done anything bad I should know about?"

"Dad."

Charlie wrinkled his nose. Then he leaned in close and sniffed at me, a disapproving look on his face. "You smell like a girl. You dolled up for a reason? What is that -- perfume?”

I blinked, completely baffled by his mood. “Um. Soap, actually. Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?”

Charlie heaved a dramatic sigh -- then drank half of his beer in a single go. “Edward Cullen came and talked to me today.”

My heartbeat faltered for a second, and then started a rapid accelerando. Something warm blossomed in the base of my stomach. It might have been hope – but it was definitely nervousness.

To our right, the microwave beeped. We both ignored it.

“We talked over dinner and a beer,” Charlie continued. “Well, I had a beer, and he watched me drink it. He told me some things. Explained some things that needed explaining. And I think you’d be proud of your old man because I only threatened him with my firearm once."

I closed my eyes and groaned quietly.

"But it meant a lot that he would come to me like that. Present himself, so to speak. Apologize.” Charlie scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Kid even had on a tie. Can you believe that? I barely wanted to sit next to him, I was so embarrassed. Still, he was trying real hard. I didn't want to give in, Bella. I wanted to drag him down the highway with my police cruiser -- you know, by that stupid tie of his. But he had this look on his face." Charlie trailed off, a sadness finding its way to his eyes. "It reminded me of my face after your mother left. God knows, I understand what it's like to lose something you love. And I really do think that kid loves you, Bella. Dumb-shit that he is, I have to admit that much."

Color stained my cheeks, and I looked away.

“You should probably know he’s waiting outside to talk to you," said Charlie. "I told him you might not want to see him, and he said that’s fine. But if you do, he’s out there.”

My heart twisted, nervousness and excitement leaving me breathless. Edward was here. On my porch. He'd actually come. I wanted to go out to meet him immediately, but the troubled look on Charlie's face made me hesitate. “Are you going to be disappointed in me if I go?”

Charlie took another long drink from his beer. “Let's put it this way. If your mom had shown up on my doorstep months after she left, I would have taken her in in a second. Asked questions later. So no, baby girl -- I won’t be disappointed in you. But I want you to guard yourself this time, you hear? Because I can't watch you go through something like that again. I think a second round might do your old man in.”

I put my arms around Charlie’s neck and buried my face in his warm chest. "I love you, dad."

"Oh, kid," he sighed, patting my back awkwardly. "You have no idea."

***

Charlie walked me to the front door, arm around my shoulders.

On the moonlit porch, I found Edward, looking like he wasn't certain if he was welcome or not. His hair was wild, his eyes guarded. And bless him, he was wearing a tie – but it was loose like he'd been tugging on it nervously. Though dressed up, he looked every bit as rumpled as he did before, his button-up shirt untucked, the sleeves pushed up past his elbows. In my eyes, he'd never looked more beautiful. Still, it amazed me that someone so strong and impervious could appear so achingly vulnerable at times.

I gave him a little smile -- and when he returned it, the hint of sweetness in his eyes made me want to wrap my arms around his middle and squeeze.

Charlie stepped between us and got right up in Edward's face. "I’m watching you, kid. I find out you hurt her? Well ... I’ll just let you finish that threat with your imagination. Whatever you come up with, multiply it by fire."

"Yes, sir," said Edward, nodding. "And thank you." He held out his hand to shake with Charlie.

Charlie looked down at the outstretched hand, incredulity obvious in his expression. “Too soon, son.” And then, muttering under his breath, he walked back into the house and shut the door.

Edward and I were left staring at each other.

And my heart was about to thump out of my chest.

I flushed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Sorry about my dad."

“Don't be," said Edward. "He only cares about you.” He studied my face for a long moment, so beautiful standing there with the moonlight in his hair, I couldn't help but wonder if he was real or not. “You look like you're feeling better.”

I shrugged and crossed my arms over my chest. “I do feel better. Got some sleep. I’m still tired, but it helped.”

"If you're tired, I'll make this quick, then." Edward held out his hand to me.

I drew in a breath and kept it there.

At first, I wasn’t certain why I hesitated to accept his hand, but it eventually occurred to me that I was afraid of what he was about to tell me. This could be a repeat of our breakup for all I knew. But I had asked for this talk, hadn't I?

I let the breath I was holding ease out of my lungs. It left my throat dry, aching. “Where are we going?” I asked.

“Just out a ways,” said Edward, hand still extended toward me. “Charlie’s listening at the door. And I’d like to show you something. Will you come?”

Reluctantly, I held out my hand and let him take it within his own. Drawing closer to me, he squeezed my hand and stared down at me with those eyes that made me forget things.

I was scared to death. But I followed him.

***

Hand in hand, Edward led me toward the woods. Overhead, a smear of stars spanned the sky, and the moon blazed on the horizon. But once we stepped under the canopy of trees, we lost every bit of light.

I couldn’t see after that, but I trusted that Edward wouldn't let anything happen to me. He guided me around every obstacle, his arm coming around my middle if I needed a little extra help. I knew he could hear the way my heart thudded when his fingers curled around my waist, lingered on the small of my back, but he never mentioned it.

I squinted in the gloom and saw a dim, flickering glow up ahead, lighting up the trees like a ghostly movie was playing in the distance. When we drew near, I saw a small clearing in the trees. There was a blanket stretched out on the ground. In the middle of the blanket, strangely enough, was a single chair. Candles peppered the ground, shielded by glass containers that wouldn't cause a fire if they tipped over.

The candles in particular made me uncertain. They made the entire scene appear romantic, but I didn't want to read more into the situation than absolutely necessary. That was dangerous.

As I stared at the clearing, something tugged at my memory bank. I stumbled to a halt, suddenly unwilling to take another step. I realized that it was the exact same place where Edward had broken up with me. I looked up at him, and I'm sure he could tell from the look on my face that I wasn't happy with his choice of location.

“I don’t mean to bring up bad memories," he explained. "I’m trying to give you new ones -- better ones -- to replace the old. Will you trust me?”

I hesitated, wavering on my feet. “I want to trust you."

It was the only answer I had. I didn't know if I trusted him. Not with this, anyway.

He didn’t push me. But as I stared up into his eyes, wreathed in fire from the light of the candles, I could see that he wanted this very much. That was probably the only thing that encouraged me to go along with it. After all, he'd listened to me earlier this afternoon -- even after I'd thrown things at him like a child. The least I could do was allow him to do whatever it was he had in mind.

I took another deep breath and nodded my consent. We sidestepped the candles, and Edward guided me toward the chair, indicating that I should sit in it.

“Why is there only one chair?” I asked, feeling a bit strange.

“I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable while I talked,” said Edward. "There's so much to say." Then to my surprise, he got down on both of his knees in front of me and enclosed my hands between his.

I shook my head, embarrassed. “Edward, why are you...? You really don’t have to do that.”

Edward didn't appear to have heard me. Eyes closed, he brought my hands to his lips and held them there for a long time. His cool breath weaved between my fingers, tickled every nerve ending of my skin, until I could barely sit still.

"I'm sorry."

The words were spoken so softly, I barely heard them over the quiet stirring of leaves overhead.

Edward lifted his chin up, my hands still cupped between his, but he didn't look at me. He shook his head as if something had agitated him. "All I've thought about this afternoon is how inadequate that phrase is -- I'm sorry -- but it's all I can say right now. I don't have any excuse for my actions. I have reasons, but I can't claim any real justification in them. So I'm left with nothing but an insipid apology. I messed up, Bella, and I'm so sorry."

I freed one of my hands and brought it to his face. "Edward..."

"Please don't try to comfort me," he said. "It just makes it worse when you're so sweet after what I did to you." He pulled my hand away from his face and kissed my palm.

I watched his face, mesmerized by the ever-changing stream of emotions I saw there. Anger for one moment, then frustration, then sadness. Then he looked up at me finally -- right in the eyes -- his gaze bolder than I'd seen since he'd returned to Forks.

“You came to my house earlier today and asked me to let you say what you needed to. And I'm so glad you did because I needed to hear it. Now I need to get some things out, too, Bella. That's difficult for me. I've got everyone else's thoughts in my head -- sometimes I forget my own thoughts aren't as accessible to my loved ones. Sometimes I forget I have to let people see what's going on in here." He tapped his forehead. "That they don't know unless I tell them. There's so much I didn't realize you were mistaken about, Bella. And I realize that's my fault.

"I need you to understand how precious you are to me -- how much I love you. You need to know that I lied to you when I said I didn't want you. Bella, I can't see straight for wanting you. That's something that hasn't changed from the second I laid eyes on you."

I turned my face away in reaction to his words, unable to hear them. My hands started to shake within his.

Edward smoothed my hair back, away from my eyes. "I hate that you don't believe me. But that's my fault, too, isn't it? Do you even understand why I left?"

I shook my head, still not looking at him.

"Maybe if I explain what I was thinking, you'll see how much I really do care about you, Bella. Like I said before, I don't have any excuse for walking out on you like that, but I do need to set some things straight. I think you know what triggered this whole mess, but it’s really been going on for much longer than that. The incident with Jasper on your birthday just served as a wakeup call -- that one day, associating yourself with me was going to get you killed. Or worse. From the second I met you, I’ve brought nothing but danger and pain into your life."

My eyes flew back to his face. I opened my mouth to protest -- because what he'd just said wasn't entirely true -- but he touched his fingertips to my lips before I could speak.

"Look at the situation through my eyes, Bella. Not yours. What would you do if the tables were turned? What if I were the human, and you were the monster? Would you bring me back to your world? Around the other monsters, hoping and praying I won't be killed -- but knowing it will eventually end that way? What would you do if it were me?”

I stared at him, suddenly doubting things I was so certain of a moment ago. I thought about how much I loved him, and how much it frightened me to even think about him in any kind of danger. What would I do to keep him safe? Would I leave him? Was that really the reason Edward had left me in the first place? Was Alice right when she'd told me that everything Edward had done was rooted in love?

“I don’t know what I would do,” I replied quietly.

Edward gripped me by the arms, eyes pleading with me. “I still don’t know what to do. I was wrong to lie to you, Bella, and I was wrong to leave you without explaining all of this before. But the problem remains. Do you know that Alice sees you becoming a vampire one day? Do you have any idea how much that terrifies me? Not because I don't want you by my side, but because of everything you would lose -- your soul being at the top of the list. So what do I do? Stay with you, and either doom you to death or to a half-life like my own? Or stay away from you, and hurt you to save you? I still haven't made up my mind. On one hand, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my non-existence with you. On the other, I feel incredibly selfish for even considering it.

"Just ... try to understand what it's like for me, Bella. Try to imagine searching your whole life for someone. I'm sure you've been there, had those moments, but you’re only eighteen. Now multiply that by more than four, and you’ll be closer to the number of years I've been alone. I'm not telling you that to lessen what you feel -- I'm telling you so that you can understand how precious and rare you are. I’ve searched for you for so long, but I had no idea that when I finally found you how much you would come to mean to me. Or what I would be willing to do to keep you safe. I don’t think I really understood love before you. You are literally part of me. I would rip myself apart in a second if it meant saving you. I would rip us apart -- for you.”

I considered his words, trembling within the firm grasp of his hands. “Are you trying to tell me you're going to leave again?”

Edward shook his head. "I’ve already promised you I wouldn't – not unless you ask me to. This has to be your decision, Bella, because it's your life and death we're talking about here. Your soul. And mine -- because if you go, rest assured I'll follow right after you. I've told you my fears. I've told you what Alice has seen. Is that what you really want? Please consider the cost before you answer. The future could change in an instant, and suddenly Alice might not see you as a vampire at all. She might see you on the ground with your throat ripped out instead."

"People die, Edward. When it's my time to go, at least I'll have had however many happy years with you. I'm at peace with that."

My response seemed to hurt him somehow -- his face crumpled like he wanted to cry, but he simply wasn't able to follow through with actual tears. "That's your decision, then? You still want to be with me, even after everything I put you through? Even if you lose yourself in the end?"

"That's my decision," I said. "For better or for worse. I love you, Edward."

He sighed, sounding relieved and pained all in the same breath. "I guess I'm going to have to come to terms with that, then. But I'm not going to lie -- I hate it. I hate that I can't have you and keep you safe at the same time."

"You're going to have to let that go, Edward. Or you're never going to find peace."

He still looked troubled, but he nodded, accepting my words. "Do you ever think you can forgive me for this whole mess?"

I gripped his tie and pulled him closer until our foreheads rested together. "I forgave you once I was done throwing pinecones at you."

We both laughed a little at the memory, and some of the tension leaked away. Edward slipped his arms around me, pulling me to the edge of the chair until his body was between my thighs. "And will you finally accept that I love you?"

My smile faded, but I didn't wince at his words this time. Didn't deny what he'd said. But his it still didn't make sense to me either. "I don't know why," I whispered, still holding onto his tie like he'd slip away if I let go. "I've never understood it."

"Hush," he scolded gently -- nuzzling me, fingers inching up the sides of my ribcage. "I never want to hear you say that again. I'll prove it to you if you won't believe me."

I shivered at the feel of him, pressed in so close to me. "How?"

He pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You'll see," he said, a hint of a smile on his lips.

I moved off of the chair like my body had a mind of its own. His strong hands were ready to catch me as I straddled him, and he eased me down onto his lap. Pulled me tight against him and kept me there, safe.

"You'll see," he whispered again, rocking me gently back and forth.

I sighed and buried my face in his shoulder, his tie still weaved between my fingers.

***

Epilogue coming soon.

Author's Note: I'm a bad person, I know. I just really wanted to get this chapter up to give you guys something. Forgive me? Going to try my best to have the epilogue posted by tomorrow.

Oh, and I need to give credit where credit is due. Charlie's line -- Kid, you have no idea -- is from an episode of Gilmore Girls. One of my favorite lines from that show ever. I didn't intend to just nab it like that, but once I wrote it down, I couldn't bring myself to rewrite it. Sorry, Lorelai.

I just love pretty boys in ties.
-Coquette

Pain on Pain -- Chapter Six

2009-08-02T21:35:04Z

Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”

Rated: T for sexual content.

First chapter here. Also posted here at fanfiction.net, if you prefer reading there.

Author’s Note: Several of you have asked if Jacob is going to make an appearance in this story. He is, but I want Bella and Jacob's relationship to end up much the same way it did in New Moon -- and if you recall, it didn't end very amicably. (Sorry, my Team Jacob bbs. It’s seriously nothing against the studly Mr. Black. If it helps, remember that they reconcile in Eclipse.)

***

Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette

Chapter Six

I’d forgotten little things -- like how our bodies fit together so effortlessly.

He wasn't as tall as I remembered. I kept expecting him to tower over me ... like Jacob. But if Edward were any taller, my head wouldn’t fit so perfectly into the nook between his chin and his chest – my own personal shelter.

Edward's hands moved down the length of my back, soothing me, handling me like I was something precious to him. And he kept saying those words -- repeating them like a mantra -- whispering them in my ear, breathing them on my skin.

I love you.

I soaked it up -- a withered flower left too long without care – but to be completely honest, deep down I didn't believe him. It had never made sense for Edward to feel that way about me. I thought perhaps he was just saying that he loved me to help quiet my tears, but it felt good to hear the lie all the same.

He shifted our position and pulled my face away from his chest to hold it between his hands. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, so close to my lips that I couldn't help but sigh his name. The sound of my voice seemed to excite him, set him into motion again, and he dipped his face down to the side of my neck so that he could breathe in the scent there.

Was this really happening?

I felt light-headed, like I was slipping out of my own body. I gripped handfuls of his shirt to ground myself. He moved his lips across my neck until they were resting directly over the pulse, right at the vulnerable base of my throat. “God, Bella, I want you so bad, I can’t think,” he whispered hoarsely.

Then he kissed me there, on the hollow of my throat – open-mouthed and wet.

Immediately, something vital shifted in the mood of our embrace.

Our faces came together, both uncertain, imploring. His eyes were wide, inhuman, almost feral -- but they sought permission. I leaned forward a millimeter, and that's all the encouragement he needed. He weaved his fingers in my hair and brought his lips to mine.

The world slid away until all that remained was him.

As amazing as it felt, somehow the kiss made the longing inside of me worse. Like fire trying to quench fire.

I had never been kissed like that. There was an urgency behind his movements -- a desperation that had me gasping and flailing to keep up. He didn’t hurt me, but it wasn't gentle either. I was overcome. Euphoric. Terrified. I knew nothing, only that I never wanted it to end.

Edward lifted me off of the ground and held tight me against his chest with one arm, his other hand still in my hair. He angled my head to the side, parted my lips with his tongue, and deepened our kiss immeasurably. More fuel on the raging fire. I moaned against his mouth, feeling myself lose control of my senses.

The wind was suddenly in my hair, whistling in my ears, and I felt the overwhelming tug of acceleration on my body. Like a rollercoaster shooting off from a standstill.

The kiss never broke, but I opened my eyes to see what had happened. Edward had carried me into the house in a mere second. A second after that he had me up the stairs and in my bedroom.

He slammed the door shut behind us and carried me to the bed.

***

“Bells?” I heard Charlie call from downstairs. “You here?”

Edward's body, which had been on top of mine, was suddenly gone. I blinked, astonished, and looked about the room. He had vanished without a trace.

Charlie's footfalls sounded on the stairs. They were urgent, like something was wrong. I nearly fell off of the bed as I stumbled onto my feet.

“Bella? Answer me.”

“Up here, dad,” I called out shakily, running my hands over my body to smooth out my clothes. That was when I realized I wasn’t wearing as many clothes as I had been two minutes ago.

I stared at myself the mirror in shock. My cheeks were bright red -- lips, too. My shirt was unbuttoned to the waist and pushed off of my shoulders, where it pooled at the buttoned cuffs at my wrists. I was still wearing my bra, but the skin on my neck and chest was peppered all over with red marks from Edward’s kisses. I also had what my mother would have referred to as sex hair.

You had to give Edward one thing. He was certainly efficient.

Charlie was closing in on the door, and I rushed to lock it before he could enter. As I tugged my shirt back into place and fumbled with the buttons, he tried the doorknob.

“Bells? You okay? Why is your door locked?”

“I'm fine, dad. Just changing.”

His tone shifted instantly. “Oh. Um. Sorry. It's just that the front door was wide open. And there’s a chair knocked over in the living room. Looks like a tornado blew through. I thought something might be wrong.”

I flushed. “Sorry, dad. I was in a hurry, I guess. I’ll be more careful.”

"Why were you in a hurry? You going somewhere? Bella, open the door.”

I smoothed my shirt into place, ran fingers through my wild hair, and unlocked the door. Charlie came in and looked around suspiciously. When he saw the empty room, he relaxed a fraction, but his eyes were still sharp as he took in my appearance. “You’re blushing,” he accused. “You never blush. Not since...” He leaned in closer. "No, not blushing. You've been crying. Your face is all blotchy."

I looked away. Charlie was correct on both counts -- blushing and crying. “Please, dad. I’ve had a really long day.”

"It was him, wasn't it? Figures. That boy can't handle giving you a moment of peace. Gotta stir things up the second he gets into town. He didn't come here, did he?"

My eyes widened before I could stop them, and I prayed he didn't notice. "That’s unlikely, isn’t it?"

Charlie grunted. "Well ... if he knows what’s good for him, he better not. I don’t like the way he plays with your head. Do your homework, kid. Don't want you going anywhere tonight with that goofy look on your face. I'll be downstairs watching the game."

I watched him tromp down the stairs, keeping my eye on him until I saw the light from the television come on. Then I closed my bedroom door and leaned heavily on it.

I could feel my pulse pounding in my lips – and in every other place Edward had kissed me. I put trembling fingers to my lips and felt how raw and swollen they were.

Oh, my...

I blinked and suddenly Edward was standing on the other side of the room, as far away from me as he could get. I didn't hear him before I saw him, so his sudden appearance startled me.

Neither one of us moved or even spoke -- but the looks on our faces said everything.

I was beyond stunned.

Edward was stunned as well. And absolutely panicked.

It was obvious he regretted what had just happened. He had his hand over his mouth -- as if the entire situation was the fault of his lips, and he was intent on keeping them in line. He bore a striking resemblance to the speak-no-evil monkey – only with sex hair that matched mine.

When he finally uncovered his mouth, his words came out in a jumbled mess. "Bella. Sweetheart. I am so sorry. I just ... you were ... so soft.” He raked his fingers through his sex hair. “And warm! And I haven't touched or kissed you in so long, and I lost control. It was a mistake. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

He hadn’t, but I wasn’t coherent enough to reply. I shook my head dumbly instead. Then I took a step toward him, anxious to pick up where we’d left off, and he took a step away from me.

I stopped, and my gaze fell to the ground. Oh. It was like that. A mistake, just like he'd said.

He held up an imploring finger. "That's ... not a good idea. Not so soon. I can't..." He looked away. “It won’t happen again. I shouldn’t let myself lose control around you like that. It’s dangerous. I'm sorry. I love you more than anything in the world, Bella, and I-”

"Stop," I said, cutting him off, "saying that. Just stop. Do you even mean it, or is it just lip service to make you feel better about this whole mess?"

Edward let his hand drop to his side. "Of course, I meant it. Why would I lie about that?"

"Precisely what I was wondering," I said. "Because you either lied to me back in September, or you're lying to me now. Which is it, Edward?"

He fell silent again – evasive and distant like before – and that was enough to push me over the edge. I could handle it if he told me one way or the other. But this constant back and forth was torture.

“Leave,” I said quietly.

Edward blinked at me, obviously caught off-guard. “You want me to...?”

“Go,” I confirmed, gesturing toward the window. The hurt look that registered on his face compelled me to clarify because I couldn't stand seeing him like that. “Please. I’m sorry, Edward. I'm angry, and I'm trying so hard not to blow up at you. I need to think. Process. Calm down. Just go, please.”

Edward stared at me a moment longer -- then he nodded and approached me cautiously. Bending down, he kissed me on the forehead. "I told you that first day I was back that I would only stay around unless you asked me to go. I'll always give you space if that’s what you need."

***

I was in a mood the next morning.

I didn't sleep a bit that night, especially with Charlie checking on me every twenty minutes. Instead, I stayed up and thought about Edward.

Mouth open against mine, hard body pressing me down into the mattress, hips moving between my thighs, hands worrying at my clothes.

Really. How was I expected to sleep after that?

So I paced and chewed my nails down to the quick -- but no matter how I tried to spin the situation, I couldn't make sense of it. Edward was full of contradictions, his actions going completely against his words to me last fall. That in and of itself was enough to incense me.

I felt like I had emotional whiplash.

As much as I had enjoyed having him in my bed -- okay, that was a bit of an understatement -- I was still angry. His rapid backpedaling had hurt, especially when he'd been so quick to call the whole thing a mistake. Not to mention his inability to be completely honest with me. What was I supposed to do with that?

It didn't help that Edward had actually been sweet last night -- so sweet and attentive it made my heart hurt.

And beautiful. God, he was pretty.

But even that made me angry. How dare he seduce me with his pretty words and his pretty face, turn all of my assumptions around on me, then call it a mistake and push me away.

I was running late to school, compliments of my mood and lack of sleep. I hurried outside to my truck, opened the door, and threw my bag inside with a huff. If I couldn't take my anger out on Edward, at least I could afford myself a little road-rage.

"Hey now," said a voice from behind me. "What did that truck ever do to you?"

I wheeled around. Jacob Black was standing by the end of the truck-bed, hands buried in his pockets. He wasn't smiling.

Surprised, I skidded on the driveway but somehow managed to keep my balance. "Jake," I gasped.

It was beyond good to see him. My best friend, the person who had loved some life back into me when I was so unlovable. I took a step toward him, ready to throw my arms around his neck -- if I could manage to reach that high -- but he backed away. I drew up short, feeling the sting of rejection acutely. It seemed as though everyone was doing that lately -- backing away from me.

I tried to keep the hurt out of my tone, afraid he would leave. "H-how are you? Are you okay?"

He shrugged dismissively, and I could see from the tired look on his face that he wasn't okay. Worry tugged at the pit of my stomach.

"More or less," he said. I barely recognized his voice when he talked to me like that -- like I had betrayed him somehow. "I came because you called. A lot. And you should probably stop doing that."

I stared at him, not understanding. "Why would I stop calling you? I care about you, Jake. I've missed you so much."

His face softened a little -- a very little. "I don't think we can be friends anymore, Bella."

I started to tremble, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. Why, why, why did this scene remind me of another?

"But ... why?" I asked. "What did I do wrong? Tell me, and I'll apologize and try to make it better."

"You'll be fine," he said bitterly. "Especially now that your boyfriend's back."

My mouth fell open, shocked. "Edward Cullen is not my boyfriend. And if that's why you're mad, then that's just stupid. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that."

Jacob's eyes shone bright in the morning sun. "Not your boyfriend, huh? So I guess you gave yourself that hickey. Impressive. I didn't realize you were so flexible."

My hand went to my neck, and I tugged on my shirt collar to hide the mark. "Real mature, Jake."

"I'm not here to fight with you. And I'm not walking away because of him. Date who you want. I've got other stuff I have to deal with." His voice was full of sudden animosity, and I wasn’t entirely sure it was aimed at me. Something had him upset – something he didn’t want to tell me.

"Are you at least going to tell me why?" I pleaded. Then I remembered something. "It's that Sam Uley, isn't it? He finally got to you."

Jacob was instantly defensive, and I knew I was right. "It's not... I can't..." He trailed off, looking angry and frustrated. It was as if he literally couldn't choke out what he wanted to say. Finally, he put together a coherent string of words. "Look, I can't talk about this, Bella. I just can't, okay? Really. Can you accept that?"

I shook my head. "Accept that you want to ditch me without a reason? Go off and join Sam Uley's gang? No. I can't. I care about you too much, Jake."

Jacob sighed, looking miserable -- like he wanted to be anywhere else but here, talking to me. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you. Believe me, I wish things were different, but they’re out of my control. Look, I have to go. The others are waiting for me. But before I do, I need you to tell Edward something for me. A message from us to all the Cullens." He said the name like it was a curse word. "Tell them we remember the treaty and that they should, too, if they know what's best for them. We're watching our borders."

"You're not making a bit of sense," I said, still shaking my head in denial. I was close to tears. "Don't do this, Jake."

Jacob ground his teeth. "Tell him this, too. Tell him that if he ever lays a finger on you – hurts you in anyway -- I don't give a rat's ass about any treaty. He better watch his back. Bye, Bella."

"Jacob..." I stared in disbelief at his retreating form. "Jacob, please!"

He didn't turn around.

***

Perfect.

My loved ones were dropping like flies. First Edward, and now I'd lost Jacob, too. I had no idea why. Was I really that unlovable?

I didn't remember driving to school, but I must have because the next thing I was aware of was the sound of my shoes hitting the gravel in the parking lot. I walked to class like a zombie, too shocked to hear anything anyone said to me.

Edward wasn't in his seat in first period, which I didn't find odd until the bell rang. The teacher took a roll call, his bushy eyebrows raised when he noted that Edward wasn't present.

I stared at the door -- waiting for it to open and for him to rush in. Where was he?

Class started, the seconds on the clock ticking by almost mockingly. Edward never showed -- to that class or any other that morning.

It frightened me. Really and truly scared me -- especially when I saw that Alice was missing from her table in the cafeteria.

The words Edward had spoken to me last night rang in my ears.

I told you that first day I was back that I would only stay around unless you asked me to go.

Stunned, I stopped walking, right in the middle of the lunch-line.

Oh, God. I had thought he meant that he would leave me alone for the night -- but he hadn't meant he was going to leave Forks again, did he? Had I gone too far in pushing him away?

After our turbulent encounter last night, I couldn't be sure. Perhaps my reaction to Edward’s absence from school was irrational, but my emotions were too raw to handle the doubt. First the situation with Jacob, so eerily similar to that breakup last fall -- now this. There was no way I was going to be able to finish out the day without knowing for sure.

I backed out of the lunch-line, dug around in my pockets for my keys, and walked out of the building.

***

Instinct alone helped me locate the Cullen house. I was upset and having trouble thinking straight, but somehow I found the pull-off. I felt a small amount of relief when I saw that the garage door was open, several cars visible inside. Someone was here. But that didn't mean he was, or that he wasn't planning to leave and simply hadn't had the chance yet.

As I got out of my truck, the front door opened, and Edward stepped from the house. "Bella?" he called, coming into the yard. The small amount of sun peeking out through the trees turned his hair a vibrant shade of bronze. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?"

I exhaled in relief when I saw him -- but started shaking with anger a second later. "I should be asking you that," I said. "What, no goodbye this time? No kiss on the forehead? Take care of yourself, Bella. "

A few more strides and Edward was in front of me, his face alarmed as he read the anger upon mine. "What are you talking about?" he asked cautiously. "Are you all right?"

"You're leaving again, aren't you?" I said, gesturing toward the garage. "Probably rounding up the troops as we speak, packing up the cars to make a quick getaway."

Edward's lips parted, the look on his face difficult to read. "Bella..."

"I asked you to leave last night because I needed time to think."

"I realize th-"

"Not because I wanted you to leave-leave!" I said, cutting him off. "I swear -- you make me so mad sometimes, I just want to throw things."

I looked around, snatched up a pinecone, and lobbed it at him -- unsatisfied when it merely glanced off of his shoulder. So I threw another. And another. As many as I could find. Most of them missed -- and none of them would ever hurt him, of course -- but it felt good all the same.

I heard laughter and turned to see where it came from.

"Hey, Bella!"

I followed the sound and saw Emmett waving from an upstairs balcony. Jasper and Esme were there as well -- Jasper doubled over with laughter, and Esme covering her mouth to hide her amusement. Her eyes sparkled at me fondly.

"You should throw something bigger if you really want to hurt him," called Emmett. "Like your truck. Want Jasper and me to lend a hand?"

My eyes shifted to Edward's face. He'd stood there the whole time, patient and unmoving, as I'd pelted him. Now he had pinecone seeds in his hair, and I felt terrible.

My face crumpled. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered, fists clenching into little balls. "I love you."

Jasper and Emmett both chorused, "Aww..." as they hung over the balcony.

Edward exhaled and shook his head, obviously annoyed with his brothers. He started for me, and placing a hand on the small of my back, led me away from the house -- and hopefully out of earshot of his family.

We stopped beneath a cover of trees, and Edward put his hands on my shoulders, leaning in close. "Sweetheart," he said, "the sun is out today."

I stared at him, trembling, trying not to cry. "What?"

"The sun," he repeated patiently. "It's shining. My skin, sparkling. Alice and I couldn't come to school today because of it. That's all. No one was planning to leave."

I stared up at him wordlessly. Then I looked around and noticed the little patches of sunlight all around us -- the way his skin seemed to shatter into rainbow prisms where the light touched him. All the pieces fell into place.

"Oh," I whispered, looking anywhere but at him. I felt foolish, stupid. I tried to turn away, but he wouldn't release my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I just ... last night I told you to leave. And then I got scared that you really did. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

Edward opened his mouth to say something.

"Just let me get this out, okay?" I pleaded. "It's so hard to say what I'm feeling when you’re around. I get so happy to see you that I forget why I'm angry. And then later, I'm left with all that anger still inside of me, and I don’t know what to do with it all. Please."

Edward squeezed my shoulders and then released me. "Just let it out," he said, backing away a few steps to give me some space. "Say what you need to say. I don’t like seeing you like this."

Half of his face was shrouded in shadow, the other half glittering like diamonds from the sun. The dichotomy wasn't lost on me.

"I just don't understand you," I started, each word like poison leaking from my veins. I had to get it out of my system if I was going to heal. "I don't understand how you can be so loving one moment, then so cold the next. I don't understand how you could be the type of person who would risk your life to save mine from James, and then abandon me only a few months later. And Edward, I don't understand anything that's happened since you came back. Not one second of it. Like why after so many months apart, you suddenly show up again -- or why you would tell me you loved me after you convinced me you didn't." I shook my head, tears spilling over onto my cheeks. "God. I can't think with you sparkling at me."

I turned my back on him, swiping tears from my cheeks. "Jacob came over this morning," I continued. "Jacob Black. I don't know if you know who he is, but he took care of me while you were gone. And this morning, he ditched me. Just up and left -- said we couldn't be friends anymore without an explanation or anything. And it all came pouring back to me like it was yesterday -- that day when you left. I'm angry, Edward. I'm pissed off. What you did was wrong. I don't care if you love me or not -- you don't treat people like that. You don't pretend to care and then walk away, hoping it all fixes itself. It hurt, Edward. It hurt so bad, I didn't know what to do with it all. And then, seven months later, you just show up again -- all beautiful and sparkly. And you keep telling me things and doing thing that confuse me and mess with my head. And you gave me a hickey! I mean ... how am I supposed to hide that?"

I sniffled and hugged myself. "It wasn't right, Edward -- and it's not okay. But I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my temper like this, and I didn't mean to throw things at you. That wasn't right either. All I know is that I love you. I love you so much, it makes me irrational. And maybe that's what this whole mess is really about. Love making us irrational.

"I think I need to go now. I said what I needed to say. Got it all out. I think I'm going to be okay. And you don't have to follow me, Edward. I know you have a good heart, and I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me just because I'm upset and crying. The months I spent with you were the best of my life. I love you, and I can't believe how lucky I was to have you for even a second. I will always love you, but it wouldn't be real love if I wasn't willing to let you go if that was what you wanted. So I don't want you to follow me. I want you to think about what's best for you, without me here messing with your head. Once you figure that out, just let me know – one way or the other."

***

To be concluded.

Author's Note: Haha, so much raaage in this chapter. And flying pinecones -- we mustn't forget those. Don't worry. I think she got it all out of her system.

One more chapter, bbs. Up soon, I hope. Thanks for reading.

Cheers!
Coquette

Pain on Pain -- Chapter Five

2009-08-01T02:25:39Z

Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”

Rated: T for sexual content.

First chapter here. Also posted here at fanfiction.net, if you prefer reading there.

Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette

Chapter Five

The burger consisted of two patties, four slices of cheese, several onion rings, and something that was an unearthly shade of green oozing out from the upper bun. I thought perhaps it might be guacamole, but it would take a braver person than me to know for sure.

I looked from my burger, up at Alice's face, then back at the burger again. “This is the ‘something special’ you had in mind?”

We were at a local fast food joint, a hole-in-the-wall that Charlie often spoke of in reverent tones. It was the sort of place that made me yell at him if I found out he'd eaten there.

“Apparently it’s the highest calorie meal in town,” said Alice, eyeing the burger with as much distaste as I was. “Eat up now. Before it erodes the table. Besides, I don’t want to look at it any longer than I have to.”

“Then why did you order it for me?”

Something sad hovered on the edges of Alice’s smile. “Well, I thought that much would be obvious, but you never were very self-aware, were you? You’re so thin, Bella. Please eat something. Looking at you right now ... well, it hurts a little. I feel responsible.”

"How are you responsible for that?"

Alice wasn't smiling anymore. She just shook her head in reply.

I picked up a French fry and nibbled on the end of it. “Better?”

She sighed. “Not remotely. I owe you an apology, Bella. I don’t even know where to start.”

“You don’t owe me anything," I said, frowning. "I’m just really glad to see you, Alice. You have no idea.”

“Oh, I have a pretty good idea. I usually do. But that doesn’t negate the rest. So ... do you want the long version or the short?"

"Of what?"

"My apology and explanation, of course. You had to know that was where this was going."

"I thought we were just going to hang out," I said. "And you've already apologized, though I don't even know for what."

"For leaving without saying goodbye," she clarified. "Oh. And let's not forget the seven months of silence in between."

I looked down at my plate, uncomfortable under her repentant stare. I had never felt as though Alice owed me anything – but admittedly, I had been hurt by her actions. Not as much as Edward’s had hurt me, but it was there all the same.

She blew her bangs upward with a gust of breath. “Okay. Here it goes. I'll give you the long version because I doubt Edward's told you anything about anything. You know why we left, right?"

I nodded slowly. How could I forget?

"I mean why we really left," said Alice. "I know what Edward told you, but surely you didn't believe that. Anyway, I listened to him when he wanted to leave Forks, and I shouldn’t have. To be honest, after watching my lover almost tear your throat out on your birthday, Edward was making a little more sense than usual.

"The thing is," she continued, "I’ve never been one-hundred percent certain if Edward is the best thing for you. You’re very good for him, believe me – but I worry about your well-being, too. And ever since our family came into your life, you haven’t exactly had an easy time of it. And Bella, just so you know, that’s not going to end anytime soon. That’s something you need to consider.

“What I’m trying to say is that I left because I thought separating you from our world was best for you. But I should have talked to you about this before I left. At least said goodbye. Edward begged me not to. He said it would make things worse – that a clean break was best. Believe me, I’m done listening to him. He gets a little crazy when it comes to you.”

I traced a finger along the Coke glass in front of me, chasing a droplet of condensation down the side. “Not gonna lie, Alice,” I whispered. “It kind of sucked when you just suddenly weren’t there. In a big, big way.”

“I know," she whispered back. "I saw some of it. Edward asked me not to keep an eye on you when we left, and at first I tried – but the visions came on their own whenever I started to miss you. I didn’t interfere, mostly because I still wondered if Edward was right – that we were the cause of your problems and coming back would only make you feel a hundred times worse than you already did. And besides, whenever I saw you doing something reckless – like riding that silly motorcycle – I could see you wouldn’t really get hurt.

“But when I saw you in that meadow and Laurent showed up – and I wasn’t able to get to you in time – well, most of the family agreed we couldn’t just leave you here unprotected anymore. We sort of ... forced Edward’s hand.” She sighed, and her smile returned. “That part was marvelous.”

I stirred my drink with my straw, stomach too tied into knots to actually drink it. “Forced his hand how?”

“Well, after I saw Laurent confront you, I didn’t know what to do because I never saw how that vision ended. You just sort of went blank on me." Alice waved a hand across her eyes as if she were blind. "When you suddenly popped back into my sight not long afterward, I saw that Laurent hadn’t hurt you like he said he would. I couldn’t make sense of it, but at least I knew you were alive and okay.

"I got the whole family on a conference call and told them what I had seen. Edward reacted in the usual way. Swearing, self-flagellation, shaking his fists at the heavens – why, God, why – you know how he gets. After he was done, he said he wanted to check on you by himself, kill Laurent – but still stay away from you. He didn’t want the rest of us anywhere near you either. He said this was the very thing he’d wanted to protect you from when we left -- the main reason he'd left you in the first place.”

I frowned, wondering if Alice had her facts straight. Edward had left because he’d wanted to move on and didn’t want me to come with him – not because he wanted to protect me.

“To make a long story short," she continued, "the rest of us disagreed with him. Carlisle finally put his foot down. He said that we had obviously left you with more trouble than we’d realized, and that it was our responsibility to make it right. Carlisle said he was moving back to Forks, and that the rest of us could come if we wanted. All of us agreed – all except Edward, that is.

"Don’t get me wrong, Bella. Edward wanted to come back to you. He’s crazy about you – literally. But the combination of worrying about you and worrying that we were all going to mess you up even more ... well, it really got to him. He fought with Carlisle for hours. Carlisle reluctantly agreed to try to keep ourselves as much out of your life as possible – that appeased Edward enough that he finally calmed down.”

Alice shook her head. "I love my brother, Bella, but when it comes to you, he only sees things in black and white – and anything that has to do with you getting hurt is black as pitch. He thinks we’re going to get you hurt, so right now, we're the bad guys to him.”

I nodded to let her know I was listening, but I didn’t really comprehend everything she was saying. A lot of it just didn't make sense, not when I remembered what Edward had told me last fall. “I’m sorry you’re fighting over me,” I said.

“Oh, trust me,” said Alice, "we needed to fight. It aired out a lot of things, and I think it’s going to be okay very soon. And it’s good we came back. I saw some other things – other paths we could have gone down. It’s for the best." She reached across the table to grab my hand and give it a squeeze. "Just remember, above all else, Edward loves you. He can be thick sometimes. Blind, even. But if you look deep into every single one of his actions, love is at the bottom of it. Just ... think about it, Bella. I think you might be shocked at what you discover.”

I stared at her blankly.

She looked troubled as she studied my expression. "You don't believe a word of that, do you? That Edward loves you." She sighed and squeezed my hand again. "Oh, Bella. You're just as short-sighted as he is."

***

Alice and I spent the rest of the afternoon together.

We left the fast food restaurant (and the repulsive meal) behind and stopped by the local market instead. I grabbed some snacks and a bottle of juice to make her happy, and we drove my truck to a pullout on the highway where the trees were particularly pretty. We sat down on the tailgate of my truck to talk.

She told me what she'd been up to while she was away and about the rest of the family, too. I listened eagerly and stammered out awkward replies when she asked questions about me. Every now and then, she would bring up Edward -- make little comments about how much he cared about me -- but eventually she let the subject rest. I think she could read the disbelief on my face.

“He’s lurking out there in the woods, by the way,” said Alice, a knowing smirk on her face. “As if I wouldn't notice. Can you hear the theme from Jaws in your head, or is that just me? Oh, now I've done it. He heard me, and he’s coming this way.”

My stomach twisted nervously. I took a deep breath and turned to look, cheeks flushing when my eyes locked with Edward’s. Would I ever get used to the sight of him? He emerged from the woods about fifty yards away and headed in our direction – obviously displeased, though perhaps not as angry as he’d been when Alice had kidnapped me after school. His eyes were unusually lackluster, and his bronze hair stood on end, as though he'd been running his fingers through it. I still wasn’t used to him looking so disheveled.

“Oh – hello, Edward,” said Alice. “Bella and I have been discussing how ridiculous you are. It was a very long conversation. I’m sure you heard most of it, though, didn't you?”

Edward glared at her. “Are you quite done? It'll be dark soon."

Alice laughed and hopped off of the tailgate, clapping her hands to dust them off. “Sorry, Edward. But Bella and I are far from done.”

“You know what’s in the forest,” said Edward, pointing toward the trees. “We talked about this last night, Alice. I don’t care if you can’t see any danger. I don’t like her so exposed out here.”

“Yes, that must be why you’re upset with me,” said Alice sardonically. “No other reason at all...”

“Don’t yell at Alice,” I said to Edward. “You’re not going to keep us from seeing each other. Just stop trying.”

Edward opened his mouth to say something, but Alice took his hand before he could – then she took my hand as well. “Now, children. Let’s all remember that we love one another and try to get along. Otherwise, if we don’t, I foresee that we will all die horrible, fiery deaths. Are we clear?”

Edward narrowed his eyes at his sister. “You are joking about the death part ... right?”

Alice batted her eyelashes at him sweetly. “Do you really want to test that theory? Just play nice, okay?” She turned to me. “Bella, do you want to come to the house tonight? Esme misses you so much. I’d know she’d be happy to see you. The others, too.”

“Alice...” said Edward in warning.

Alice moved her fingers over her ears. “I’m sorry, Bella. There was this annoying buzzing sound in my ear – sort of like a fly that doesn’t know when to stop – and I missed your response.”

My eyes shifted from Alice’s teasing grin to Edward’s hard, disapproving scowl. Annoyance tugged at me. “I do want to see Esme and the rest of the family,” I said. “And I definitely want to spend more time with you, too, Alice. A lot more time.”

“But?” Alice prompted. “Oh. I see. You need some time alone with my brother to express your rage and frustration with him. That’s understandable. We all have to do that from time to time. Well – I guess that’s my cue to leave, then.” She drew up short before she took the first step, however, and her eyes fluttered shut as if she was seeing a vision. Then she turned to Edward, a huge grin on her face. “You’re going to lose this battle, by the way. Just so you know. Enjoy it, and try not to bruise her when you do.”

***

“What do you suppose she meant by that?” I asked, hugging myself as I watched Alice skip off into the woods.

Edward exhaled sharply and muttered, “You don’t want to know.”

I glanced up at him, caught off guard by the look on his face. There was a bit of panic there – nervousness, even. “You saw her vision in her thoughts, didn’t you?” I said.

Edward nodded and walked a few paces away from me, kicking pebbles out of his path. I had a feeling that was all he was going to tell me on the matter. That, too, bolstered my anger – and I didn’t know what to do about it. I knew Alice had hinted that we needed to talk some things out, but I honestly just didn’t know where to start.

“I should head back,” I said, choosing the coward’s route. “Charlie will be home soon. He worries if I’m out too late.”

After sending another rock hurdling toward the trees, Edward nodded. “Good. I’ll drive.”

He held his hand out for my truck keys, but I didn’t offer them. “I don’t need a chauffeur. I can drive by myself, you know. I have a license and everything.”

“It’s not safe for you to be alone right now," Edward said quietly. "Humor me.”

Remembering that I’d seen Laurent’s crimson eyes less than four days ago, I couldn’t exactly disagree with Edward’s concerns. “You’re worried Laurent is still out there, aren’t you?”

Edward shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I’m not entirely sure if Laurent is still alive.”

I blinked at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“I accompanied Carlisle into the woods last night. You know the place. There were ... remains. It was difficult to tell anything because of the recent rain, but I could pick up traces of some familiar scents. Scents I haven’t detected in decades.” Edward stared down into my face curiously. “Those wolves you saw – how big were they exactly?”

I shuddered. “Big enough.”

“How many did you see?”

I told him.

Edward didn't speak for a long time after that.

Reluctantly, I handed over the keys, wincing when his smooth skin brushed against mine. He lagged a step behind me as I headed for the passenger side of my truck, and he opened the door for me when I got there. It was strange – being on the receiving end of his good manners – when things were so strained between us.

I waited until Edward slid into the driver's seat and started the ignition before I spoke again. “Are you going to tell me what’s got you so worried?”

He shifted the truck into gear and guided my truck onto the highway – saying nothing.

“Because God forbid I actually know what's going on," I muttered. "Or think for myself. Lucky I have you around to do it for me.”

Edward's fingers tightened on the steering wheel, then relaxed a moment later. “I guess I deserve that.

“I guess you do.”

“You’re angry with me. I guess I deserve that, too.”

I sighed and pushed my hair away from my face. “I’m ... annoyed. I hate that you tried to keep your family away from me.”

Another long moment of silence pressed between us almost like a physical presence. I watched him, seeing a million different emotions flash across his face. I didn’t understand a single one of them.

Finally, he spoke, so softly I could barely hear him. “Bella, if I ever keep anything from you, or do anything that might hurt you, it’s only because I care about you and your well-being.”

I frowned, confused by his words. “You’re not my savior, Edward. And believe it or not, you can’t control everything or shield me from every bad thing that may or may not befall me.”

"So I'm learning," he said. “I’m sorry, Bella. It’s very difficult for me when I feel out of control, especially when it comes to you. I feel like I’m grasping at strings, trying to keep fate at bay – trying to keep you safe and alive. And fate just laughs at me and does what it wants to.”

I couldn’t make heads or tails of anything he was saying, but the look on his face was enough to break my heart. He looked like he had no place that he really belonged, or like he’d lost something precious to him. That, and the hushed, broken sound of his voice, make a little bit of my anger leak away.

“What’s wrong with you?” I whispered, wishing I had the courage to reach out and touch him. “Why are you so sad?”

Edward chuckled – a bitter sound that made my heart twist – but he didn’t reply.

I stared at him, trying and failing to figure him out. Alice’s words rang in my ears.

Just remember, above all else, Edward loves you.

If you look deep into every single one of his action, love is at the bottom of it. Just ... think about it, Bella.

I turned in my seat, looked straight ahead, and did as Alice had suggested. I thought about it.

I thought about his cheerless mood, his unkempt appearance, his anger over my own less-than-healthy appearance. I thought about that first day I’d seen him in the rain when he’d kneeled before me, his lips pressed against my hair, his hands gripping my arms as if he wanted to pull me inside of him. I thought about the way he’d touched my wrist today in class and stared at it like he’d been the one that had given me the scar. I thought about the look on his face in the cafeteria, when my friends were talking about what I had been like with him gone. I thought about the look on his face now – the pained longing in his eyes – as he pretended he wasn’t stealing glances at me.

But then I thought about the day he left me – about everything he’d said to me – and none of the rest mattered.

I almost could pretend Edward still loved me, if I twisted it all around to my benefit. But he didn’t. He wouldn’t have left if he did. When I remembered that awful day, remembered how he’d said I wasn’t good for him, it hit me hard – a death blow to what little control I had over my emotions. I shut my eyes against the hurt and tried not to cry.

Not now, not in front of him.

The ride lasted too long, but though my tears were close to brimming over, I somehow held them back. Eventually, the house came into view. I unbuckled my seatbelt to get out before we even hit the driveway.

Edward put the truck’s gear into park and caught my hand before I could slip out of the door. "What happened back there?” he asked, his tone anxious. “I said something, and you took it badly. I hate that I don’t know what you’re thinking. Tell me, Bella."

“It wasn’t anything you said. It was something Alice said.” I paused – waited. “I need my arm back, please.”

Edward stared at me for a moment longer, his face alarmed at whatever he saw in mine. Then he released me.

I got out of the truck quickly, but he was quicker. I started for the house, marching past him without saying a word. Then I stopped – changed my mind – and marched back toward him. “Edward?” I said, voice shaking. “Why did you leave Forks last September?”

His expression darkened a shade. “I...” He trailed off and looked away. “We talked about this when I left.”

“I want to hear you say it again,” I pressed. “I want you to tell me why.” Even as I said the words, I felt the sudden desire to laugh hysterically at myself. This was insanity, masochism at its finest.

Edward seemed to waver in place where he stood. He shook his head back and forth slowly. “Don’t ask me to do that.”

“Why not? You didn't have a problem with it seven months ago. You seemed pretty matter-of-fact about it, actually."

He didn’t speak – didn’t even blink.

“Just tell me you don’t love me,” I choked out, tears finally spilling over onto my cheeks. “I know you don’t. I just need to hear you say it again so I can stop kidding myself.”

I put my hand over my mouth, face crumpling with an overwhelming wave of emotion.

Edward reacted instantly – his entire demeanor melting from ice into liquid within the span of a second. "God, Bella. Don't ... please. I can’t stand seeing you hurt like this."

He started for me, two long strides closing the distance between us.

I was ready to turn away, but suddenly his hands were touching my face, cool thumbs wiping away the burning tears, lips pressing a kiss to my temple. I gasped as he pulled me against his chest and held me tight, one hand cradling the back of my head. My body reacted instantly – I melted into him, buried my face in his chest, and cried. The harder the sobs came, the tighter he held me – solid, keeping me on firm ground as I all but lost it.

Once he’d started moving, he seemed unable to stop. His hands caressed me, cradled me. And he kept saying something. Whispering it over and over again as he kissed my hair, my cheeks, my eyelids.

I started crying fresh tears when I realized it was, “I love you.”

***

Author’s Note: *rubs chest directly over heart* Oh, ouch. Some of that actually hurt me to write.

Two more chapters to go, I think. Three tops.

See you soon,
-Coquette

Pain on Pain -- Chapter Four

2009-07-30T01:05:42Z

Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”

Rated: T for sexual content.

First chapter here. Also posted here at fanfiction.net, if you prefer reading there.

Author’s Note: I had a canon error in a previous chapter. I said Jasper had returned to school with Alice and was reminded from a very kind reader that he had already graduated the previous year. (I’m such a derp derp sometimes.) Thanks for pointing that out, train_lindz!

As for the new chapter, a few words on Charlie...

While I think Charlie is definitely out for Edward’s blood at this point (metaphorically speaking, of course), keep in mind that in my story there was no Bella-disappearing-for-days-and-days-because-of-Edward fiasco to really push Charlie off the deep end. In my story, Charlie’s in more of a you-mess-with-my-kid-and-I’ll-mess-with-your-world type of mood.

Hope you like the new chapter. This one was fun to write.

***

Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette

Chapter Four

The first thing I did when I woke up the next morning was call Jacob.

It was the only reasonable time of day I could think of when he’d definitely be home. I couldn’t exactly call him in the wee hours of the morning without seeming like a stalker. It was more acceptable to call while the sun was up – however early that might be. He might be disgruntled that I’d woken him, but a disgruntled Jacob was better than no Jacob at all.

I needed to talk to my best friend. I needed him bad. But there was no answer at his house – not even Billy.

I left a message and slammed the phone down, tears burning my eyes. I didn’t know what I had done to make him hate me so much.

So much had happened since I’d last spoken to him. I wanted to tell him about it and find out what was going on with him, too. I tried not to find irony in the fact that the moment Jacob had disappeared, the other part of my heart had returned.

Seemed I was only allowed one good thing at a time.

***

Downstairs at the breakfast table, Charlie was in a mood.

He was also a mess, as though he’d been distracted while getting dressed. His shirt buttons weren’t lined up correctly, his hair uncombed, and he had coffee creamer dotting his mustache. If I didn’t know better, I’d think Renée had dressed him.

I knew why he looked that way. He’d been up all night polishing his gun collection. I could only think of a single reason why he’d do that.

Charlie grunted something at me that sounded like, “G’morning.” Then he went back to brooding and blowing steam from the top of his coffee mug. A beat later, he looked up at me as if he hadn’t truly realized I was there. His eyes narrowed into slits. “Just where do you think you’re going?”

I grabbed a napkin from the holder on the counter and handed it to him. “It’s Tuesday, dad. I have school in half an hour.” I tapped the area above my upper lip. “Mustache. You’ve got a little something...”

He took the napkin from my hand and scrubbed it across his mouth. “Thought you’d be home today.”

“Everything okay, dad? You seem a little on edge.”

He grunted again – some sort of indifferent reply I couldn’t decipher – and took a hasty swallow of coffee. When he burned himself, he cursed and slammed the mug down on the table.

I turned away from him to retrieve a box of cereal from the pantry. I knew exactly what was wrong with him, of course. I just wanted him to get it over with and admit it.

Charlie hadn’t mentioned Edward a single time since we’d seen Carlisle at the hospital yesterday – but I knew he wanted to. It was as if Charlie was afraid the moment he acknowledged the existence of my ex-boyfriend, it meant that he had to acknowledge the rest of it, too – that Edward was really back in Forks and back in both of our lives.

I ate my cereal dry, right out of the box. Watching. Waiting. Knowing Charlie was close to blowing his fuse. I braced myself for it, knowing it was better to just get it over with – before he really had to time mull things over.

He lasted another thirty seconds, then he cleared his throat and said, “So, uh. You seen him yet?”

I popped another handful of cereal into my mouth. “Seen who?”

He looked at me sharply. “Oh, don’t give me that crap. Who do you think I mean?”

I sighed. No sense in beating around the bush. “Yeah, I’ve seen him.”

“That all you’re gonna tell me?”

“There’s nothing else to tell. It’s none of your business, dad.”

“Like hell it isn’t. You at least give him a piece of your mind? ‘Cause I sure as hell intend to.”

My gaze fell away from his. “A small piece, yes.”

“Well, unless you made him cry, then kicked him square in the balls while he was groveling, it wasn’t nearly good enough.” He paused and shifted in his chair, looking vaguely uncomfortable. “On second thought, don’t kick him in the balls. It’s very painful, and I can’t condone that course of action on any male, good or evil. Just key his car or something.”

Fighting a smile, I leaned down and kissed Charlie’s scruffy cheek. “I’ll consider it.”

Charlie deflated. “You want me to do anything? I mean, that boy and I are going to have words, believe you me. But there are other things I could do. Impound that sissy car of his. Uncover some parking tickets that may or may not have been fabricated. Accidentally shoot him in the kneecap. They’ve got this new taser gun at the station, and if you put the setting just right and aim it at his—”

I put my hand up in the air, signaling him to stop. “I can handle Edward, really!”

“I sure hope so, Bella. You’re my little girl, and I love you more than anything in this world. I worry about you. Don’t you let some boy determine your happiness anymore – good or bad. You hear me? If I see you moping around here again, I’m sending your ass packing to Florida. We clear?”

I sighed and closed the cereal box. “Crystal.”

Charlie hesitated, expression softening as he studied me. “I know you’re trying, sweetheart. And deep down beneath all the murderous rage, I know Edward only left because he had to go with his family when they left Forks.”

I bit my lower lip but didn’t correct Charlie’s misinformation. He only knew the story the townsfolk had told him about the Cullen’s exodus – not the truth.

“But still,” continued Charlie. “The way he did it just wasn’t right. Leaving you out there in those woods all by yourself. Not giving you any kind of warning and then just cutting you off. Well, hopefully he knows by now how wrong all that was. But, Bella, take it from a guy. If you don’t tell that boy how much he hurt you, he just ain’t gonna get it.”

***

Charlie had a point.

Watching from the window as his police cruiser backed out of the driveway, I pondered his advice.

I hadn’t told Edward how I really felt yesterday. I’d chiseled at the iceberg – chipped away a bit of the hurt – but what lurked beneath the surface was substantial.

There was too much uncertainty still between Edward and me – so much we needed to sort through. Yesterday, we hadn’t gotten much further than his promise not to leave Forks.

“We’ll figure it out,” he’d kept saying. “What’s right for both of us.” And then, after walking me to the door with his hands buried in his pockets, he had left.

I didn’t know where we stood – if we were acquaintances, friends, more than friends, or nothing at all. His words gave me hope that at least the latter option was out, but I really couldn’t say. I liked to think that we had something, however ambiguous. A wary truce, perhaps.

I had sat up for most of the night – arms tingling where he’d held me – and tried to process it all. I knew I was glad he was back and that I didn’t want him to leave again. I also knew he was right about me taking better care of myself, and I vowed to start. Not because he’d suggested it, but because I’d seen myself reflected in his expression, and it had frightened me a little.

Without Edward standing before me like a wet, kicked puppy dog I couldn’t be angry at, I realized I was exactly that: angry.

I was particularly angry that Edward was still trying to separate me from his family. But deeper than that, I was angry with him for leaving in the first place. I didn’t feel entitled to that anger, though, so I didn’t allow myself to truly feel it. Edward was a free agent, and he didn’t owe me anything. As much as it had killed me to see him go, that was his choice, and I had to respect it.

I repeated those words to myself again and again.

The anger remained.

That worried me a little. A part of me was afraid that one day all of it might come spilling out. Messy. Raw. Hurtful. I was afraid of unleashing that on him because I didn’t know how deep that anger went inside of me or if I would be able to stop once I started. He’d probably never speak to me again once I was finished.

Maybe it was for the best that Edward and I remained distant for a while. I needed to get a grip on my temper before it wedged us even further apart.

***

I shifted my truck into park and cut the engine. Then I stared at the front entrance of my school for five minutes, trying to convince myself to go inside.

I didn’t want to deal with it. The questions. The stares. The assumptions.

There was a small crowd of students congregating out front, chatting and catching up while they waited for the first bell to ring. Already, I’d seen two of them look my way, eyebrows raised. They turned to whisper to their friends, and then more of them joined in with the stare-fest. I groaned and lowered my forehead to rest on the steering wheel.

Alice would be there, I remembered.

I sighed and wriggled the keys out of the ignition. The thought of seeing her made everything else worth it.

***

Now that I was a source of fresh gossip, people apparently found me entertaining again. They greeted me in the hallway, came to ask about my stitches, and though I tried to respond the best I could, all of them seemed disappointed when no detail about Edward was included. That was private. They merely shrugged and found someone else to talk to when they realized I wasn’t going to dish on the Cullens.

I didn’t see Alice anywhere, and the bell rang before I had a chance to really look. But I found Edward right where I expected him to be – sitting at the desk beside mine, hands folded before him. He wasn’t smiling, and he looked uncomfortable, like someone was pressing a sharp object into his back.

I managed to cross the room without tripping or making a fool out of myself. I tried to smile as I sat down beside him. “Hey.”

Edward looked up at my greeting. The tiniest hint of a smile pulled at his lips, softened the pained look in his eyes.

Somehow that was better than a hello.

I was vaguely aware that the entire class was staring at us, teacher included. If the ground had decided to open up and swallow me right then and there, I wouldn’t have minded one bit. I really wanted to get past this part.

Edward didn’t have a book, so we had to share. But I noticed neither of us read along as the teacher delved into the lesson. I wasn’t asked to answer any questions – a good thing since I wasn’t paying attention – but the teacher picked on Edward more than was absolutely necessary. As per usual, Edward had all the right answers, but he leaned in to glance at the book for show. I shivered when his breath stirred my hair – his closeness, his scent enough to daze me.

The teacher said something, and everyone in the class flipped to the next page in the book. I reached out to do likewise – and jumped when Edward’s hand closed over my wrist.

I looked at him in surprise as he moved the pad of his thumb across the bite-mark James had given me. Edward looked deep in thought as he stared at that scar, like he didn’t realize what he was doing. The scar burned ice cold, as it usually did, and colder still because his fingers weren’t exactly warm.

“Psst,” someone whispered behind us. “Look. Over there.”

“Are they holding hands? No way.”

“That’s so messed up.”

Edward let go of my wrist abruptly. “Sorry,” he whispered.

I shrugged it off. “Don’t worry about it.”

***

Edward and I had more classes together that morning, and after the incident in first period, all of them were beyond awkward. He didn’t touch me again. Barely looked at me. Still polite but painfully distant. I was thankful when lunchtime came around. Walking on eggshells for that long was exhausting.

Things began to look up once I got to the cafeteria – the nicest sight in the world awaited me there.

From her old table at the end of the room, Alice grinned at me.

My heart leapt into my throat at the sight of her. Absolutely beside myself with joy, I wanted to run over and hug her – and I almost did just that – but she shook her head in warning before I could take a single step.

Her eyes shifted to her right, where Edward had just sat down in the chair beside her. He looked at me, then said something stern to Alice.

Alice smirked as if his words made her want to laugh – through judging from the look on his face, he hadn’t meant to be funny. He’d probably told her to leave me alone. Alice gave me a wink, as if to say, Don’t worry. I’ve got the situation under control.

I watched as she wrote something on a piece of paper and held it up for me to see. “Check your locker,” was written in letters just large enough for me to read from across the cafeteria.

Edward snatched the piece of paper from her hand and crumpled it up. Alice looked back at me and put her hand over her mouth to cover her giggle.

I beamed at her and nodded to let her know I’d understood. I’d missed her so much I could barely stay in my seat.

Edward glowered for the remainder of our lunch period, and Alice made faces at him – her cheeks puffed out, as if to mock his pouting. I think she was speaking to him through her thoughts because every now and again, he would say something to her – and it didn’t look particularly heartwarming. Alice laughed at every word.

“Earth to Bella,” said Jessica, who I didn’t even notice was sitting in front of me. “Distracted much? You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?”

Her tone was stringent, and I imagined she was only talking to me because people were paying attention to me that day. I chose to smile at her, unwilling to bite back. It wasn’t worth the energy. “Sorry.”

“What I said was ... Edward Cullen is glaring at you.”

Further down the table, Mike’s expression grew dark, eyes fixed on the Cullen table. “No,” he said. “Pretty sure he’s glaring at me. I swear, sometimes I feel like he can hear what I’m thinking.”

Across the cafeteria, Alice laughed again. Resisting the temptation to look for myself, I speared a potato wedge with my fork and stuck it in my mouth. It was dry and difficult to swallow – which was great. I couldn’t be expected to speak if I was choking.

“You don’t care?” asked Jessica. “I mean, I thought... well, I was just wondering if you were okay. You know, with Edward being back.”

I chose my words carefully, knowing that Edward was likely listening to every word. “Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

Angela cleared her throat timidly. “I think it’s nice they’re back.”

“Yeah, well, you’re the only one,” muttered Mike. He put his fork down on the table with a clank. “Hey, Bella – you and Cullen aren’t going out again, are you?”

Jessica scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course, they’re not going out. I mean, stranger things have happened...” She paused and turned her eyes toward the ceiling. “...But still. You can’t get hung up on him again, Bella. You do remember what you were like right after he left, don’t you? Because all of us sure do.”

Reluctant nods around the table. No one looked at me.

I took the opportunity to steal another peek at Edward. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut tight as if he had a sudden headache.

Alice put her hand on his forearm. She wasn’t laughing anymore.

***

As soon as I was done eating, I hurried out of the cafeteria – anxious to get away from my friends and to see why Alice wanted me to go to my locker.

I input the combination and tugged on the latch.

A note fell at my feet.

***

Bella,

I’m reciting the Preamble of the Constitution in my head while writing this note, but Edward still knows I’m up to something.

He’s been difficult, to say the least.

I’ve missed you. Let’s catch up after school. Be at the front entrance when the final bell rings. He’ll be anticipating something like this, so make a quick exit.

Ensuring my domestic tranquility,
Alice.

***

The rest of the day moved by at a snail’s pace. I wriggled in my seat, tapped my pen on the desk, and tried without much success to pay attention to the lessons. When the final bell rang, I glanced at Edward, who wore a look on his face that meant he knew exactly what I was up to.

I eased out of my seat, grabbed my bag, and walked right past him.

I headed outside, knowing without knowing that Edward was shadowing me. I caught sight of his reflection in a window, looking from side to side as if he’d taken up the position of my personal bodyguard. Exactly what he hoped to accomplish by keeping me from Alice, I couldn’t even begin to guess.

I found my truck idling at the front entrance of the school. Alice beamed at me from the driver’s seat.

“He knows,” I mouthed to her.

“It won’t matter,” she replied cheerily. “But I’ll leave that part up to you, Bella.”

Before I could take another step toward the truck, Edward put himself in my path with his back to me. “Alice,” he growled. “Don’t. We’ve talked about this.”

“No, Edward. You talked about it. I was merely talked at.” Alice batted her long eyelashes at him. “Aww, big brother thinks he can boss me around. That’s absolutely precious. Bella, are you ready to go? I have someplace special in mind.”

Edward made an exasperated sound in his throat and spun to face me. “Please, Bella. I’m begging you.” He flung his arm out to point at his sister. “I can’t control her.”

I stared at him for a moment, disbelief and annoyance buzzing in my ears. Exactly what was he going to do? Pick me up and carry me away, kicking and screaming? If he wanted to be a free agent, then I could be a free agent, too. All I knew was that Edward Cullen was not going to keep me from Alice.

“You can’t control me either,” I said quietly. “Bye, Edward. I’ll see you later.”

Then I shouldered past him and got into the truck.

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: Aww, I heart Alice. She and Charlie are my favorite characters to write. Hope you enjoyed.

Cheers!
Coquette

Pain on Pain -- Chapter Three

2009-07-27T18:09:26Z

Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”

Rated: T for sexual content.

First chapter here. Also posted here at fanfiction.net, if you prefer reading there.

Author’s Note: Seems a lot of people noticed that Carlisle was a little cold and distant with Bella. Trust me, there’s a reason, bbs! Just sit back and relax. ;D

Oh, and just a few canon reminders. (I’ve had to go to the Lexicon so many times to get this stuff straight ... lol.) Bella doesn’t know Jacob is a werewolf at this point in the book. And though she saw the wolves in the meadow, she’s unaware that werewolves exist or that they killed Laurent. She just saw them chase him off. Also, Jacob has gone through the transformation, but he’s still avoiding her. K? K.

<3 Now then – on with the return of Angst-ward. Because he hurts so pretty.

***

Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette

Chapter Three

I got lost in the rain.

The air was thick with moisture, the creeping fog keeping me from seeing anything more than a few feet in front of my face. All the trees looked the same, mist-shrouded giants that towered around me, each one resembling the last until I was completely turned around.

I felt small and exposed, teeth chattering as I inched through the gloom. Still, though I knew I was lost, I wasn’t afraid. He was out there somewhere. I could feel him, drawing me forward like I was under some sort of thrall. Not only could I feel his nearness, but I could hear him as well – always just out of reach.

A branch snapped to my right.

I frowned, distracted, and barely avoided tripping over a gnarled tree root.

It wasn’t like Edward to make noise if he didn’t want to be heard, so I knew I was supposed to follow. But I didn’t understand the game -- namely, why he was leading me out here rather than facing me. I’d known him to be evasive before, but this wasn’t like him.

Though it was pouring, I pulled off the hood of my jacket so that I could see without anything blocking my peripheral vision. Rain soaked my hair, dripped from my nose and chin, but I barely noticed it. Another branch snapped ahead of me, and I quickened my pace, growing more and more anxious to see him.

I could see light up ahead. A brighter clearing in the trees. Maybe he would be there, waiting for me...

I stepped through the line of trees and found myself ... right back where I’d started. At home. Mouth open, I stared at the house, at my truck. Without me even realizing what he’d been doing, Edward had turned me around and led me out of the forest the same way I’d come.

It stung like a rejection. A slap to the face, even. I turned to stare at the woods behind me, tears filling my eyes.

If he’d gone to so much trouble to bring me my truck and make himself known, why wouldn’t he talk to me?

It was enough to get me angry. Though my throat had started to ache, I pushed the tears back and kicked a rock out of my path. “I’m not in the mood to play games, Edward,” I called out. “Don’t be such a coward. If you want to talk, well ... you know where to find me.”

I waited, giving him one last chance to speak up. But after a few seconds with no response, my chin fell in defeat. I hugged myself and turned toward the house.

Edward stood in my path, his body partially obscured behind a tree.

I drew up short, a shuddering breath caught in my throat. Though I’d known he was out there somewhere, I still reeled at the sight of him – his beautiful face peeking out through the mist like a ghostly memory.

Something in my heart clicked back into place. A lock. A puzzle piece.

I forgot my anger – forgot everything – when I saw the look on his face. He looked like an uncertain little boy. Wary, like he knew he’d done something wrong. Skittish, like he was ready to bolt back into the forest. I realized then that he hadn’t been playing games with me. Not intentionally, at any rate. No, he was just as uncertain about this rendezvous as I was. I could tell that he really did want to see me -- but maybe wasn't sure if he should.

His hair and clothing were soaked from the downpour, bangs plastered flat against his forehead. Lips pale, dappled with raindrops. Shadows smudged beneath his eyes. He looked younger than I remembered. Lost. Still, beneath the vulnerability, something else brewed. His black eyes were liquid fire, a quiet anger brewing within.

But was he angry – or was that hunger I was seeing?

I flashed back to that first day at Forks High School more than a year ago, when he’d had such a violent reaction to my scent. Edward had been away from me for so long -- it would make sense if my scent caused him to struggle with his bloodlust again.

“Are you going to...” I gulped and took a step backwards. “...eat me?”

He almost smiled ... but not quite.

I relaxed a fraction, taking the half-smile as reassurance that he was in control of his thirst. I’d already be dead if he wasn’t. Though he still looked angry, I could see him better now – through the eyes of someone who wasn’t in a complete state of shock – and I couldn’t decide now if that anger was directed at me or at someone else. Because I saw something else in his face, too. Once upon a time, I might have called it love.

I didn’t know what to call it now.

We stood and stared at each other for a solid minute. It was awkward, unnerving, but it was also good. It filled me up inside ... to be able to see him again, to know that he still existed in the same world I did. It was all I could do not to run over and barrel into him. I wanted to feel his arms wrapped tight around me, his fingers in my hair, his skin beneath my lips.

I settled for just looking at him. After months without him, it was enough.

“Hi,” I said at last – voice meek, shy.

His gaze dropped to the forest floor. “Hello.”

I had to strain to hear him. His tone wasn’t unkind, but it wasn’t particularly warm either. It reminded me of the first guarded months after we’d met last year. Still, there was something worrisome on the edges of it. He didn’t seem like himself somehow. It was as if all the life and light had gone out of him, leaving him empty.

Where had he been all this time, and what had happened that had made him so sad?

I shifted on my feet, anxious for him. "A-are you okay?"

His eyes returned to my face. "Am I...?" He chuckled – a hard, incredulous sound. I saw the anger flash in his eyes again. "I should be asking you that. God, Bella. Look at you."

After everything I'd fought through -- after everything that I'd striven to overcome to get this normal -- his words seriously rubbed me the wrong way. I narrowed my eyes, suddenly defensive. "What's that supposed mean? That I'm soaked and cold? Sorry. I got led on a wild goose chase there for a few minutes."

Edward had the decency to look apologetic. He stepped out fully from behind the tree but still hovered some distance away. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean for you to follow. Well. Maybe I did. I don't know. I just ... didn't plan for things to go this way."

"I don't understand what you mean."

To be honest, I wasn't even sure that he understood what he meant. Edward was a mess – full of contradictions, of confusion and self-doubt. I stared at him ... and really started to worry about him.

His eyes skimmed over me. "You're shivering." He shrugged out of his jacket as if to offer it to me but hesitated once he had it in his hands. "I'd give this to you, but it's soaked." He chuckled again, just as bitterly as before. "Making things worse, as per usual," he muttered. "You should probably go inside, Bella -- where it's warmer. I'll stay away this time. I promise."

I stared at him, trying to make sense of his convoluted thought processes. "I didn't ask you to stay away. Why are you acting like this? Like you're afraid to come near me?"

“Maybe I am afraid -- that the second I get near you, you'll get hurt.” He gestured to the cut on my cheek, which had started to throb in the cold rain. “Though I suppose that destructive pattern has already started, hasn’t it? Five seconds in the same room with me, and you’re already walking away, bleeding.”

“I'm the clumsiest person in a hundred mile radius – probably several hundred miles. That's hardly your fault.” I shook my head when the pained expression on his face didn’t change. “It’s just a cut, Edward. You know I've had worse. Carlisle patched me right up.”

Edward’s eyes were suddenly sharp – angry again. “You saw Carlisle?” he asked, tone flat.

I frowned, taken aback by the change in him. “Well, yeah. He gave me stitches at the hospital. Is that a ... problem?”

A muscle in Edward’s jaw ticked. “It’s nothing. I just asked my family to stay away from you, is all.”

His words surprised me, but they shed a bit of light on some questions I’d had. Such as why Alice hadn’t come to see me yet, or why Carlisle had acted nice but distant toward me at the hospital.

“Why would you do that?” I fumed. “That’s not fair.”

“I have my reasons,” he replied, and I could tell I wasn’t going to get anything else out of him on the subject. If I wanted to know, I’d have to find out from someone else. “Regardless, I’m sorry I startled you this morning in class. I thought you knew I was back.”

“How could I possibly have known that?” I asked.

Edward looked at me as if he was trying to decide if I was serious or not. “I suppose you really were asleep last night, weren’t you? I came to see you, and you asked me to leave.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling foolish. A blush stained my cheeks. “I thought I was dreaming.”

“I see. Well, all the same, I’m sorry I snuck into your room. I know I don’t have any right to do so. I just needed to make sure you were all right. Alice told me you were fine, but ... I needed to see it for myself.” The hard edge returned to his eyes, and his words started coming very fast. “Bella, why didn’t you try to contact us after Laurent…” He trailed off, as if the very question frustrated him. “He could have killed you. He could still be out there.”

“And how exactly was I supposed to contact you? You didn’t exactly leave a forwarding address.”

Edward opened his mouth to argue – then closed it again. He swallowed and didn’t speak again for a few moments. Then he asked quietly, as though he were afraid of the answer, "How did you even get away? Alice couldn’t see you again until later."

"Luck, I guess. Wolves came out of the forest and chased Laurent off."

Edward's eyes widened. "What kind of wolves?"

I threw up my hands. "I don't know. The big kind. Are you going to find some way to blame me for that, too?"

"It wouldn't be difficult," said Edward. "You shouldn't have been out in that forest by yourself."

"Oh, I cannot believe you. You haven’t been around for months, Edward, and now you just show up to ... to scold me. I don't know why you're so angry with me, but if that’s it, then that's just stupid. It doesn’t even make sense.”

I watched as my words registered on his face. They hit him hard for some reason, and the fight went out of him quickly. He exhaled and without warning, sat down – right there on the wet forest floor. He put his head in his hands, a look of despondence on his face that made my heart twist. He looked so sad... I couldn’t figure him out at all.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, fingers twisting in his wet hair. “I don't mean to take this out on you. It's not you I'm angry with. It’s ... well, my family for one. Some things happened this weekend. I’m not really speaking to all of them at the moment."

I frowned at his words, wanting to ask what had happened. But sensing he wasn’t done speaking, I held back.

He lifted his head up, gaze returning to my face. "Though I suppose that’s not the whole truth,” he said. “Maybe I am a little angry with you, too. Call it scolding or whatever you like, but you lied to me, Bella. I think I have a right to be upset.”

My mouth fell open. “Lied to you? What are you talking about?”

“I know I’m a hypocrite for saying this – that I lied to you, too. I know I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed again, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first. You told me before I left Forks that you wouldn’t do anything reckless or stupid.”

I flinched. “I haven’t hurt myself, if that’s what you’re implying.”

My words seemed to make him angrier. “Haven’t you? Alice saw a few things in recent weeks, and I don’t like them, Bella. It seems like you’ve done everything in your power to be reckless. Why? And when was the last time you looked in a mirror? You're skin and bones. You look exhausted, like someone beat you up. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg."

I looked away, a sinking feeling in my gut. “I had the stomach flu recently. It went around school. I probably lost a little weight.”

His reply was sarcastic. “Yes, that must be it.”

“I’m doing the best I can, Edward. Believe me, this is an improvement.”

“Oh, trust me. I know. Do you have any idea what I heard in people's thoughts today at school? What I saw in their memories about you? The second people saw I was back, they started thinking about you and what happened after I left – about what it did to you. It seems everyone in school thinks I should stay away from you."

"I don't care what people say," I whispered.

"I care, Bella, because I care about you. I don’t mean to yell at you or cause you pain by bringing all this up. It’s just that I left a happy, healthy girl behind last fall, and I don't know where she went."

I didn’t how to respond to that. I didn’t remember being a happy, healthy girl when he’d left. Perhaps the change was more exaggerated for Edward, since he’d seen only the before and after – and a select few middle scenes he’d picked up from people’s minds.

Still, his words hurt me – because deep down, I knew he was right. I hadn't taken care of myself, and regardless of anything he’d done to me, I should have at least tried. If not for him, then for myself. I could blame him for a lot of things – for most of it, actually – but not that part.

My legs suddenly felt weak, and I sat down under a tree, staying some distance away from him. The rain began to slow, a soft drizzle now, the world around us gray and hazy with fog.

I picked up a leaf and twirled it between my fingers by the stem. “When you left ... and I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty, Edward. I just need you to understand.” I took a deep breath and tried again. “When you left, it wasn’t like you just broke up with me. I think I could have handled that. I’ve never really understood why you took an interest in me in the first place. But when you were suddenly not there – just gone, ripped away – it honestly felt like you died. I fell apart a little bit. Like I was mourning for you.”

I let the leaf drop to the ground. “I’m glad you’re back, Edward. And I hope you decide to stay. Not just for me, but because Forks is your home – your family’s home. Just know that I don’t expect anything from you, so don’t feel like you have to avoid me or hide from me. I’ll be your friend if you want one, and I won’t bug you if you don’t.” Tears clouded my vision. “I’m just really glad you’re here, Edward. I missed you so much.”

I didn’t realize Edward had gotten up until he was right in front of me. I gasped, caught off guard by his sudden nearness – and held perfectly still as he dropped to his knees in front of me.

He didn’t look me in the eyes, but he gripped my upper arms just below my shoulders – firm but gentle – then lowered his face to my hair. I trembled within the tight hold of his hands, almost afraid to let myself truly enjoy that moment. It felt like he was the only thing holding me together.

He held me like that for a long time – nuzzling the top of my head, inhaling and exhaling as if reacquainting himself with my scent.

“I’ve missed you, too,” he whispered, lips moving to brush across my forehead. “I know you’re trying your best, and I’m so sorry I didn’t give you my best. We’ll figure this out, Bella – figure out what’s right for both of us. But I promise you this – unless you ask me to, I’ll never leave you like that again.”

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: Oh my hell, that chapter was hard to write. O_o No idea why. I need a massage – maybe a stiff drink and a kitty to pet.

Ah, Edward. Always overreacting and floundering for control. As for why he’s angry with his family, that will be disclosed soon – perhaps through another character. Here’s a hint. Name rhymes with chalice...

Thanks for the sweet comments! They really mean a lot to me. I’m trying to answer all of them this morning, but I’m a little behind. Soon. :)

Cheers,
Coquette

Pain on Pain -- Chapter Two

2009-07-25T23:19:43Z

Pain on Pain - Prologue & Chapter One

2009-07-24T15:10:24Z

Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”

Rated: T for sexual content.

From Twilight Lexicon: March 4th (Sat) –Bella goes looking for the meadow on her own where she sees Laurent – Laurent explains that Victoria sent him to find Bella and that he intends to kill her – Five huge wolves appear and chase Laurent away from Bella. (NM10)

Author’s Notes: This story takes place after the canon scene described above and goes AU from there. According to the Lexicon, this is about two weeks before the New Moon cliff-diving incident and a week before Bella discovers Jacob is a werewolf.

If you prefer to read at ff.net click here.

“Wait for love. You know it can happen.” – Pain on Pain, by Feeder

***

Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette

Prologue

My dreams were strangely vivid that night.

His familiar scent was all around me, flirting on the edge of my senses like an old friend, lost but never forgotten. It felt as though he was in the room with me. Impossible, but there it was all the same.

On the dim borders of my dreamscape, a shadow moved.

Like a fool, I imagined it was him – leaning over my sleeping form and brushing my hair aside so he could see my face. I stirred in my sleep, discomfited by the memory of him, but I was too tired to open my eyes. Besides, if I did that, the dream would slip away before it had barely begun.

I pretended his hand was on my brow, the coolness of his thumb smoothing away the tension, his other hand lost somewhere in my hair.

I sighed happily. Unhappily.

What a cruel imagination I had.

It wasn’t really him, of course. Even caught somewhere in the middle of waking and sleeping, I knew I was only experiencing some sort of self-indulgent dream. He wasn’t coming back, and I had accepted that fact. I wasn’t okay with it, but I had accepted it. Still, I wasn’t prepared for how much something as simple as a dream hurt me. The idea of him actually in my bedroom – the place where I had always been the most vulnerable with him – it was painful.

I loved and missed him too much, and the wounds were still too fresh. I needed to push the memory of him aside before it ripped the gaping hole he’d left in my chest even wider.

The lump in my throat was difficult to swallow, but I managed. “Please,” I whispered. I don’t know if I said it out loud, or if I just imagined myself speaking. Not that it mattered one way or another. I was addressing a figment of my imagination.

The hand stilled on my forehead, uncertain.

“Please,” I whispered to the dream. “Just stop. Hurts.”

The hand lingered a moment longer – then disappeared.

Seconds ticked by on the clock beside my bed, each one slightly louder than the last, bringing me back to reality little by little. Fully awake now, I exhaled a long sigh and opened my eyes, ready to dispel the last shreds of the dream.

My bedroom was empty, of course. Curtains swaying gently in the night breeze. A stale glass of water on the nightstand. The clock's steady cadence was out of time with my heartbeat.

It was exactly what I expected to see. Nothing out of place. Nothing strange at all.

Well. Almost nothing.

I sat up, brow creased in confusion as I pushed the covers away. I ran my fingers through my sleep-tangled hair, trying my best not to imagine a different set of fingers doing the same thing. I sniffed the air speculatively and wondered if maybe I was still dreaming. Because I could swear I recognized that scent...

I pushed the thought away before it developed any further. If I let my mind travel down that rocky path, only pain on top of pain awaited me, and I'd had enough of that. I laid back down and pressed my face into the pillow, eyes closed tight, shutting everything out.

I tried to sleep, but the ghostly memory of his scent and touch had done its job. I felt haunted. Lonely. Torn to ribbons.

Hours slipped away before I finally found some semblance of rest.

***

Chapter One

I wasn’t aware I was late to school until I reached the campus parking lot. It was completely full, and I had to search nearly ten minutes before I found a spot for my truck. When I hopped out, my feet landed right in a freezing puddle, soaking my shoes, socks, and the cuffs of my jeans. Teeth chattering, I slammed the door and dropped the keys into my pocket.

It was going to be one of those days.

The school grounds were deserted, the hallways quiet except for murmurs behind closed doors. That meant the bell had already rung, and class was in session. Shouldering my backpack, I marched to my first classroom, wet sneakers squeaking on the linoleum. I felt like I had blinders on my eyes. I saw where I was going, but I wasn’t looking at my surroundings.

Everything had faded into a blur of color, a smear of sound.

My senses were numb. All except one.

I’d heard it said before that scent memory is the strongest, the most vivid. Mine was obviously faulty because I smelled him everywhere. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the non-Rowling manifestation.

When I woke that morning, I noticed his scent lingering in my bedroom. In my hair, on my skin, though I had taken a shower right before bed. Even the school hallways smelled of him. Obviously another delusion my brain had conjured up, similar to the way I heard his voice whenever I did something particularly reckless.

Perhaps it was the fact that Jacob and I hadn’t talked in days. Maybe I was just lonely or scared from the incident in the meadow with Laurent and the wolves. Maybe my subconscious was trying to comfort me with memories of...

I shook my head, still unable to think his name.

Either way, I was convinced I was crazy. That wasn’t news, so it didn’t bother me much. The trick would be hiding it from everyone else.

“Get a grip, Swan,” I muttered as I yanked open the door to my first period classroom.

The entire class turned to look in my direction.

I felt the stares – which were particularly exaggerated, as if everyone was waiting for me to trip or cry or something – but I made a point of looking elsewhere. My teacher wasn't pleased by my tardiness, and he marked the role-sheet with a red pen. Not missing a beat in his lecture, he waved me to my seat.

Well, good. I wasn’t going to be made an example of today.

I didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I maneuvered my way to my desk, but I did notice that everyone shifted in their seats as I passed. That was strange. For some reason, I was the center of attention.

They all followed me with their eyes, leaning over to whisper to their friends behind the shield of their cupped hands. As I passed Angela’s desk, she cleared her throat in a way that was meant to catch my attention, but I pretended I didn’t hear her. We could talk after class, and then maybe she could tell me why everyone was acting so bizarre. So I was late. What was the big deal?

I looked up then -- and finally understood.

Edward Cullen was sitting in his old desk.

Just sitting there as if he hadn’t been missing for months. Hair mussed, shirt wrinkled, heavy shadows smudged beneath eyes that wouldn’t look at me.

My bag slipped unnoticed from my shoulder. “Oh,” I gasped.

Then I tripped and fell, completely caught off-guard by the sudden appearance of my ex-boyfriend. On the way down toward the cold linoleum, my cheek caught the edge of a desk, but I barely noticed the resulting pain. It was nothing compared to what was going on inside of me. The sight of him was simultaneously like a knife in the stomach and a drink of cool water.

After my klutz-attack, everyone in the vicinity leapt to their feet or at least feigned concern. But all of their faces seemed very far away to me, blurred into the background. Only one face remained in focus. I stared at him in disbelief, pulse faltering when his eyes finally met mine.

The second our eyes locked, I knew it was really him and that this was no delusion. My imperfect memories of him had never done him justice. He was too beautiful.

He got to his feet when everyone else did, all lean lines beneath uncharacteristically wrinkled clothing, but he didn’t move toward me. His fists were clenched. His face was smooth, difficult to read, but his eyes seemed to shine and waver -- like they were filled with fire. It frightened me a little. I thought perhaps he was ... angry with me. A firestorm brewed behind his amber gaze, one I didn't begin to understand.

Mike Newton was the one who helped me to my feet. It might have been my imagination, but Edward’s gaze appeared to darken a shade. Angela was there, too, and she pressed a handful of tissues to my cheek. I winced, the pain in my cheek finally snapping me out of my trance.

“You’re bleeding,” she whispered. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, unable to speak. Was I okay? I honestly didn't know. I was too stunned.

The teacher rapped on his desk in order to bring the class to attention. “Angela, if you be so kind as to escort Bella to the nurse?”

“I’ll take her,” said Edward.

I shivered involuntarily at the familiar sound of his voice. It felt like silk slipping all over my body, and like glass rubbing into a wound.

The class shifted toward the teacher, eyes wide with the joy of scandal, waiting to see what he would say.

The teacher made a disapproving sound in his throat. “Don’t you think you’ve missed quite enough, Mr. Cullen?”

He was referring to Edward missing months of class, of course, but I heard my teacher’s words in a different way. Judging from the class's reaction, I think most of them did, too. Chuckles swelled amid a churning sea of whispers.

The class shifted as a single body to look at Edward again -- a few of them glaring, a few of them grinning, all of them waiting to see if he would challenge the teacher's authority. It was like watching a tennis match. But Edward fell silent, wavering eyes still fixed on me. The calm before a storm.

His expression confused me, alarmed me. What on earth had I done to make him that angry? Was my scent causing him to react like that? I was bleeding, after all.

I didn't have the opportunity to find out. My teacher dove back into the lesson before the class could start gossiping again. Angela tugged on my elbow and guided me toward the door.

My eyes stayed locked with Edward’s until the very last second, when the door closed between us.

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: A bit more angst than I usually write, but don't worry. I love me some happy endings, so there will eventually be fluff. I have quite a bit of this story already written, so I should be able to get chapters up frequently. I hate waiting, too.

I don’t read much fic, but I’m sure this type of storyline has been written before. Thing is, I have a hang-up with New Moon – namely, with the way Bella and Edward reunited so effortlessly. I need to write about it, so I can get it out of my system. Hope you don't mind the rehash.

Drop me a comment if you have a sec. I’ve missed writing for you guys. See you soon!

-Coquette

Citizen Erased -- Epilogue

2009-06-07T23:35:50Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four & Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Author’s Note: I received a few comments that expressed concern that I wouldn’t be able to tie up all the plotlines in a single chapter. That was intentional. Sequel anyone? This story is about Bella’s transition into her new life and the struggle against Mikhail. Once those storylines are resolved, the story has to end. But Edward and Bella wouldn’t be Edward and Bella if a new struggle didn’t appear on the horizon.

Doesn’t mean they can’t have a happy ending. And I freaking love happy endings. ;)

Rated NC-17 for sexual content.

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Epilogue

After the pieces of Mikhail’s body were gathered together and burned, the Volturi let us go – at least for the time being. Aro told us he would contact Edward when the time came to cash in on his debt, reminding us that the Volturi could find us anywhere we went.

On that cheery note, we ran.

Hand in hand, Edward and I hurried back to the hotel, cleaned up, and left. We didn’t speak, nor did we exchange any looks of relief when we passed through the city gates. There was no relief to be had. I felt as though we couldn’t move fast enough.

In the car, I squeezed Edward’s hand, grateful beyond words to still have him with me. I had braced myself to lose him to the Volturi tonight. “Aro’s going to make you join them, isn’t he?” I asked once we’d put several miles between us and the city. “That’s what he was after. I knew it as soon as I saw that greedy look in his eyes.”

“Aro can force me to join the Volturi,” said Edward in a weary voice, “but he can’t make me stay forever. He asked for favors, not a life of servitude. No, Aro’s not going to do anything without thinking it through fully, so he can be certain I don’t have any other way out. We have a little time. I’ll think of something in the meantime. Try not to worry.”

We fell into a troubled silence, listening to the raindrops hit the windshield. The more miles we left behind us, the angrier I became. The entire situation was infuriating. I was angry with Mikhail for his stupid games, angry with Aro for flipping that game around on us to his own advantage, angry with Edward for not letting me share in his debt. Most of all, I was angry with myself for being so weak. Sure, I had been the one that had killed Mikhail in the end, but that momentary lack of control had brought the Volturi down on us. In the end, Aro had proved to be the true Grandmaster – not Mikhail.

It was up to me to make this right. And I would.

“You know what?” I said, jaw hard with defiance. “You’re right. I’m not going to worry. Not one little bit. I’m sick of feeling like this, Edward – out of control of my own life. I’m not going to put up with feeling helpless anymore. We’ve never had a chance to stop and be happy, and if we don’t put our foot down at some point, we never will. If Aro wants a fight, he’s going to get one. He’s messed with the wrong vampire’s wife.”

Edward’s face was grim, his voice listless. “You’re frightened. You have no idea what you’re saying.”

I barely heard him, already laying out a plan in my head. “The first thing I have to do is get back to normal. I have to get my memories back and keep them in my head. I don’t want to feel like a puzzle missing some of its pieces anymore. I do owe Mikhail one thing. If it weren’t for his particular gift, I never would have figured out about the shield in my head at all. He helped me learn to control it. If I could just remember how to do it, I know I could do more than just turn it off and on.”

Edward stirred a little from his solemn mood. “That would be a comfort. Don’t strain so much. You can only work the shield when you’re relaxed.” He looked over at me then, concern mirrored in his eyes. “Are you absolutely sure you want to do this right now? You don’t have to change anything, Bella. You’re fine the way you are. You know how I feel about that.”

“They’re my memories, Edward. They’re part of me, and I want them back.” I sat back in my seat with a huff, shaking my head in frustration as I stared out of the window. “I wonder why they were trapped beneath the shield in the first place? Did I put them there somehow? Why would I do that to myself? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense,” said Edward. “Before you changed into a vampire, you were so afraid of forgetting us – of losing who you were as a human and what we had as a couple. You wrote those journals in a frenzy. You didn’t want to forget a single thing.”

I thought about what he was saying, then nodded in agreement once I caught his meaning. “I think I get it. I wanted my human experiences kept safe, so my mind locked up my memories to safeguard them. Stupid mind. Well ... if I really did do this to myself, then it’s up to me to put things right again. I’m not going to give up until I do.”

“I believe you,” said Edward. “But don’t hurt yourself. I’ve seen more of that tonight to last me a lifetime.”

***

It was exhausting work – not to mention dangerous.

Every time I let the shield fall away, the bloodlust returned. Edward held my hand tightly, ready to grab me if he had to. But since there were few humans around on the dark road, I had an easier time controlling myself than I had in Volterra. It would have been impossible to try anywhere near the scent of blood. Luckily, by the time we closed in on the Florence city lines, I was close to mastering control over my gift.

My memories returned again, and they hummed in my mind, radiating warmth like old friends. I sighed happily under the pleasant weight of them. Edward could hear my thoughts with the shield lifted, and he whispered words of comfort and encouragement to me, responding to my thoughts as if I were speaking them out loud. It was the strangest conversation I’d ever had.

Clenching my teeth, I mentally grabbed hold of the shield and manipulated it until it did what I wanted it to. I made sure my memories were free, and then I let the shield close over the rest. The bloodlust fell into blessed silence.

I opened my eyes, whole again, and smiled in triumph. “It’s funny, though. I don’t feel as different as I expected to. The lines got so blurred toward the end. With or without the memories, I just feel like ... me.”

A small smile appeared on Edward’s face. “Told you so.”

I let him gloat. Edward had been right about who I was inside the entire time. I wasn’t suddenly another person once the memories settled back into place. I was still Bella. I always had been. I had just gotten all turned around inside, like someone had spun me in circles until I lost my bearings.

Even the cold, clinic nature I had first awoken with as a vampire made some sense. Without any memory of what it was like to be a human, I had become a vampire with few human traits. Edward and his family had been the ones to reintroduce me to humanity. In a way, Edward had loved me back into my own head.

My own love for him suddenly choked me. Poor Edward – he had suffered since the moment he’d turned me, and he was still suffering. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to touch him and let him know that his wife was here. I wanted him to know how deeply I cherished him. My eyes flickered to his face, fixated, hyperaware of his body close to mine. It had been too long.

“Edward? Pull the car over.”

***

We somehow crossed those last few miles into Florence without crashing. Even with Edward’s mind-reading abilities and enhanced senses, it took all of his skill to get us there without taking out any innocent bystanders.

Admittedly, that was my fault. Not that it stopped me.

I was straddled backwards in his lap, jammed into the space between his body and the steering wheel. My fingers pulled at his hair, lips hard against his. My wriggling hips accidentally shifted the car into neutral.

Edward swore and grasped at the gear shift knob. “Damn it, Bella. I can’t see.”

“I want you,” I gasped, trying to tug his shirt out of his jeans. My elbow hit the steering wheel, and the horn blared out into the stormy night. “Why haven’t you pulled over yet? Do you need me to draw you a picture? Sex, Edward. ”

I pulled him to my mouth again, eyes drifting shut as I sucked on his lower lip. The car lurched to the right, but I’m not sure he noticed. I moved my mouth along his jaw, leaving kisses in a searing trail up to his earlobe.

Edward’s reply was strained. “Too close – oh, God, I love it when you do that – to the city. People. Police. Jail.”

I darted my tongue inside his ear, and we hit a road sign a second later. It wasn’t in English, so I didn’t feel too bad about it.

Edward cursed again. “We’ve got to get off the road.”

I turned my head to peer out of the rain-dappled window. “Hotel. There. Now.”

***

We had to run in the downpour to get to the hotel lobby. I didn’t mind. The rain fell fresh and cold on my cheeks. Though it might have made me wish for the dry warmth of Phoenix when I was human, the cold didn’t bother me now. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Edward stared at me, obviously puzzled by my mood. Despite our amorous encounter in the car, his eyes remained haunted, the set of his shoulders tense. “Are you ... laughing?” he asked. “We just barely escaped Volterra with our lives. What could possibly be funny after that?”

I met his gaze, eyes bright. “I’d rather be happy with you tonight than worry about tomorrow. Please, Edward. Let it go for now.”

Edward sighed unhappily, and then he stopped jogging altogether. Since my hand was enclosed in his, I stopped, too. I stared up at him curiously, wondering why he had stopped us in a downpour, but my eyes lingered on his face for different reasons. He was so beautiful, standing there with raindrops dripping from his chin, his shirt made sheer beneath his jacket. I could hardly believe he was mine.

His face had become softer. Thoughtful, more open. I knew he was trying to do as I asked and let it all go for tonight. I didn’t resist as he pulled me toward him and wrapped me up into a tight embrace.

“You’re right,” he whispered. “We made it out of there in one piece, and I have my girl in my arms. My beautiful Bella. I’m so thankful for every second I have with you. Nothing else matters tonight except for the fact that you’re safe. Not even Aro can get to you now.”

His words were comforting to him but troubling to me. A tightness formed in my chest, and I clung to him tighter to shake the feeling away. Yes, I was safe, but Edward wasn’t. My confidence wavered as panic took hold of me again, and I pressed my face into Edward’s chest to hide from it. What if I lost him?

Edward sensed the change in my mood. He pulled back and tilted my chin up to inspect my face. “Hey, what’s wrong? You were fine a second ago. You were the one telling me to let it go, remember?”

I tried to smile, very glad at that moment that I was no longer capable of tears. “I think we’re going to have to take turns, reminding each other of that. Deal?”

Edward looked apologetic. “I’m so sorry, Bella. I brought your mood down with mine own, didn’t I? I don’t mean to worry so, but you know I can’t help it sometimes. Now let’s get you inside. You’re all wet.” He nipped at my earlobe, drawing out a tiny giggle from me. “I’m afraid these clothes are going to have to come off.”

Edward was at his sweetest as he guided me toward the main lobby – hands running up and down the sides of my waist, his lips leaving trails of lightning on my neck. I got a bit dizzy from it, and the lust combined with the lingering panic made my ears start to ring. I wanted to be in the damn room already. I needed him to crush me with his body until we were melded together. Inseparable.

Edward, on the other hand, was in an entirely different mood. He took his time as he spoke to the hotel concierge. He smiled at me lovingly, eyes locked with mine as he brought my hand to his lips.

He wanted romance.

I wanted to rip his clothes off.

I could already sense that this was going to be a problem.

If the concierge had any issues with our disheveled appearance, he didn’t mention it. Edward paid in cash, and his generous tip ensured we wouldn’t be disturbed.

Once we were safely out of sight, Edward carried me to the elevator — my arms around his neck, our chests pressed together. He kissed me slowly as we ascended to our floor, and his hands worried at the fabric of my clothes.

His ministrations felt good, just like they always did – but I needed more than achingly slow caresses. Edward was still handling me like I was human, made of paper-thin glass. I pulled him hard against me, trying to remind him that I wasn’t as breakable as I once had been. He groaned and the kiss deepened, but his fingers still flittered over my skin, soft as down feathers.

The elevator doors opened, and we parted long enough to find our room. But as soon as the door closed behind us, my feet left the ground. Edward picked me up and pressed me into the wall with his body. I hugged him and breathed in his familiar scent. Not even the rain could wash away his smell, his taste. He was too perfect.

We kissed hungrily – but still, he held back. I put my hands on either side of his face and pulled away so that I could look at him. I saw it in his eyes – the wariness, the iron-clad restrain he’d perfected over the years. “Let go,” I whispered, resting my forehead against his. “It’s okay.”

“I’m trying.” His hand inched up my shirt and found the bare skin of my waist. I inhaled sharply as his questing fingers moved to trace my ribcage, just under my breasts. A hint of a smile tipped the corners of his mouth. “This helps.” He lowered his mouth to my neck, barely touching the skin there with his velvet lips. “And this.”

He took his time as he started on the buttons of my shirt, and he hadn’t even gotten to the second one before I wanted to scream with frustration. I didn’t need foreplay tonight. I was already wild with desperation. I needed him to hold me tighter, to throw me on the bed and drive into me. I was restless in his arms, unable to stay still.

“Edward, please.”

He misinterpreted my tension, and his gentle touch became even gentler. His palm smoothed over my bottom. “Shhh, I would never hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” I gasped. “If anyone needs to worry about holding back strength, it’s me, not you.”

He drew back, eyes suspicious. “Are you trying to tell me I’m not rough enough for you?”

That did it. I kicked my feet like a child that wanted to be lowered to the ground. When he set me down, I gripped his shoulders and pushed him backwards until he hit the opposite wall. I wasn’t gentle about it.

His eyes turned dark with lust as he caught onto my mood. “Bella...” he breathed.

We fell on each other with renewed passion, and for the first time, neither of us held anything back. It had never been like that between us. Edward abandoned his fear of hurting me, and I had abandoned any inhibitions caused by my memory loss. We were both free. Husband and wife, joined as equals at last.

Our hands were everywhere, mouth bruising mouth, the sound of ripping fabric cutting the air. And still it wasn’t enough. I needed him inside of me. I wanted to possess him and be possessed by him.

His jacket made a wet sound when it hit the floor, and his ripped shirt followed it a moment later. My fingers raked his bare back, and I reveled in the feel of his corded muscles. “That’s more like it,” I said.

Edward turned us around and pressed my back against the wall again. He pushed my partially-unbuttoned shirt and bra up, not having the patience to remove them fully. He bent his head to my breast, and when he took my nipple into his mouth, my body seized up in pleasure the way it did when an orgasm took me. I was denied any such release, however, and the sudden ascent left me dazed.

Edward chuckled as I reeled. He guided my arms upward and pulled my shirt and bra over my head. “Want me to slow down?” he teased. “Was that too much for you to handle?”

My eyes finally focused on his face, and I took his words as a challenge. I could feel his hardness against my stomach, the way his jeans strained tight against his erection. I put a hand between us and squeezed. Caught off guard, Edward leaned against me and muffled a curse into my shoulder. It was the sexiest sound I had ever heard. I wanted to hear him make it again and again.

I worked at his zipper, accidentally pulling off the top button of his jeans in my haste. I dropped to my knees in front of him, surprising us both. Edward said my name as if to discourage me, but broke off short because I had him in my hand again. His skin was powder soft there, a clear contrast to the pulsing hardness within. I measured the length of him with my eyes, then took him in my mouth.

It was something I had never done before. I was too shy as a human – too full of inhibitions and insecurities to even consider it. And if Edward had ever desired it, he was too much of a gentleman to ask. I didn’t know what I was doing, but it didn’t seem to matter. Edward went incoherent the moment my mouth closed over him.

I win, I thought smugly.

I was surprised to find that I liked pleasuring him that way. He tasted good, like clean skin and just a hint of something else. I had thought oral sex was all about your partner’s satisfaction, but it was more than that. Seeing Edward so overcome, so completely at my mercy, was a huge turn-on.

I sucked him hard and found myself gasping and moaning at the same time he did. I couldn’t fit much of him in my mouth, so I gripped the base of his shaft with my hand to make up for it. He seemed to like that, but then again, he seemed to like everything. I went with it.

He started to pant after a few minutes. His hands moved from my hair to my face to my shoulders as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. “Too much. Bella, I can’t...”

I didn’t listen, of course. But I did pull my mouth away just before he came, still held in the tight grasp of my hand. I stared at his face as the orgasm took hold of him, marveling at the vulnerable angle of his neck and jaw line, the way his belly rose and fell with unneeded but urgent breaths. He was beyond beautiful.

His erection softened only a little, still wet in my hand as he dropped to his knees in front of me. I pulled and tugged at him gently, kissing his forehead and eyelids as he calmed. All of the tension leaked had out of him. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one that had needed a release.

Giving him that moment of release so soon in our unspoken game proved to be a mistake. When his eyes opened, they burned into my own, fixed on me with unmistakable intent. I had awoken something inside of him, and he wasn’t at my mercy anymore. I was at his.

His voice was quiet but commanding, smooth as satin sheets.

“Get on the bed.”

My eyes widened. It wasn’t a request. It was fact. If I didn’t get up and move, he was going to do the moving for me. Obediently, I got to my feet, though my legs were jelly beneath me. I couldn’t see him once I turned toward the bed, but I could feel him – his burning presence like a physical weight pressing against me. My knees hit the bed, and I crawled on top of the comforter.

I turned and met his gaze nervously. Hadn’t I been the one who wanted to play it rough? I was suddenly humming with tension. Absolutely terrified. And very, very excited.

Edward was calm, unhurried, but there was no doubt in my mind that I was in trouble. He moved toward me slowly, each footstep making me tremble just a bit more.

He moved over me, leaning down close, his face mere inches from my own.

“Jeans.”

I didn’t need a verb to catch his meaning. Gulping, I fumbled with the button on my jeans. I was clumsy again, but I managed to strip them off eventually, still trembling beneath the heat of his stare. I left my panties on, a small act of defiance on my part. After all, he still had his jeans on, though the fly was open. I looked up at him to see what he thought about my insubordination.

Lightning fast, he struck. I’m not even sure what happened to the panties, but they were suddenly in his hand, ripped beyond repair. Tossing them aside, he pinned both my wrists in one hand and pressed them into the mattress over my head. I wriggled and squirmed, but I didn’t really try to get away. My head was in the game again as soon as he touched me. I loved feeling him strain against me, loved testing his strength.

He waited until I stopped fighting it, and then he put the fingers of his free hand into my mouth, his eyelids heavy as he watched me suck on them. When he was satisfied, his fingers slid from my mouth and moved between my legs. I tensed, waiting for the moment of penetration. It didn’t come. Rather, Edward ran his wet fingers up and down my slit and watched intently to see how I would react.

I cried out and bucked, which seemed to please him immensely. He moved between my thighs, forcing them to open wider. His fingers never stilled. Once I caught onto his rhythm, I tried to angle my hips so that his fingers would slide inside of me. God, I wanted him inside of me. But he always pulled away before I could manage it.

Just when I thought I couldn’t stand anymore, he released my wrists and slid his hands under me. He lowered his face between my legs, and I sighed as I felt the flat of his tongue against me. Moments of pure heaven followed. I opened my eyes so that I could see him down there, his damp hair like burnished copper against my skin, his tongue pink and soft against me. It was sexy as hell. While I was still trying to get used to the sight of him down there, Edward moved again.

He sat up on his knees, and suddenly my back wasn’t touching the bed anymore. Edward gripped me by the hips, holding my lower body up off the bed with ease. My head was still on the mattress, my neck bent at a funny angle. That was the least of my problems.

Though we had shifted, Edward’s tongue was still insistent upon me – probing, lapping, tasting all of me. I bit my lip and strained against the pleasure – needing more, needing less – but he gripped my hips tighter and wouldn’t let me move. Then he shifted our position again.

I cried out both in relief and protest when he pulled his tongue away from me. Then I squealed as he flipped me over onto my hands and knees. I heard the sound of rustling fabric, felt his hands take hold of my hips. Then he pushed inside me from behind in one fluid movement.

My vision slid out of focus. He hadn’t prepared me for penetration, hadn’t stretched me first with his fingers or eased his length inside of me the way he had before. He didn’t need to. I was more than ready. When he started to move, my elbows bent and collapsed. I rested my upper body on the bed and gave up the last shred of control to him.

He took it and owned me. Game over.

It was fast, dirty, and exactly what I needed. He pounded into me hard, skin slapping skin. It burned, stretched me wide, but he never once hurt me. Somehow aware of my limits, he took me to the place where pain met pleasure and left me screaming for more.

Soon I found myself bouncing backwards to meet his thrusts, shifting my pelvis until I could feel him hit a certain sweet spot inside of me. My eyes got wider every time he struck it. I thought for a moment that I was having an orgasm, but it only grew and grew, refusing to crest. I cried out Edward’s name, begging, pleading with him, but he only drove into me harder. Eventually, even my knees went out from under me.

I screamed Edward’s name when I finally came. Clutched at the sheets until they tore. Edward gasped as I bore down on his length, but he never stopped moving. The climax went on and on – until finally, I melted into the sheets, wrung completely dry.

“Beautiful,” Edward whispered, caressing my bottom lovingly. He stilled his movements inside of me at last. He pulled out and let my lower body collapse to the bed along with the rest of me. I was a puddle before him – limp and useless and completely satiated. His hands were gentle as they flipped me over onto my back.

I whimpered quietly, realizing he was still hard. His body moved over me, narrow hips settling between my thighs until he was aligned perfectly with me. He kissed me slowly, like I was something precious to him, and gave me the time I needed to recover.

Edward’s evil twin was gone, and sweet Edward had returned. This time, I welcomed him gratefully.

“Now then,”’ he whispered, his breath stirring my hair. “If you’re quite satisfied, let’s take it slow this time. I want to make love to my wife.”

Without urgency, he pressed inside of me again, letting me get used to every inch before he pushed further. My entrance stretched and protested, sore from our first bout. But Edward soon set a pace that made me forget about any pain. Slow, deep strokes that left me breathless. I was soon lost again.

After that first powerful climax, my body could only hum with pleasure. I was unable to descent from the heights I’d been brought, and I thought I was unable to go any higher than I already had.

I was wrong about that.

He took me past that threshold of pleasure patiently – nothing urgent or desperate about it this time. We were safe, hidden in our own little cocoon from the rest of the world. And as I spiraled up and down, he was always there to catch me. We made love for hours like that, until the last shreds of tension finally fell away from us both.

Then we rested.

***

“I think you’re right,” he told me later, as we cuddled and watched through the window as the sun peaked out from behind the rainclouds. “I think everything is going to work out somehow. Maybe I’m just kidding myself, but it’s hard to be pessimistic when you’re with me.”

I pressed my face into the crook of his neck, breathing deeply of his scent. “Aro will be plotting.”

“I think he already is,” said Edward. “I don’t know if you noticed, but Alice called my cell phone quite a few times while we were, uh ... busy. I’m pretty sure she saw something in our future.”

That got my attention, and I sat up on one elbow to stare at him. “Why didn’t you answer it? I would have understood, busy or not. Well, except for maybe that first time. I mean, what if it was something really important?”

Edward shrugged. “I don’t care what she saw. I’m fed up, Bella – just as you were last night in the car. I’m tired of never being allowed to be happy with you. First James and Victoria, then Mikhail and the Volturi. Now I finally have you in my arms, and you’re all in one piece. Favors or not, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that spider, Aro, mess with our happiness now.”

The conviction in his voice made hope stir inside of me. “I love you, Edward,” I whispered, reaching out to brush his hair from his eyes. “I loved you even when I didn’t know you, even when I didn’t know who I was. If Aro thinks I’m going to let you go quietly, he has another thing coming to him.”

A real smile touched Edward’s face, all the way up to his eyes. It was something I hadn’t seen since I’d changed, and it was beautiful. He pulled me back down on the bed beside him, my face enclosed in his hands, and whispered something to me. My name, I think.

There was no more talking after that.

***

The end.

Author’s Note: As I mentioned up above, there is obviously room in there for a sequel. I hope you enjoyed this story.

If you have a moment, I’d love to know what you thought. I don’t like to ask for comments, so never feel pressured to give one. I write because I have to. It’s just who I am.

Love you guys! :)

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Ten

2009-06-06T19:19:32Z

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Nine

2008-11-17T00:26:50Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four & Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Author’s Notes: Another long chapter. A few of the comments I’ve received from the previous chapter had to do with why Edward didn’t know Mikhail was in the taxi. Previous chapters mentioned Mikhail’s gift, which is the ability to manipulate the gifts of others. Because of this, Edward can’t hear Mikhail’s thoughts unless Mikhail allows him to. Mikhail is also a gifted tracker and knows how to hide his scent if he needs to. Additionally, there might be a little more to Mikhail’s gifts than has been revealed yet. ;) Hope that clears up some of the confusion.

***

Previously...

Still keeping my eyes averted from the headlights, I jogged toward the taxi with what I hoped was human speed. I slipped into the backseat breathlessly, shaking raindrops from my hair as I looked up to smile at the driver. “My husband will just be a--”

My words faltered, mid-sentence.

I smelled him before I saw him, but by then it was too late. The vehicle was already moving, accelerating into motion before I could even gasp.

“Really...” lamented Mikhail, turning around to face me from the driver’s seat. “Is he always that easy to distract? You two are making this far too easy for me. Hardly any sport in it at all.”

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Chapter Nine

I was so stunned by Mikhail’s sudden appearance that I found myself only able to stare at him blankly. That lasted for approximately two seconds. Then the rage overtook me. I could taste the fury – a dry, fiery heat in the back of my throat, burning like thirst. I grit my teeth, nails digging into the upholstery as I addressed the object of my hatred in low, ominous tones.

“You...” I broke off, so angry, I could barely form sentences.

Mikhail’s answering smile was smug. “Me.”

“My husband is following us,” I pointed out, trying to remain calm. “Don’t doubt that.”

Mikhail chuckled, his amber eyes glinting at me in the rearview mirror. “Yes, I know. I’m rather counting on it, actually.”

“And how long do you suppose it will take him to catch up with us? Not that it matters one little bit if he’s here or not.”

“Running at human speed? About one minute and twenty seconds.”

I cursed under my breath. I had forgotten that Edward wouldn’t be able to pursue us at his full speed, not in Volterra where we had to hide our vampire strengths. It seemed Mikhail was fully aware of that limitation. Still, he didn’t appear concerned by it. He didn’t even attempt to speed through the winding streets of Volterra to put a greater distance between us and Edward. Still, what could Edward do even if he managed to catch up with us? He couldn’t exactly tip the car over or stop it with his hands any more than I could open the door and jump to safety. We could manage it, of course, but that would garner dangerous attention if the wrong people were watching. We would have to play this carefully.

“Stop the car, or I’ll stop it myself by ripping your head off your shoulders,” I ordered. “I’m fully capable of protecting myself without my husband around, you smug little-”

It was an empty threat, and he seemed to know it. Mikhail started to laugh but broke off short when I grabbed a fistful of his coal black hair and twisted it cruelly. “Now,” I growled through my teeth.

He glanced back at me, vaguely impressed by my forwardness, though to my vexation, he also appeared completely undaunted. Still, he brought the taxi to a stop a moment later, so I loosened the death grip I had on his hair. I took a quick, speculative look around and saw that we’d come to a stop in a busy plaza I’d seen on my walk through the city earlier. Mikhail cut the engine and turned around in his seat to face me, smiling at me as if he knew something that I didn’t.

“Get out of the car,” I snarled, reaching for the door handle.

He raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Only if you do.”

It was still raining when I emerged from the taxi, panting heavily with anger, but I didn’t care about getting wet. I kept my attention locked on Mikhail and nothing else. He slid from the vehicle with feline grace, his eyes never breaking their hold on me. The look on his face was triumphant, as if he’d won a game I didn’t even know we were playing. Did he have any idea how angry Edward was going to be when he caught up to us? Exactly what did Mikhail expect to do to me, a strong newborn vampire, in the remaining thirty seconds he had alone with me? I didn’t understand why he’d gone to so much trouble just to take me on a two minute joyride to nowhere.

It wasn’t until I caught the concentrated scent of humans did it really register what Mikhail had done. Edward and I had emerged from the Volturi’s lair by way of a side exit that let out onto a dark, secluded street with barely a person in sight. In contrast, this plaza was probably the most crowded part of the city, at least at that time of day. It was dinnertime in Volterra, and there were a variety of bars and restaurants all around us, their doors open, people seated inside as well as on outdoor patios, shielded from the rain by awnings and patio umbrellas. Music filled the streets, along with the jovial conversation of the restaurant patrons.

In other words, we had an enormous audience. Mikhail had brought me to a location where I wouldn’t be able to attack him without drawing immediate attention. On the plus side, it also meant that he couldn’t attack me here either, not unless he wanted to be killed by the Volturi. What was he up to? Though I felt certain of my safety, I didn’t trust him enough to let my guard down one little bit, even when I heard Edward’s footfalls rapidly approaching from the distance. He would be here in less than thirty seconds. How he must despise being forced to run so slowly.

“You’re going to regret this,” I said to Mikhail in a low voice, backing away from him as he came around the car towards me. “Why did you bring me here, of all places? What was the point of taking me if you knew Edward would just follow right after us?”

Mikhail looked over my shoulder pointedly. “Well, I needed him to follow blindly, didn’t I? He’d hardly follow if I merely asked him to, even if I said pretty please.” He gestured a gloved hand toward a nearby restaurant. “Shall we, my dear?”

My reply was decidedly less polite than the request. “Like hell.”

“Hmm. Well, feel free to discuss the invitation with your husband before you follow. I trust you know the laws of Volterra well enough to know you’re safe here. You know where I’ll be should you and your husband decide to join me.”

With a small bow of his head, Mikhail turned toward the restaurant gracefully, his long black coat sprinkled with raindrops. I kept my eyes on him until he melted into the restaurant, lost amongst the press of human bodies. My fingers itched for violence, but what could I do? Gritting my teeth, I wheeled around to face Edward, who had come to a stop behind me. He was surprisingly calm, but his face was unrecognizable – a mask of stone. I knew him well enough to recognize that the calmness was a façade, barely managing to conceal his abject fury.

“Why did you leave me alone like that?” I accused. “You just up and disappeared without any kind of explanation!”

Edward exhaled sharply, annoyed with himself. “He called to me from an alley behind us. When I sent you to the taxi, I thought I was sending you away from the conflict, not toward it.”

“I didn’t hear anything,” I argued, not following his meaning. “And Mikhail was in the taxi, not an alley. He couldn’t have been in both places.”

“He called to me in my thoughts, which is why you didn’t hear him,” Edward explained. “Led me in the wrong direction. I could see the alley in his mind. I could see him watching us from that angle, not from the taxi’s. I know he’s able to block my ability to read minds, but I didn’t know he could also manipulate it to alter what I see and hear. There’s more to him than I realized at first. Caius’s faith in Mikhail’s abilities is starting to make a bit more sense.”

“He wants us to go into the restaurant after him. I can’t tell if it’s a trap or not. I think he just wants an audience so we don’t rip him to shreds.”

“It’s always a trap with him,” said Edward. “But I can’t just walk away now, and he knows it. To be able to talk to him, to figure out what he’s after and maybe even identify a weakness or two ... I can’t pass that up. Perhaps you should go back to the hotel. I can deal with him myself.” Edward looked at me with a mixed expression; his eyes pleaded with me, but the set of his mouth said he knew that I would refuse. He was right.

“Yes, because splitting up has worked for us so well in the past. Do you really think I’m going to leave you here by yourself? I’m not some weakling, Edward. You keep forgetting that I can take care of myself.”

“Physical strength means little to him, Bella. I have the feeling he’s not very strong physically. He overcompensates too much with his brain. It’s a mind game he’s after, not a fight.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Well, it’s a good thing I have a shield in my mind then, isn’t it?”

Edward raked his fingers through his hair, frustrated and torn. I knew he didn’t want me in there, but he was also unwilling to leave me alone again. I offered him my hand to reassure him and with a sigh, he took it. But instead of heading toward the restaurant, he pulled me into a tight embrace, tucking my head under his chin. “If at any time you feel afraid or like you’re not in control, I want you to get up from the table and walk away.” He paused and kissed the top of my head. “There’s nothing he can do to stop us from leaving. We’ll seek refuge with the Volturi if it gets to be too much.”

I nodded but couldn’t help the shiver that ran down my spine when we turned toward the restaurant, hand in hand. I wasn’t sure who frightened me more – Mikhail or the Volturi. “Out of the frying pan, into the fire,” I muttered.

We found him at a table in the center of the room, watching us with a beatific smile as he traced the lip of a crystal wine glass with his finger. Edward held a chair out for me, placing me as far away from Mikhail as possible. The table was circular, which meant I was seated directly across from him. It was difficult to avoid his probing gaze. Edward pulled his chair close and put his hand over mine, his thumb tracing over my wedding ring. The gesture calmed my nerves minutely.

“I took the liberty of ordering us a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon,” said Mikhail pleasantly, gesturing to the bottle on the table. “For appearances sake, of course. I must say, Mr. Cullen, I’m so very glad you moved our little game to Italy. Of course, castling your chess pieces indicates that you’ve begun to panic, but it was a good move all the same. Bravo. And of course, it allows us to talk out in the open like this without worrying about a fight breaking out between us.”

Edward’s stone-like mask didn’t waver. “What do you want from us?”

Mikhail’s eyes shifted to me, though he spoke to Edward. The attention sent a fresh thrill of fear through me. “Want from you? Why nothing. Have I somehow given you the impression that I’m after something?”

Edward and I spoke the answer simultaneously. “Yes.”

Mikhail flashed his teeth at me. “Perhaps you’re right. But I’m hardly going to reveal that to you, am I?”

“Don’t look at her,” Edward snapped in a low voice.

Mikhail didn’t listen. He kept his eyes on me as he swirled the dark liquid in his glass. “Do you know what I like best about you, Mr. Cullen? Your blind devotion. How you rush in headfirst to protect your wife from the smallest hint of danger, whether it be real or imagined. It’s your chief weakness, and it makes you terribly easy to manipulate. I’m telling you this, of course, because I don’t like easy games. No challenge in it, you see. Do try to use your head from now on.”

“We’re not interested in playing games with you,” said Edward. “I want this to stop now.”

“And end our friendship so soon?” lamented Mikhail. “We’ve barely gotten to know one another.”

“What’s your story, anyway?” demanded Edward. “You’re unlike any vampire I’ve ever met. Your eyes, for instance. They’re not red. You don’t feed on humans.”

“Correct. But that hardly makes me unique, Mr. Cullen. They’re the same color as your own.”

“All the same, you’ve also said that you detest violence,” Edward pressed. “There has to be some shred of humanity in you. So why do you keep trying to play games with us?”

“I detest physical violence,” corrected Mikhail. “I trust you know the difference from our first meeting with each other.”

Edward’s jaw tensed, his eyes narrowing. “Why only physical? Don’t the same principles apply to other forms of violence?”

“Oh, principles have nothing to do with it,” said Mikhail. “I dislike getting my hands dirty. Well, in a literal sense, at any rate. Killing humans is rather messy, isn’t it? Blood and bile flying this way and that. Humans screaming, cursing, frothing at the mouth, soiling their garments. It’s very uncouth, wouldn’t you agree? I like to think I’ve evolved past the need for such things. Animals are much simpler creatures. They understand the circle of life and don’t make nearly the fuss that humans do.”

“So it’s not out of regard for human life?” asked Edward.

Mikhail laughed. “Why on earth would I have regard for humans? Like smelly little flies, crawling all over each other, unaware of their own frailty and filth. I rather enjoy not relying on them for my survival. You know, Mr. Cullen, you and I are very much alike deep down. We pride ourselves in our independence, in our concrete resolve when it comes to certain matters. We both dislike not being in control, having vulnerabilities that others can exploit. And we’ve already established exactly what your greatest vulnerability is, haven’t we?” He lifted his glass in my direction, the gesture full of meaning.

Edward leaned forward, eyes deadly. “Why don’t you and I take a trip out of the city limits and settle this the old fashioned way?”

“Now why on earth would I want to do that?” asked Mikhail, tittering as if Edward had told a good joke. “If you and I were to engage in combat, you would no-doubt prevail. I am no match for you physically, nor am I a match for your newborn wife’s strength. But mentally ... well, let’s just say I could take you both down right here at this very moment without moving a muscle.”

Edward said nothing, though the look in his eyes was livid with hate. His hand tightened possessively over my own.

Mikhail turned his gaze on me again, his face full of excited delight. “You see what I mean about his blind devotion? He’s jumping at the chance to tear me apart, not because I threatened him, but because I just included you in that threat. Isn’t this fun? I could end him right here and now with only idle threats in my arsenal.”

So that was what Mikhail was trying to do, why he’d brought us to a crowded restaurant. He was trying to bait Edward into a reaction, possibly an outright attack. I did a quick scan of the restaurant, aware that we had gained a small audience. People were staring at our table, their initial attention likely drawn by the beauty of the two vampires with me. The obvious tense exchange between Edward and Mikhail ensured that most of the humans didn’t look away. A fight was brewing, and everyone seemed to know it. I sniffed the air tentatively, searching past the smell of the humans for a different scent. I had a feeling that the Volturi were watching, but I had yet to detect their presence. That didn’t mean they weren’t there, only that they were good at concealing themselves. This was getting dangerous. I placed my free hand over our intertwined fingers, trying to calm Edward down. It didn’t work.

“I told you not to look at her,” Edward bit out, straining his body forward to draw Mikhail’s attention away from me. “This is between you and me.”

“Do you see that look on his face, Mrs. Cullen?” asked Mikhail, his smile never faltering. “The desperation. The helplessness. The fear. Therein lies the reason I continue to seek you out. Your husband has constantly striven to outsmart me, yet he’s never once succeeded. I would have left the two of you alone after delivering the Volturi’s ultimatum, but you see ... I read people quite well. I knew that he would try to find a way to evade my demands, to attempt to give you a choice in the matter when there was really no choice at all. That was unwise. It ... angered me.” Mikhail paused and took a slow breath through his clenched teeth. “I have to tell you, in all my many centuries, I’ve never been met with such insolence. My word is law, and those who attempt to disobey me will find themselves coming apart at the seams. I will unmake you, Mr. Cullen, and I will take everything you love in the process. Everything. Starting with her.”

Silence fell over the table as Mikhail and Edward stared each other down. Fear coursed through me as I read the wild fury in Edward’s face. His eyes were as black as pitch, like a snake about to strike.

“What would you do, Mr. Cullen?” asked Mikhail, obviously trying to push Edward over the edge of his control. “If I did to you right now what I did to you in Paris? I trust you remember the long hours of pain? Do you think you’d be able to control your screams in the middle of this restaurant? Do you think your wife would just sit there and let me torture you right in front of her? No, I think she would attack me outright if she saw that I was hurting you. The Volturi would rip her apart. And then, predictable as the dawn, you would try to stop them and thus, be killed yourself. And I would just be sitting here, smiling and pretending to sip my wine. I wouldn’t have to lift so much as a finger to destroy the both of you. What reason would the Volturi have to harm me?”

Anger burned red-hot in my throat. Edward’s hand was a vise on my own, and it was the only thing that kept me in my seat. I remembered what he had said before we even entered the restaurant – that we should leave if either one of us felt as though we were losing control. Surely we should be walking away now, before a real fight broke out, but Edward showed no indication that he was interested in leaving. He leaned forward, as if anticipating something. He raised his eyebrows in challenge, as if to say, “I’d like to see you try. Go right ahead.”

Mikhail’s smile faltered only a fraction. Then he shifted his attention to me again, likely because that seemed to anger Edward more than anything else. “Or I could go another route,” he mused. “How easy it would be to tear down that little shield in your wife’s brain. I’ve done so before, if you remember. In your own bedroom, no less. And if memory serves me right, she nearly lost control of her newborn bloodlust the second I did so. I wonder what she would do here, in this room full of human prey? I wonder how long it would take the Volturi to step in once she began to hunt? It would all end up much the same, I think. The both of you would die, and I would be an innocent bystander. You know, you really should plan your moves better, Mr. Cullen. They don’t call me the Grandmaster for nothing.”

Edward got to his feet, and for one terrifying moment, I thought Mikhail had finally pushed him over the edge with his threats. But Edward merely pulled me to my feet and murmured in my ear, “We’re leaving. Now.”

Mikhail remained seated, but his cold eyes narrowed into slits when he saw that he was losing control of his audience. “We’re not done here yet. Sit down, or I’ll make you sit.”

He carried out the threat without a moment’s hesitation. Pain encased my head on all sides, like someone had a grip on my skull and was intent on crushing it with their bare hands. No one was touching me, of course. This was all in my head, all Mikhail’s doing, but there was nothing I could do to stop him from tearing my mental shield into shreds. My ears plugged up, and I slumped forward into Edward’s arms as the weight of my returning memories made my knees go out from underneath me.

Once the shock of that wore off, I caught the edge of the most delicious scent in the air and nearly went mad with desire for it. Human blood. A violent thirst erupted in my throat ... and was gone before I could shove Edward’s arms away and rip out the throat of the nearest human. Mikhail let my shield slip back into place in my mind, and I clung to Edward, shaking violently until the bloodlust faded and my self-control returned. I shook my head, dazed as the memories faded as well, momentarily leaving me with nothing but a blank slate until I looked into Edward’s horrified eyes. Only the memories of the last few days since my awakening settled back in place. I felt sick. Shaken. Violated to the core of my being.

“There now,” cooed Mikhail, still seated at the table as if nothing unpleasant had transpired between us. “All better, then? Has your bloodlust calmed, my dear? If you’d like it to stay that way, I suggest the two of you sit down. As I said before, we’re not done here.”

As Edward’s attention turned slowly toward Mikhail, I started shaking for a different reason entirely. I could feel the anger shimmering off of Edward’s body, and I took hold of his arm, silently willing him not to react with violence. We had to get out of here before someone lost control. I glanced around and saw that the entire restaurant was staring at us.

Edward kept their attention. He leveled a finger at Mikhail, and to my surprise, started shouting at him in Italian. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but the message was clear. Edward pointed at me, then again at Mikhail, his voice thick with heated accusations.

Mikhail’s smirk slowly faded from his face, and a distinct note of nervousness took its place. “Are you insane?” he hissed under his breath. “The Volturi are watching us, you fool. Are you ready to die already before we’ve even begun to play? Stop making a show.”

Edward leaned forward against the table, eyes blazing. “The show isn’t for the Volturi. I just need the humans to understand why I’m about to do this, so they don’t try to stop me. Who knows? They might even cheer.”

And with that, Edward grabbed a fistful of Mikhail’s shirt and yanked him to his feet. I gasped and backed away, allowing room for Edward to drag Mikhail past me and toward the door. To my surprise, the restaurant erupted into laughter and approving applause. A group of working class men seated at the bar raised their glasses in our direction, then moved toward the window, anxious to see the fight.

Whatever Edward had accused Mikhail of in Italian must have put the patrons of the restaurant soundly in Edward’s corner. They likely thought he was defending my honor or something along those lines. Just two men arguing over a woman – human enough behavior, I supposed. But would the Volturi see it that way?

I went after them, looking over my shoulder every few seconds, thinking surely a robed figure would be lurking in the shadows, watching and waiting. Edward pulled Mikhail roughly into a dark alleyway between two restaurants, as far into the shadows as possible, away from curious human eyes. He didn’t stop there. I heard the scrape of metal on concrete and realized that Edward had pulled a sewer cap to the side. With a snarl, he threw Mikhail to the ground and kicked and shoved until they both disappeared down into the sewer entrance. There was a strangled curse and a splash, followed by a chorus of inhuman snarls.

First making sure that no one was watching, I followed them down the hole, and to my disgust, found myself in ankle-deep water at the bottom. Rain water poured in from the open sewer hole above, and a fast current washed over my feet. I followed the sound of fighting further down into the sewer, cringing when I saw Edward’s fist connect with Mikhail’s face. Not that I minded the sight of Mikhail flailing backwards into the filthy water, his immaculate suit ruined, but the impact of vampire flesh-on-flesh sounded like a crack of thunder. Thank goodness it was raining outside; thunder was entirely unlikely tonight. Still, the Volturi still might rip us to shreds all the same.

Mikhail seemed to be thinking along the same lines as I was. “Have you completely lost hold of your senses?” he sputtered, wiping his face clean of the sewer water. “I was bluffing, you imbecile. Don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

Edward pulled Mikhail to his feet and shoved him hard against the wall. “You attacked my wife. My wife! ”

“I never lifted a finger against her,” Mikhail gasped, trying to pry Edward’s fingers from his throat.

Edward’s answering smile surprised me. “That doesn’t matter much. We spoke directly to the Volturi earlier this evening. Aro warned us not to throw the first punch if you confronted us. He never said we couldn’t defend ourselves if you were the first to attack. Not only did you attack my wife mentally, but you just endangered the lives of dozens of humans in that restaurant when you tore down her shield. If I hadn’t gotten you out of there, you would have caused Bella to lose control. Their deaths would be on your hands.”

“You can’t prove I attacked anyone,” Mikhail growled.

Edward shook his head. “I heard her thoughts when you took down her shield. I felt exactly what you did to her, and once Aro touches either of our hands, he’ll know what you did as well. How’s that for proof? I should take you to Aro, myself. Let him deal with you.”

A knowing smile curled across Mikhail’s lips. “You won’t.”

Edward’s expression hardened. “No, I won’t.”

Mikhail’s laughter echoed through the sewer. “Are you going to try to tear me apart yourself, then? You know, you might have the upper hand when it comes to brute strength, but that matters little when it really comes down to it. You truly are a bigger fool than I thought you were. Ask yourself this, Mr. Cullen...” Malice glinting across his angelic features as he leaned forward, hissing the words directly into Edward’s face. “Do you really want to fuck with me? ”

Edward winced and shook his head as if he’d heard some sort of high pitched noise – though I hadn’t heard anything except our ragged breathing and the sound of the current washing over our feet. Then he winced again – violently this time – and his grip on Mikhail faltered. Edward cried out and gripped the sides of his head like he was in absolute agony. I gasped, eyes wide as I stared at him in horror. What was wrong with him?

Mikhail was still laughing as he shoved Edward backwards. He landed in the water, his hands clamped over his ears as he writhed in pain. It was obvious that he was unable to get up, held down by some unseen force that was hurting him.

I glared at Mikhail, charging forward accusingly. “It’s you ... whatever you’re doing to him, stop it!”

Mikhail skipped backwards, away from me, and bowed with a flourish. “Oh, didn’t he tell you? I’m sure you’re aware that Edward’s gift enables him to keep most of the voices in his head at a low hum until he decides to listen in. Listening to everything at once would surely drive the poor boy insane. My gift enables me to manipulate his gift. Let’s just say I turned up the volume in his head a bit.”

Behind us, Edward started to scream.

Blinded by fury, I crouched low to the ground and launched myself at him like a cat, ready to tear him apart with my bare hands – and then suddenly, I was on the ground, too. I choked on water, gripping my head as I felt the increasingly familiar crush of memories flooding back to me. Mikhail was doing it again, manipulating my shield. It wasn’t any easier the third time around, and he seemed to know it. Debilitating was an understatement. He gave me a second to find my bearings under the weight of memories before he let the shield slam back in place, which was just as painful and disorienting as tearing it down.

And then he did it all over again.

I was in agony, unable to find my footing in my own mind, barely able to remember who I was for more than a second or two before he started the cycle all over again. I stayed on the ground, gasping, completely dazed, unable to move.

Mikhail leaned over me, and I stared up at him in horror, realizing how truly helpless I was. “Pitiful, really. The both of you, conquered by your own gifts. I did try to warn you, but I suppose that’s in the past now. You’ve forced my hand. Now that I have you both exactly where I want you, whatever am I going to do with you?”

***

To be continued.

Author’s Notes: One chapter plus an epilogue to go. I have to tell you how much I enjoy writing Mikhail. Sorry, but evil characters are just plain fun. Especially when they’re pretty. ;)

Also, I’m counting this chapter as a personal milestone. Finishing this chapter pushes my total Twilight fanfiction word count past 100,000 words, all written in less than five months. *pats self on the back*

Hope you enjoyed. Cheers! -Coquette

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Eight

2008-10-27T20:08:39Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four & Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Author’s Notes: Long time, no see, eh? I’ve been working on an original novel, and it’s in pretty good shape for the time being. I need a break at any rate. I’ve missed writing fanfiction and interacting with you all, so here I am. Citizen Erased should be finished up in the next few chapters, and I hope to get them all out within the next week or so. I’ll finish The Small Print after that. I also have a new story I’ve been working on in my spare time. Sort of a rewrite of the ending of New Moon.

Citizen Erased has been nominated at The Twilight Awards for Best Alternative BD and Best Angst/Drama. Angsty, me? *blinks innocently*

This chapter is looooong. Almost double the length that I usually post. Penance for the hiatus, I suppose.

Rated: PG-13. It will turn NC-17 before the story ends, for those of you who have been wondering. I’ve said it before ... I’m not called Coquette for nothing, you know. *wink*

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Chapter Eight

Edward made me drink more blood than I particularly wanted to before we drove to the airport. It turned out to be a wise thing to do. The concentrated scent of humans at the airport was maddening and impossible to get away from. I was again thankful that my mental shield enabled me to keep my bloodlust in check. All the same, Edward kept a tight grip on my hand and eyed my face cautiously every few minutes, making sure that I was still in control of myself.

“This is a very foolish thing to do,” he told me as we maneuvered the terminals. “Just in case you were wondering. If it were anyone else but you...”

“I won’t eat anyone,” I promised. “Have a little faith.”

The kiss he planted on my forehead indicated that he was trying his best.

I leaned into him as he drew me close, delighted with our newfound intimacy, with the comfort and security his unconditional love provided. I wondered if we would have any privacy on the plane, and if so, if there would be a repeat performance of the time we had just spent together in our hotel room, locked in each other’s arms. I smiled at the prospect, eager to have him alone again.

I had no memory of airports or the plane rides I’d taken as a human, and as a result of that ignorance, I didn’t understand things that seemed obvious to everyone else. Like why I had to take off my shoes in one line, pull my laptop out of its bag, then promptly put everything back in place again. Someone waved a flat, plastic wand at me before letting me through the line. Humans were very strange.

“Is something wrong with my shoes?” I whispered to Edward when we were free of the line.

“They just want to make sure the flight is safe,” he replied. His voice was so quiet, I was certain that I was the only one that could hear him. “Little do they know that my carryon item is more dangerous than any shoe bomb.”

“Your carryon item?”

He smiled down at me fondly. “Just don’t snack on the pilot, all right? Or the passengers. I haven’t landed a plane in years, and I’m a little rusty.”

I expected our plane to be the size of the large jets we saw through the terminal windows and was surprised when we boarded a much smaller, sleeker craft. The lush cabin was dimly lit, easy on my sensitive eyes. The cushy, leather seats were paired in twos down the aisle, most of them empty. There were only a handful of other people on the plane with us, spread out sparsely amongst the seats. Most of them had the bored-but-entitled look of the wealthy.

“A semi-private jet is better than nothing,” said Edward as we took our seats. “Expensive, not to mention rather flamboyant, but we’ll be more comfortable this way. And you’ll be more likely to resist temptation. It’s a long flight.”

I sniffed, irritated. “You underestimate me.”

“It’s not that, Bella. You’ve proven that you can control yourself. I’m just trying to make it easier for you. And me. You forget that I’m a vampire, too.”

He was right, of course. The smell of half a dozen humans was much easier to bear than the hundreds that were in the terminals. Even Edward looked relieved to be free of the place. When I noticed the purple shadows under his eyes, I remembered that he hadn’t joined in hunting with his brothers and sisters back in Forks because he had stayed behind with me.

“You struggle with the bloodlust, too?” I asked, my voice soft.

Edward sighed as he reached across to pull down the window shade. “Every day.”

***

I read the journal for most of the flight, though the stewardess asked several times if I wanted to sleep. I politely refused the proffered pillow, though Edward accepted, mostly for show I imagined. He never fully closed his eyes but rather watched me through his thick eyelashes as I read. Every now and then, he would fiddle with a piece of my hair or trace the length of my collarbone with his fingers. It was unbelievably distracting, though not unwelcome in the least. Not only did I find pleasure in his small touches, but it was the only time the worry over the situation with Mikhail and the Volturi slipped from his face. In that respect, it was a welcome distraction for us both.

“You’re not a very good actor, you know,” I teased him. “Aren’t you supposed to be pretending to sleep?”

“I’m very good when I want to be,” he whispered back, and I shivered in pleasure when he pressed his lips to the bite scar on my neck. How I loved it when he kissed me there. “My mind is elsewhere at the moment, I’m afraid.”

He lifted his face to mine and caught me in a series of soft kisses. When he pulled back, I noticed his eyes were sparkling mischievously. “Tell me,” he began, fighting against a grin. “Have you read the bit in your journals about the plane ride we took to our honeymoon?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “I haven’t gotten to that yet.”

For some reason that made him chuckle. “Hmm. Perhaps you shouldn’t. I wouldn’t want you to get any ideas. At least not until we’re safely on land.” He laughed again, probably at my confused expression, but didn’t elaborate further. After another languid kiss that made my head spin, he let me get back to reading. It took a considerable amount of effort to concentrate, what with him holding my hand, tracing patterns into my palm with the tip of his finger. Somehow I managed.

Edward had told me earlier that my vampire eyes were able to read faster than any human eyes could, the same way we could speak and move faster. As a result, I was close to finishing the long journal as the plane drew nearer to our destination. I learned more of the Volturi and their laws, more about the Cullens and my other friends and family in Forks. I also learned more about my marriage to Edward, our honeymoon, and a great deal more than I expected to about our sex life after marriage.

I skipped those parts, embarrassed, particularly because Edward was sitting right next to me, still watching me with adoring eyes. I did, however, read about the plane ride we’d taken to Scotland, curious as to what he was referring to. Edward’s laughter rang out in the quiet cabin when he saw the panicked look on my face. I skipped ahead again, so mortified that I sank down in my seat and turned my face away from him. He murmured an apology in my ear, though his voice was still thick with amusement. He nuzzled me, tickling my ribs with his fingers until he had me laughing, too. It was a little funny.

Part of me wished that I could remember the honeymoon, to really know what it felt like to make love to Edward instead of just reading about it. But the intimate details of our honeymoon were something I wasn’t ready to deal with yet. Perhaps someday soon that would change.

I read the journal until I got to the part when Mikhail entered the picture, cornering Edward and Bella in a train in Paris. Five minutes later, I closed the laptop lid and pushed it aside until I could calm down. My hands were shaking, and I found myself angrier than I could ever remember being.

“What’s wrong?” asked Edward when he saw the change in my demeanor. “I didn’t upset you, did I?”

“No,” I said evenly. “I was reading about what happened in Paris. When Mikhail and his men took you away.”

A black look kindled in Edward’s eyes, and then he turned his gaze away from me for the first time since we had gotten on the airplane. “Oh.”

I couldn’t think of what to say. I wanted to cry and couldn’t manage it. I wanted to scream, to hit something, but that would hardly be wise while flying over the ocean. I would have to remain calm. There was, after all, a constructive way I could dispel my fury. Simply put, I was going to kill Mikhail the next time I laid eyes on him. I knew now that he had hurt Edward, and for that, Mikhail was going to die.

“What did he do to you?” I asked Edward after I found my voice. “When they took you away from Bella for that day? The journals say they hurt you physically somehow, but you never told Bella the specifics.”

“You mean, I never told you the specifics,” corrected Edward, still not looking at me. “I thought you were going to stop referring to yourself in the third person?”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

“Noticed that, did you? Sorry. I don’t want to talk about it. Perhaps after I’ve dismembered him.”

I let the issue drop for the time being because the subject was obviously an unwelcome one. What I didn’t say out loud was, Not before I dismember him first.

***

The plane landed in Florence, and we had to rent a car in order to drive south toward Volterra. I was anxious and more than a little restless after the long flight. Though I stared at the rough but beautiful terrain of the passing countryside, I barely saw it. Perhaps I would be able to enjoy it more after our meeting with the Volturi or after the threat of Mikhail was eliminated, preferably at my own hands.

When we reached the walled city, Edward secured us a nice hotel room, but we only stopped there long enough to put our bags in the room. Outside, the setting sun was safely enclosed behind approaching storm clouds, and Edward was just as eager as I was to get this over with. No need to put it off any longer. I accepted his hand, took a deep breath to fortify my courage, and we took to the narrow, winding streets on foot.

Volterra was lovely in twilight. Though I’d read about it in the journals, Bella’s mind had been preoccupied with finding Edward at the time. She hadn’t taken much time to observe anything except that which stood as an obstacle between her and her goal. I saw the Palazzo dei Priori, the clock tower that Bella had raced against, and the wide, square fountain that she had waded across in her desperation to get to Edward. It bothered me more than I let on that none of it held any familiarity for me.

Edward squeezed my hand, and I looked up into his face to read an expression there I was growing accustomed to seeing. He wanted to know what I was thinking about. I realized how frustrating it must be to know the thoughts of everyone he encountered with the singular exception of his wife.

“Just wondering where the entrance is,” I said, answering his silent question. It was a partial truth – good enough. “I didn’t read this part of the journal very carefully. I was a little anxious by that point. You know ... wanting to know how it all ended up.”

He smiled, but I could see the apprehension in his face though he was striving to mask it, probably for my benefit. “There’s more than one entrance. The tunnels are the closest. But you should know that they’re sending someone out to escort us. They were watching for our approach. I can hear their thoughts. It would comfort me if I could hear yours right now. Are you frightened?”

“No.”

“Liar,” he whispered as he slipped his arm around my waist. “We’re going to be fine. Take care now. They’re within earshot.”

Though the plaza was poorly lit in the failing light, we easily caught sight of two figures emerging from an alley. The wind shifted, stirring their capes, drawing their scent in our direction. They smelled distinctly of human blood, and their eyes glowed a brighter crimson than even my own. They had fed recently, I realized. I knew to expect that of the Volturi, but being directly confronted with it bothered me.

“Felix,” said Edward in greeting, nodding his head curtly. “Demetri.”

“Carlisle sent word to expect you,” said the bulkier one with the black hair. I remembered from the journals that he was Felix. Demetri merely stared at us, his body leaning back in the direction they’d come from, as if he was anxious to return.

They both turned and walked back toward the alley without another word. Apparently we were meant to follow, though their greeting hadn’t been particularly welcoming. I hesitated, and if it hadn’t been for Edward’s reassuring arm at my waist, I probably wouldn’t have followed.

The tunnels beneath the city were not as Bella described them, but I suppose that’s because she was a human at the time. I didn’t find them particularly cold, nor did the dampness or the uneven stones beneath my feet bother me. The arched walls were easy for me to see, even in the darkness. Still, I felt every bit as uncertain as she had when she had made this same journey, though I was much better prepared for this meeting than she had been, thanks to her account in her journal. She’d gone into this blind, poor girl.

Felix glanced back at us only once. “She’s quicker this time,” he noted, his tone mocking. “And quieter.”

When we emerged from the tunnels, we were ushered down a long hallway and into an elevator. I recognized my surroundings from the descriptions in the journals but the vague familiarity offered me no comfort. When we stepped from the elevator, I looked around the reception area expectantly for the human woman I’d read about, Gianna. I frowned and slowed my pace when I realized there was a young human male in a suit behind the desk where Gianna should have been. What had her fate been, I wondered? The human got to his feet and smiled nervously as we entered. Though I returned the gesture, Edward glared at him, reading who-knows-what in his thoughts. Felix and Demetri ignored him entirely.

We were ushered forward in silence until we reached a large round chamber made of ancient stone. There, the Volturi stood, waiting for us. I eyed them, feeling dread build in the pit of my stomach. Though I couldn’t remember ever laying eyes on any of them, I recognized a few of them well enough from Bella’s descriptions. Three of them stood apart from the others, turned toward each other as if we’d interrupted a conversation. Aro, Caius, and Marcus, from the look of it. I only had to study them for a moment before I decided who was who. Their bodyguards lingered close to them.

Aro’s milky eyes brightened when we entered the room, his onion skin crinkling in a spider-like smile. The sight of him simultaneously terrified and intrigued me.

“My young friends,” he said, crossing the room so smoothly, it was as if he was floating rather than walking. “How delighted I was when Carlisle sent word that you were to pay us a visit.”

Aro was the only one that stepped forward to greet us. Marcus was disinterested; Caius was a little too interested, though he remained silent. The others hovered in the background, not bothering to hide their curious and sometimes hostile stares. I distinguished Jane easily from the others and caught her glowering at me intently, her perfect lips puckered in an expression of frustration. Edward noticed and exhaled sharply in anger, fixing her with a hot glare. It took me a second to realize that she was trying to use her mental power of torture on me. My shield held and kept her out, thank goodness. I held her gaze until she looked away.

Oblivious to the exchange, or perhaps indifferent to it, Aro addressed me with absolute delight in his voice. “Lovely,” he breathed, eyeing me up and down appreciatively. “Just as I knew you would be. The change suits you, my dear.”

He reached to take my hand, and I offered it to him without thinking, forgetting for a moment that touch was Aro’s way of reading someone’s thoughts. Edward stiffened beside me but relaxed a fraction when Aro sighed in dissatisfaction.

“Still resistant to my powers, I see,” said Aro, loosening his hold on my hand. “How disappointing. I suppose you’re still unable to read her mind as well, Edward?”

“That’s correct,” Edward replied, his tone much less congenial than Aro’s. “And I suppose you know the reason we’re here?”

“Carlisle was brief but to the point,” said Aro. “I understand you’re having a bit of trouble with a certain tracker. The Großmeister.”

Edward nodded, his expression hard. “He claims he’s acting under your orders, that he was sent by you to ensure that Bella became a vampire. The ultimatum he presented was quite stringent. As you can see, Bella has undergone the transformation as you requested. Yet this Mikhail still pursues us. He seeks Bella out in particular. I want to know why we have to endure this continued intrusion into our lives. We have done everything you asked of us.”

Aro listened carefully, but rather than replying, he reached out his hand to Edward, beckoning him to take it. Edward eyed the outstretched hand with suspicion, obviously hesitant to open up his memories in that way.

“Your explanation is insufficient,” said Aro. “I need to fully understand what he’s done to you. I need to see it for myself.”

It was likely Aro just wanted to access to all of Edward’s thoughts, along with the thoughts of everyone else that Edward had ever heard mentally. Edward likely knew that just as well as I did but was left with little choice. He reached out, though his expression clearly told of his displeasure.

Aro accepted his hand with eagerness, and he let his transparent eyelids flutter closed as he concentrated on the flood of memories. The silent exchange took longer than I expected, and Aro took it in almost like an addict presented with his drug of choice.

When his eyes opened at last, he was frowning, and he looked at me in astonishment. “You’ve lost your memories.”

I nodded, uncomfortable under his filmy gaze.

“Most unusual,” he said, turning to face Edward. “And you think it’s likely a side effect of her powers, do you?”

“Mikhail proved that when he broke into our home and cornered her,” replied Edward, the anger in his voice pointed. It was evident who he blamed for the trouble we’d found ourselves in of late.

“I had no idea,” said Aro. “Truly. My mind is open to you, Edward. Read the truth for yourself. I’ve never met the Großmeister face to face. This Mikhail, as you call him. Caius was the one that commissioned his services. If you remember, Caius was particularly keen on Bella’s future as a vampire.”

Edward’s glare shifted toward Caius, his anger crackling in the room like electricity. “Strange. I remember him being more interested in her death.”

“Caius acted in the interest of us all,” interjected Aro, his voice ever pleasant. “The law did claim her. All the same, Edward, the Großmeister was only sent to you as a messenger. He was instructed not to harm you.”

“He was instructed not to kill us,” corrected Edward. “There’s a distinct difference.”

“Perhaps my original message was not conveyed the way I instructed.” Though the words were repentant, Aro’s voice had a patronizing edge to it.

“If that’s the case, then we ask merely that you intervene and set right this ... misunderstanding.” Edward said the word through clenched teeth.

“Perhaps you should not have killed Mikhail’s men,” Aro replied. “Have you considered the possibility that his actions are revenge for your hastiness?”

“They were going to force Bella,” Edward seethed. “And do who knows what else to my family. Did you really expect us not to protect ourselves?”

“Bella was never forced to become a vampire,” corrected Aro with a bright chuckle. “She could just as easily have chosen death. Let’s not overreact, hmm?”

I balked at the jolly statement. Edward’s mood shifted to a darker place than it had already been, but somehow, he remained calm. “Will you help us or not?” he asked, his voice suddenly quiet.

“What exactly am I supposed to do?” asked Aro, still smiling brightly.

“Call him off of our trail.” Edward looked at Caius again. “Or you. You’re the one that hired him.”

“His contract with us ended the moment he delivered our message,” said Caius in a bored tone. “Any further contact with you is most likely of a personal nature and not of our concern.”

“Not your concern?” echoed Edward in disbelief. “It’s your fault he caught her scent in the first place.”

Aro raised his hands to interrupt. “You know how fond I am of you, Edward. Perhaps you would consider a trade? His death for your companionship. After all, if you joined the Volturi and the Großmeister were to interfere with you again, well then it would absolutely concern us all. I’ll have him put to death immediately.”

Edward was shaking his head before Aro finished speaking. “You know I can’t do that. If you won’t aid us, I’ll have to find a way to kill him myself.”

Caius gave a quiet snort. “Not likely. Though it will be interesting to watch you try.”

“Do reconsider, Edward,” pressed Aro. “And you, Bella. The invitation to join us is always open to you as well.”

I scanned the other faces in the room, and it was evident that most of them did not share Aro’s enthusiasm over us joining their ranks. “No,” I replied politely, the way had Edward instructed me to. “Thank you.”

Aro looked crestfallen for a moment, but it was short-lived, as though he already knew the answer before we’d spoken it. “You know, there is a very simple solution to this problem. But of course, I’ve seen in your thoughts that you’re already aware of it, Edward. You were wise to bring Bella here if it’s a tracker you’re avoiding.”

I looked up at Edward expectantly for an explanation, but it was Aro that provided it to me.

“Hunting in our city is forbidden,” he told me in a sing-song voice, as if speaking to a child. “That’s something you should be keenly aware of, Bella, since this is your first visit to Volterra as a vampire. That includes hunting of any kind, my dear. Human prey or vampire. You see, when vampires engage in combat with one another, it’s rather ... disruptive. And since we like to remain in the shadows here, the law requires that we eliminate that which disturbs.”

“So if Mikhail attempts to fight with one of us while in Volterra...” said Edward.

I was starting to catch on. “Then the Volturi will stop him.”

Aro beamed at us both like a proud schoolmaster. “As the law requires. I hope you recognize that the Volturi are your friends, but I must also impress upon you that the same condition that binds the tracker binds the both of you as well. While you are in our city, I would suggest being mindful of your behavior. In other words, if this Mikhail fellow does confront you while in the city, it would be unwise to ... oh, how do you Americans phrase it? Throw the first punch?”

In the background, Caius rolled his eyes heavenward. Marcus’s gaze was fixed on the floor, and I wondered if he was even listening.

“We won’t forget,” promised Edward, putting a gentle hand on the back of my neck. “We should be going, then. Thank you for taking the time to meet with us.”

Aro held up his hands in distress. “Come now, Edward. Must you go soon? We’ve barely begun our visit. Stay and feast with us. We can send Heidi outside the city walls to fetch ... something to celebrate with.” He laughed and clapped his bloodless hands, as if he’d told a good joke. “After all, I’ve seen in your thoughts that Bella has yet to taste of the glories of human lifeblood. She should experience it at least once and decide for herself if abstaining is truly worth it.”

Edward’s face was displeased, but he surprised me when he didn’t refuse Aro outright. Instead, he turned to me, indicating that it was my choice.

“Thank you for the offer,” I said, smiling at Aro even though I didn’t particularly want to. “But I already know it’s worth it.”

Aro was taken aback by this. “Truly remarkable, that gift of yours,” he mused. “I’ve never seen your equal, at least in terms of self-control.” He turned his eyes upon Edward, though still addressed me with his words. “Well, my dear, you certainly have found yourself in the right company. But I wonder if things would be different should you ever stray from it?”

***

It was raining by the time we reached the streets again – a light but steady downpour that turned the dust on the streets into a thin, red mud. Still dry beneath the building’s overhang, I stared up into the dark sky with wide eyes, amazed that not only could I see each individual rain drop falling from the heavens, but I could also see the drops beading together and forming in the clouds. I stood motionless, mesmerized at the sight, remembering myself only when Edward spoke.

“Let’s hail a taxi,” he said, eyeing the sky with far less wonder than I did. “I don’t care to walk in the rain all the way to the hotel.”

“We could always run,” I suggested. “We won’t get that wet if we’re quick. The rain is light enough.” The truth was that I didn’t want to be in a car, not when the night air was so refreshing, so different from the Volturi’s oppressive stone chamber. How glad I was to be free of the place.

Edward shook his head in reply. “Remember what Aro said. Under no circumstances should you exhibit your vampire strength or speed in this city. They’ll be watching us closely until we leave, so try to act as human as possible. Humans usually find other methods of transportation when walking isn’t practical.”

“Act human?” I echoed sullenly. I felt a bit childish but didn’t care. “That’s easy for you to say. I don’t remember being human.”

His expression softened, though his eyes were fierce as they took me in. “You’re doing just fine,” he said in a gentle voice, hugging me close.

I exhaled slowly as I leaned into him, comforted by his touch. His reassuring presence relaxed away a little of the tension brought about by the events of the last twenty-four hours, though not all of it.

I’m not certain why, but the humidity in the air made his scent stand out more to me. It embraced me just as surely as his arms did. I pressed my face into his shoulder and inhaled his scent deeply, delighted when he did the same to me.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Bella,” he whispered into my hair, probably sensing how fragile I felt at that moment. “Remember that Mikhail can’t do anything to harm us while we’re here, at least not out in the open.”

I heard something in his voice that made me suspicious, and when I pulled back to look into his face, I saw it in his eyes, too. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Edward’s answering smile was brittle. “I’m just thinking ahead, is all. Trackers are tricky, and Mikhail is definitely more intelligent than most. He’ll figure out something eventually. But staying here for the present will give me a little time to plan and figure out how to ferret him out of the shadows, hopefully into a trap of my own making.”

“You really think he’s going to follow us all the way to Italy?”

“I’m convinced of it,” Edward replied grimly. “But never mind that for now. We’ll worry about that when the time comes. And besides, I can’t think of anywhere else on the planet where we’d be safer. Let’s go back to the hotel and ... get comfortable.”

If I was capable of blushing, the look on his face definitely would have set my skin ablaze. I knew all too well that a simple yes from me would result in a night of love-making back at the hotel. Edward was convinced that I was his wife, his Bella. Why shouldn’t he make love to her? It was tempting, so very tempting, but could I really let myself go there? I knew that he wouldn’t push if I told him no, but I was having trouble remembering the reasons I had refused him in the first place.

“Shall we go, then?” he asked, lifting his eyebrows at me.

I nodded, trying to keep my breathing even the way a human would. It took quite a bit of concentration.

Edward lifted his hand to hail the rain-speckled taxi that was parked across the street, the engine idling, steam curling upward from the exhaust. The windshield wipers were off, and the dark windows were blurred in the rain. The driver flipped on the headlights, most likely indicating that had seen Edward hail him. The light bounced off of every raindrop between us and the taxi, creating twin halos of light around the vehicle. Every color of the rainbow reflected off of the raindrops.

Edward and I both squinted and turned our eyes away from the blinding light. Vampire eyes might see remarkably well in the darkness, but with that came a brief sensitivity when sudden, brilliant light was introduced. It was as if my pupils were fully dilated in order to see in the darkness, letting too much light into my eyes.

Arm in arm, we started for the taxi, but before we could cross the street, Edward suddenly stopped and spun around as if someone had called his name. I didn’t hear what caught his attention. He frowned deeply, and his arms fell away from me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, trying to read his face.

It took him a moment to reply, as if he was listening to something that I wasn’t able to hear. Probably someone’s thoughts, I decided. “Go get in the taxi,” he said finally, his tone strange. “I’ll be right back. I want to check something.”

“Check what?” I called after him as he slipped away. “Edward?”

He didn’t stop to explain, but I could see from the set of his shoulders that whatever it was, it concerned him more than he wanted to let me know. The rain fell upon me, soaking my hair and clothes. I grit my teeth and turned toward the taxi, frustrated with Edward’s habit of keeping me in the dark. I would have to talk to him about that when we got to the hotel.

Still keeping my eyes averted from the headlights, I jogged toward the taxi with what I hoped was human speed. I slipped into the backseat breathlessly, shaking raindrops from my hair as I looked up to smile at the driver. “My husband will just be a--”

My words faltered, mid-sentence.

I smelled him before I saw him, but by then it was too late. The vehicle was already moving, accelerating into motion before I could even gasp.

“Really...” lamented Mikhail, turning around to face me from the driver’s seat. “Is he always that easy to distract? You two are making this far too easy for me. Hardly any sport in it at all.”

***

To be continued

A/N – If you have a moment, please let me know what you thought. I’m usually not this needy for encouragement, but I’m a little rusty, I’m afraid! Hope you enjoyed. The next part will be out soon.

By the way, if you’re confused about the plane ride I refer to at the beginning of this chapter – the one Edward and Bella took to their honeymoon – you can find the scene in the prequel Spiral Static. Chapter four, I think. Just a warning, though. It’s naughty.

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Seven

2008-08-12T20:02:02Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four & Five
Chapter Six

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Chapter Seven

I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

So I reread it, and my mouth fell open, aghast. Turning a heated glare on my husband, I closed the journal and lobbed it directly at his head.

Edward ducked at the last second, his vampire speed serving him well. The car swerved just a slight fraction on the highway as he turned astonished eyes upon me. “What was that for?” he demanded.

“Don’t act all innocent,” I seethed through clenched teeth. “You know what you did. Jerk.”

He raked his fingers through his disheveled hair, every bit the nervous wreck that he appeared to be. “Enlighten me, please. I think you dented the door paneling.”

“You broke up with me,” I all but shouted, pointing in the direction of the journal. “In the forest. And you just left me there to wallow!”

“Oh,” he said, his voice suddenly understanding. His hands relaxed on the steering wheel, though he still managed to hold onto his ever present at-the-end-of-his-rope demeanor. “We get back together, you know.”

“Obviously. You’re my husband, aren’t you?”

“Sorry,” was his quiet reply.

I stared at him, eyes narrowing into thin slivers as I scrutinized his face. He did sound apologetic. Heartsick, even. Well, just so long as he felt bad about it and didn’t plan on defending his actions, I wouldn’t throw anything else at his head.

“Give me my journal back,” I said, holding my hand out. Then, thinking perhaps I was a bit too demanding, I added a reluctant, “Please.”

He rolled his eyes and dug between the door of the car and his seat to retrieve the journal. It was a mess, dented in the middle with several pages dislodged from the binding. I carefully went about making it right. It was the last of the three handwritten journals. I knew the story continued from there on a laptop that was sitting in the backseat. That was a good thing. The handwriting in the journals was starting to become illegible. Whether that was due to Bella’s hand cramping from writing so much in such a short period of time or because it was an emotional subject for her, I couldn’t say. I suspected it was a bit of both.

“I really am, Bella,” said Edward in that same quiet voice.

“What?” I asked, smoothing the journal out with assiduous care, inwardly chiding myself for throwing it in the first place.

“Sorry,” he clarified. “I’ve never intentionally hurt you – even when I lied to you that day and said I didn’t love you, it was only meant to cause you less pain in the future. A quick, sharp pain to prevent more permanent damage. I sometimes get a bit crazy when it comes to you. I do things without thinking the consequences through. I think I’m being selfless, when really there’s a lot more hurt going on than I realize.”

“So I’ve heard.”

Edward glanced over at me, questions in his eyes.

“Alice told me,” I explained. “Back at the house. She said everyone’s been very worried about you since I was turned. They didn’t know what you were going to do. And Esme said something similar to me.”

“My family worries too much. It’s good we’ve left them behind for now.”

“Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on?”

“I really wish you would just finish the journals, Bella. It’s too much information to just take in all at once. We’ve got a long flight to Italy ahead of us as soon as we get to Seattle. You’ll have plenty of time to read.”

“I still don’t understand why we have to get to Italy.”

“You will. Just read.”

“Can you tell me the gist of it? I think that’s fair, especially considering what happened back at the house. Who was that strange vampire in your room?”

Edward sighed and again raked his fingers through his hair – I could see that was a nervous habit of his. “Carlisle thinks he’s the head of a secret mercenary group of vampires out of Old Prussia,” he told me with obvious reluctance. “Though where they’re centered now, no one knows. We don’t know for certain if he’s the leader of that group.” Edward glanced over at me, his face sober and fraught with worry. “He might actually be the sole member of it. Acting alone under the guise of greater numbers, taking on followers only when he finds use for the added muscle. I’m not sure which is worse.”

“He said something to me in the bedroom,” I said.

Edward’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, and the plastic moaned in protest.

“He said that he and I are old friends,” I continued. “What did he mean by that?”

“We were on our honeymoon in Europe,” said Edward in a very even tone. “I believe he was tailing us most of that time. He confronted us in Paris with a group of vampires who are now dead. You’ve only met him once before.”

I watched his drawn face carefully. He hadn’t really answered my question but had skirted around the issue. “You’re hiding things from me again.”

“Yes.”

“Well, stop it.”

“I don’t want to frighten you.”

“I think I need to be frightened a little. I could have fought him off or even killed him if I had known he was an enemy.”

“You might be strong, Bella, but you haven’t been trained in combat. I would rather you just run the other way.”

“Just tell me ... why is he after us?”

Again, Edward’s words came slowly, as if he was editing and revising as he went, giving me a watered down version of events. “There are people in the world that had an interest in you becoming a vampire. A very keen interest – a potentially violent interest. You knew of the existence of vampires before you became one, and that’s forbidden for humans. That vampire was hired by a group called the Volturi to ensure that you become one of us. He gave us an ultimatum, which we disregarded.” Here Edward looked at me, his eyes fierce. “You made the decision to become a vampire, Bella. No one forced you. My family and I made sure of that.”

“But if I’m already a vampire, then what’s the problem? Why is he still after us?”

Edward shook his head unhappily. “There are people in the world, Bella – especially vampires that have become bored with this life – who turn to games to amuse themselves. This vampire is one of them. He’s playing with us because he thinks he can. It’s a game to him.”

“Does he have a name?”

“I doubt if it’s his real one, but Carlisle tells me he’s called Mikhail. Sometimes he’s referred to as the Großmeister. That’s German for Grandmaster – a reference to chess. But again, we don’t know for certain if it’s him. Let’s ... let’s just hope it isn’t, all right?” He sounded as though he wanted to be wrong about Mikhail’s identity, as if the possibility frightened him. He didn’t explain his reasoning to me.

I didn’t speak for a long moment. “Do you know other chess terms?” I asked hesitantly.

“Quite a few. Why?”

“What does en prise mean?”

Edward turned his head slowly in my direction. “Why? ” he repeated, his voice taking on a dangerous quality.

“He ... Mikhail said it last night. He told me to look it up and pass it onto you.”

Edward flinched visibly – his eyelashes fluttering shut for just a second before he forced an unreadable mask on his face, probably for my benefit. That frightened me more than any talk of Grandmasters.

“What does it mean, Edward?” I pressed, growing upset.

He didn’t answer me and instead shifted the gears of the car, pushing it faster along the wet stretch of highway.

A sign flew past us on the right-hand side at well over one hundred miles an hour: Seattle 74 miles. And getting closer by the second.

***

At the Seattle airport, Edward managed to get us last minute tickets to Florence, but the flight wasn’t scheduled to leave until the next morning. He didn’t seem very pleased about that; I felt a little sorry for the young airport employee behind the counter, who was obviously trying to figure out if she was attracted to or terrified of Edward.

He checked us into a hotel adjacent to the airport. It was a simple but comfortable room – just somewhere to pass the time with a little privacy, since neither of us required rest. He drew the curtains closed and began making calls to his family on his cell phone, explaining where we were and what flight we would be on.

I was left standing there, staring at the king-sized bed between us. It was the metaphorical equivalent of a giant elephant in the room, impossible to ignore the implications that came with it.

Thank God vampires didn’t require sleep. I didn’t know how I felt about lying my body down next to Edward’s. The idea wasn’t unpleasant by any means. Quite the opposite, really. But it still frightened me – the same way a first kiss might frighten someone who didn’t know what to expect. Though I had obviously kissed Edward before and done other things that husbands and wives were known to do, I couldn’t remember any of it. I was mentally still a virgin. His cautious embraces of the past day or so were all I knew of physical affection, and the gray area of the unknown was intimidating.

It wasn’t until I set down my bag that I realized there was nowhere else to sit besides the bed. Damn it. Edward was pacing by the window, spilling out words of frustration to Carlisle. They were talking about Italy again; something about a vampire named Aro. Neither sounded pleased.

I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I had wanted to work a little more on manipulating my mental shield – to see if I could access whatever was blocking my memories from returning to me – but Edward’s conversation was distracting. I knew I would never manage it if it wasn’t dead quiet. I had tried to work on it a bit in the car, but found it nearly impossible, what with the constant shifting of passing headlights and the beating of the windshield wipers against the rain. The concentration required to even try was exhausting. How had Mikhail torn down that mental wall with such ease? It was unbelievably frustrating.

Before we had even left for Seattle, I had explained what had happened to Edward. I gave him the details of my brief and fleeting flood of memories cautiously, fearful of his reaction – or rather his overreaction. He took it better than I anticipated.

“At least we know now why you can’t remember,” he had said thoughtfully. “And we can work to help you control it. Bella, this is very good news.”

I hadn’t been so sure. “But when he broke down my shield, there were all these base instincts ready to slip out. I wanted to kill something. I couldn’t think of anything else other than blood.”

I remembered Edward shrugging a little, indifferent or perhaps just resigned. “I already expected all of that when you turned. I’ll take it as an exchange if we can get your memories back. It will fade with time, and you’ll be just like the rest of us when it does.”

His words had made me angry. I didn’t want to become some sort of mindless monster, even briefly. There had to be a way to manipulate the shield, to let my memories flow through and keep the bloodlust under control at the same time.

But I would have to work on that at another time. Even thinking about it wore me out, like I was standing at the foot of Mount Everest without ever having climbed anything before.

There was only one thing to do while we waited to leave for the airport. I sighed and pulled out the laptop Edward had given me – the one with the continuation of Bella’s journals. I eyed Edward warily and sat down on the far side of the bed, stretching my legs out with the computer resting in my lap. I opened the lid and stared at the array of buttons for a long time. Edward was watching me out of the corner of his eye. He took pity on me and came to my side, pointing to a silver button at the top of the keyboard. I pressed it and smiled when the screen lit up.

The mechanics of using a computer came back to me with surprising ease, like remembering how to ride a bike when I didn’t even know I knew how to ride a bike. Bella’s journals were much easier to read in typed format. Her thoughts, while still burdened with obvious emotion, were clearer and better placed on the page now that her handwriting wasn’t a factor. I quickly became engrossed, not even noticing when Edward’s phone conversation ended. I did notice, however, when he came and lay down on the other end of the bed. He crossed his legs at the ankles and heaved a frustrated sigh, letting his eyes drift closed.

“Tired?” I asked, searching for conversation to battle the awkwardness I felt in his presence.

“No,” he muttered. “Just thinking. Don’t mind me.”

I stared at him for a minute or two before I returned to reading – bolder in my gaze than I normally would have been because he couldn’t see me looking at him. His arm was cast over his eyes, his long, tapered fingers curled naturally. His lips moved like he was rehearsing a conversation or trying to work out something in his head. My gaze focused on his lower lip, which was moist and almost swollen from biting it in nervousness. I had to fight the sudden urge to press my own lips against his to soothe them.

I felt like I should have been blushing at the very thought – that my body should have been engulfed in a fever the way Bella’s often was when she was faced with Edward’s natural sensuousness – but I suppose my new body wasn’t capable of that warm pooling of blood anymore. Still, I’m sure my face held an expression of stunned panic. The absolute power he held over my body without even trying was almost embarrassing.

I turned my attention back to the laptop before he could notice my stare and forced myself to read. The words came into focus eventually, and I was transported to another world. What I read that happened in Bella’s life – in my own life – during those months away from Edward disturbed me. Saddened me. I would like to say I wouldn’t have fallen into such a state of despair and depression if faced with the same situation – if Edward left me now as he had left her then. But really, he was all I knew. He was my cornerstone, my only friend. I didn’t know how I would react. I would like to say that I would be stronger than she was. Perhaps I would be, but then again, perhaps it would be worse. I hoped I would never have to find out.

Hours ticked by, and I all but forgot where I was as I read. Though I learned about new friends and about my father, who I had no memory of but already felt affection for, my eyes still sped across the screen in a panic until Edward was again part of the story. Then I was able to relax and read slower – taking particular care with that section because it contained names and places that I had heard in recent conversation. Italy, the Volturi, Aro.

What was happening now started to make a little more sense. And suddenly, I was filled with terror over the journey we were about to take. Surely it would be different now that I wasn’t human, but Bella remembered it all with such chilling detail, I couldn’t help but worry.

“What’s wrong?” asked Edward in a quiet voice.

I glanced over at him, surprised when he spoke. I’d forgotten for a little while that I wasn’t alone. He was lying on his side, staring at me, his eyes lined with deep purple shadows. He looked troubled, tired ... and absolutely beautiful. His hair was a mess, sticking up every which way except the way it was meant to, giving him a boyish look that was warm and alluring. The sudden desire to stretch my body out next to his washed over me.

“How long have you been staring at me?” I asked.

He shrugged a shoulder, pressing the hand that wasn’t supporting his head flat to the mattress – almost like an invitation. “A while,” was his simple reply. “My punishment, I suppose.”

“What do you mean?”

“You just read about our separation, didn’t you?” He paused, and I nodded in response to his question. “Your face,” he explained. “You looked so sad as you were reading. Like your heart had been ripped out. Watching it was my punishment.”

“Self-flagellation a hobby of yours or something?”

He smiled sadly, his eyes melting into something liquid and culpable. “You have a lot to forgive me for.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and said nothing in reply. I wasn’t going to encourage him to beat himself up even more, and nothing I could say would make him truly feel better. Best to just let it lie and hope the subject would shift to other topics.

“Are you all right?” he asked. “You don’t look sad anymore. You almost look frightened now.”

“Well ... I know now why we’re going to Italy. I guess I am a little frightened.”

“Don’t worry. Carlisle has already sent word. They’re expecting us. You’ll find they’re sugary-sweet to your face – but they’re spiders, the whole lot of them. They won’t harm you, but don’t let your guard down. And whatever you do, don’t give them any indication that you want to join them. Just refuse politely. If they persist, keep refusing until you’re blue in the face. Figuratively speaking, of course. They’ll back down.”

I nodded, the breath leaving my chest raggedly as I exhaled. “Do you think going there will do any good? This Mikhail... will he leave us alone?”

“I wish I knew. Try not to think about it.”

“How long until we leave for the airport?”

“Just another hour. When the sun comes up behind the clouds. You’ll feel it before you see it.”

My eyes widened. Had we really been in the room for so long? I had deeply lost myself in the story. I tried to start reading again – but now that I was aware of his eyes on me, I could barely concentrate. It wasn’t a creepy sort of stare. It was patient and kind with no hint of judgment. It was the sort of look you give someone when you know and trust them to the root of your being – when the mere sight of them comforted you, when there was nothing to hide behind the mirror of your eyes, so you laid it all out for the other to see.

And that was why I couldn’t meet his gaze in kind. I didn’t know him the way he knew me. I didn’t love him the way he loved me.

Though I was certainly starting to.

Time would remedy that. I had little doubt. I no longer was in possession of the memories Mikhail had given me a brief glimpse of, but I remember understanding just how much Bella truly loved Edward. I already knew our story from the journals. The details – the personal claim to that story that made it reality instead of just words on a page – that was what was lost when Mikhail let my shield fall back into place.

The next part of the journal was almost painful to read – not because it was unpleasant – but because it held the particulars of Bella’s reunion with Edward. The way they kissed and held each other, the details of his sweet ministrations, both physical and verbal ... it made me want to hide from the intensity of Edward’s gaze.

Of all the moments for him to be watching my face...

I felt a warmth spread through me with each word I read – so unlike the cruel burning that had gripped me during my change into a vampire. This warmth was lulling, sexual, petrifying.

I made the mistake of looking at him, and my stomach promptly twisted into knots. His gaze had deepened immeasurably as he watched my face, and once he caught me in that web, I couldn’t look away. Nervousness panged in my chest in place of a missing heartbeat.

He moved for the first time in hours, edging over in the bed toward me, lessening the distance between our bodies. He took the laptop from my numb fingers and leaned over me as he set it on the nightstand beside the bed. His arm brushed against mine as he did so, and my breath caught in my throat.

He coaxed me down onto the pillow using only the force of his eyes, like he had me in some sort of thrall. Then he laid his head down next to mine, on the same pillow, with his hand pressed down in the space between us. He let me grow comfortable before he began stroking my hair, smoothing it away from my face with the palm of his hand. The warmth in my body continued to spread as though his touch had brought me to life again. Our bodies were still separated by a small distance, but he was so close, I could somehow still feel him.

“I want to kiss you,” he whispered, his breath mingling with my own. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

But he didn’t move to kiss me, and that was just cruel. I suppose he was waiting for me to react to his comment, to perhaps give him permission, but I wasn’t sure how to. To leave me floundering there under his thrall, when I had no experience with these sort of things ... well, it wasn’t very nice at all.

Perhaps he read the panic on my face because he smiled crookedly at me and slipped his arm under my neck, pushing himself up on his elbow so that he had my head nestled carefully in the crook on his arm. I shivered as our bodies came into contact and wondered if there would ever come a time when the feel of his skin didn’t affect me so deeply. I hoped not. It was intoxicating.

He began to stroke my face with the tips of his fingers, flitting carefully over my lower lip then down my chin and throat until he pressed his hand flat over my collarbone – just above my breasts, where my heart used to beat. I half expected it to start right up again.

“May I?” he finally whispered, his lips parted, soft and supple.

I didn’t trust myself to respond with words, so I angled my head up toward him, hoping he would catch my meaning. He did, but he smiled down at me before he did anything about it, pleased by my shy willingness.

Then he closed the small distance between our lips and kissed me full on the mouth, touching me lightly with his tongue before closing his lips against mine. The first kiss I had ever known.

Kissing Edward wasn’t anything like Bella had described it. I don’t know if it could be put into words, though bless her, she did try. No words could completely convey how special and perfect that simple physical exchange was. It was like we were having a conversation, whispering things to each other that no one else could possibly understand. Not one long kiss, but a never-ending series of gentle, brief kisses – growing deeper and hotter with every passing second. Our tentative connection solidified, as if we had somehow become one person in our minds, just by touching.

His lips weren’t hard and unyielding as Bella had described them. They were achingly soft against my own, surprisingly warm instead of ice cold. He worked his mouth against mine with increasing urgency – long kisses now – his lips parting again, his tongue tracing the contours of my lips. I parted my lips in kind and let his tongue slide into my mouth. The kiss deepened into something impossibly more sensuous.

I gripped his shirt, and he complied at once, moving his body over mine until his narrow hips were nestled between my thighs. He broke off the kiss, and his lips immediately found a sensitive place on my neck. Too sensitive. Like it was somehow connected to every nerve ending in my body, especially the ones that ended at the base of my thighs. I writhed beneath him in pleasure as he nipped and suckled me there carefully, focusing all his attention in that one delicious spot. I wondered if that had been the place where he had bitten me when he changed me into a vampire and fully claimed me as his own.

It felt too good to take more than a little stimulation there in a single session. Unable to stand that focused concentration, I gripped him by his hair and brought him back to my mouth. The mood had shifted into something more critical, more primal, from the second his lips at touched that spot on my neck. I knew he felt it just as much as I did.

His hands slid down my body as we kissed, grazing with intent across my breasts, slipping under the fabric of my shirt so that he could claim the bare skin of my waist between his hands. But when he began to move his hips, grinding his hardness into me ... that’s when I started to panic.

He sensed it immediately and stopped, lifting his head to stare down at me. His lips were red and swollen, his hair even more of a mess than it had be before. He looked guilty, like he had done something wrong. I touched his face to reassure him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Too much?” He said it like it was a question, but it wasn’t one. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and apologized again and again. “I lost myself there for a moment.”

I could relate. I pushed lightly against his chest, and he lifted off of me immediately. I got up from the bed, not looking at him. I smoothed my clothes back in place and tried to collect myself without much success. My lips were throbbing, my skin tingling like I had been electrocuted and had liked it.

All in all, I was a bit shell-shocked. But I had to stop. I had to walk away. I just had to.

“Sometimes I forget this is all so new to you,” he continued, babbling now in his apprehension. “Please don’t be angry.”

“I’m not angry,” I said, finally finding my voice. “I just ... can’t. It’s not right.”

He looked at me for a moment before answering. “What do you mean, it’s not right? You’re my wife, Bella. If you’re not ready to cross the line into sex, that’s one matter entirely. I would never pressure you. But if there’s another reason...”

“I can’t just sleep with you, Edward. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s not fair. You’re right there in front of me, all pretty and willing … but it’s not me you want.”

His gaze darkened. “Bella, we’ve talked about this.”

“Look,” I said, trying again. He really didn’t understand. “I know now that I really am Bella. Whatever that Mikhail guy did to me – I was able to see the truth for a second, and even though I don’t remember what I saw, I know it’s there somewhere inside of me. She’s there.”

“She’s right in front of me,” said Edward evenly.

“Maybe. But not all of her. Edward, you deserve to have all of her. It should be your wife that you’re making love to. Not just some willing participant. I can’t do that to you or to her.”

He was unearthly still as he stared at me, his jaw ticking in disapproval. “I’m not going to force anything on you, Bella. If you want to abstain until you get your memories back, that’s fine. I just wish you would reconsider the specifics of your argument. Because you’re dead wrong. You are my wife. You’re Bella, so stop referring to yourself in the third person. Now get back over here and lie down.”

My eyes flew to his face, wide and a little surprised at his commanding tone. He seemed almost angry with me.

“I just want to hold you,” he explained when I didn’t budge an inch. His tone was gentler, but his eyes were still bright and fierce upon my face. “Come here, Bella.”

I wasn’t made of stone. I went to him, though I was uncertain as I padded back across the carpet toward him. He caught my wrist and pulled me back onto the bed beside him, hiding me in the shelter of his arms. Once I felt the tender pressure of his hands on me, I settled against him willingly, letting my body relax. “I really am trying,” I whispered, burying my face in his neck. “I didn’t mean to make you angry.”

“I didn’t mean to get angry,” he said, his tone apologetic. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to reassure you, but I’m afraid I’m doing a rather clumsy job of it. But please, Bella. No more of this third person nonsense. No more referring to Bella as if she’s someone else. Unless you really believe you’re her, you’re never going to be able to access those memories. You’re never going to be able to figure out exactly why they locked themselves away behind your shield in the first place. Will you try for me? Just try to believe.”

I sighed against his throat, letting my eyes drift shut. “I don’t even know where to start.”

His hands caressed the back of my head, his fingers tangling in my curls, and he pulled me away from his neck so that he could look me in the eyes. “Start here with me. Believe what I’m telling you. Believe that I love you and know you. Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” I said without hesitation.

The corner of his mouth tugged upwards into a teasing smile. “Then what’s the problem?”

He kissed me again, his lips just a whisper against my own, then let his eyes flutter open to gaze back at me again.

“I don’t remember anymore,” I admitted, aching to have his mouth against mine again.

I didn’t have to wait long. I’m not certain who moved first, but our lips met somewhere in the middle – quieter and gentler than the first time, a patient understanding cocooning us, all expectations cast aside. We stayed like that, hopelessly tangled up in one another, until the sun rose behind the clouds outside.

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: Sorry about the lack of plot-driven action in this chapter. I felt it was high time for a little action of another kind. And just so everyone’s on the same page – no, they didn’t have sex at the very end. Just more kissing. (Nyah, cockblock’d lulz! But hey, I let the boy cop a feel, so don’t be hatin.) ;) Hope you enjoyed.

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Six

2008-08-11T01:43:16Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four & Five

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Author’s Note: Sorry about the delay in posting this chapter. I needed some time to fully digest Breaking Dawn. The book will not be affecting this story. Hope you enjoy.

***

Previously...

Alice shook her head, seeming slightly frustrated. “It’s been bothering me ... the last few days,” she continued. “It’s like I can’t see the way I should be able to see. Sometimes it’s there, and sometimes it just isn’t. It’s as though something is blocking me. It reminds me of when you and Edward were in Paris on your honeymoon, and that vampire...” She trailed off, her eyes growing wide in panic as something occurred to her. “Oh, damn.”

Edward and Alice both stopped walking at the exact same time, bringing the three of us to an abrupt halt. I looked up into their faces in confusion, but they didn’t offer me any kind of explanation.

Edward was staring at Alice, horror alight on his face. “What did you just say?”

“Edward...” Alice said slowly, her eyes going a bit unfocused as if she was seeing something play out in her mind. “I can’t say for certain ... but I think we need to get Bella out of Forks. Right now.”

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Chapter Six

They all marched me back to the Cullen residence like I was a child that had done something wrong. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Their mood had shifted so suddenly that I felt dizzy from it. Edward kept his hand gripped around the crook of my elbow. It was almost painful, though I don’t think he meant to hurt me. My own vampire strength helped me withstand his.

Edward’s body was rigid, like he had been set on fire inside. He sniffed the air continuously, searching for something, and he grew even angrier when it eluded him. At one point, he drew me close and brushed his lips against my temple, as if to comfort himself and reassure me at the same time. That was how I knew I wasn’t in trouble.

Still, I worried. They fussed over me as we advanced toward the house – all five of them, hovering almost as closely as they had when I’d first encountered them in the forest, a newborn vampire with no memories.

“Do you smell anything?” asked Emmett. “Hear anything?”

Edward’s fingers tightened on my arm like a vice. “Nothing.”

The others shook their heads and murmured similar negative responses. I couldn’t smell anything unusual either – only the increasingly familiar scents of my new family – and I couldn’t tell from the looks on their faces if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Edward, I could be completely wrong about this,” Alice said in a comforting tone, though her face was marred with concern. “It’s just a feeling. I haven’t seen anything, so I don’t know for certain. Let’s not overreact.”

Jasper snorted under his breath. “Because Edward never overreacts...”

“I don’t care,” Edward said in reply to Alice, ignoring his brother’s quip. “I’m not taking any chances.”

We reached the house as a single entity, all crowded together like a small army with me in the middle. Carlisle hovered in the doorway, waiting to greet us. It was obvious from the look on his face that he knew something was wrong. “What happened?” he pressed when we were in earshot. “Did Bella...?”

“It’s not Bella,” Edward growled as he marched me forward, right past Carlisle and up the stairs.

The others began speaking to their father in hushed voices, explaining things I would have loved to be privy to, but every step took me farther away from them – too far away for me to catch what they were saying. I suppose that was Edward’s plan. I stared up at him with questions burning in my eyes.

“What’s happening?” I asked as he led me into his room. “One second, we were all in the forest, just talking with Alice – and the next, we’re rushing back to the house. I don’t understand.”

He didn’t respond at first, as if he was weighing exactly what to say to me. His fingers softened on my arm as his urgency dissipated into something gentler. He brought me over to the bed and sat me down. Though he stayed standing, he pressed his hands into the mattress on both sides of me, leaned down, and rested his forehead against mine. That simple action seemed to have a calming effect on his nerves – and on mine as well. My shoulders relaxed, lowering back to their normal position.

“Like Alice said earlier, we don’t know if anything is happening,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to frighten you without cause, so try to be patient with me for a little while I figure out what’s going on. Just trust me, all right?”

I didn’t answer, but I hoped that he ascertained from the look on my face that I wasn’t pleased. If he noticed, he didn’t acknowledge it, and that only served to deepen my displeasure. He just left a kiss on my forehead and whispered, “I’ll be back soon.”

He closed the door behind him when he left, oblivious to my silent fuming, and his voice soon joined the others downstairs. The Cullens were having another family meeting – and this time, I wasn’t invited.

I rose from the bed and pressed my ear to the door, knowing they’d hear if I tried to open it. They must have anticipated my attempt at eavesdropping because they spoke in voices so quiet, even my keen ears had a difficult time making out what was being said. Something about Paris; a battle. After a few moments of discussion, Carlisle’s tired voice rose above the others and issued an order. The front door opened, and Emmett and Rosalie took off, flying like wraiths across the lawn and into the forest. I couldn’t begin to guess the reason for their sudden departure.

The rest of them shifted out onto the porch to talk, and I immediately perked up and tiptoed to the window. I could hear what they were saying through the thin glass.

“I’ll send word to Aro immediately,” said Carlisle. “Perhaps this is all a misunderstanding. Perhaps the Volturi don’t realize you’ve already changed her over.”

Aro. The Volturi. Nothing made sense to me.

“A misunderstanding?” echoed Edward. He sounded furious, and if I hadn’t already witnessed the kindness he was capable of, the depth of his anger might have frightened me. “Doubtful. The little weasel let me read his thoughts when they cornered us in Paris. He doesn’t care one way or another if Bella is turned. He never did. He was interested in her, in playing a game. Fixated like James – only worse.”

“I thought the Volturi hired him?” asked Jasper. “Isn’t that what he told you? To make sure Bella was turned.”

“I’m sure they did,” replied Edward. “He took it a step further than that, I’m afraid.”

“And let’s not forget that we wiped out his companions,” added Alice. “He might be looking for a little revenge. Wouldn’t you?”

“Hmmm,” said Carlisle, his voice muted as if he had a thoughtful finger pressed to his lips. “Edward, you might need to take Bella to Italy. If I know our friends...” He said the word friends rather derisively. “...they’ll want reassurance in person. Though whether or not it will make a difference in terms of this other fellow, I can’t say.”

“Trust me,” said Edward darkly. “It won’t. But I’ll take her regardless. Maybe the Volturi will help to draw him out of his hiding place or track him down.” He didn’t sound particularly optimistic as he said it.

“Are you going to tell Bella?” asked Esme. “The poor girl looked so confused when you brought her upstairs. Edward, was that really necessary?”

“Can’t you see that she’s frightened enough already?”

Before anyone could respond, there were quiet but rapid footsteps on the lawn – the sound of vampires running. I peered into the distance and caught sight of Emmett and Rosalie flying back toward the house, their skin glowing subtly in the moonlight. They joined the others on the porch.

“There’s a strange scent in the woods,” said Emmett. “It’s in the air only. If it’s his scent, he’s good. He didn’t even brush up against single branch. Edward, you need to come quickly before it dissipates. You’re the only one here that will recognize it as his scent.”

“All of you should come,” said Rosalie. “In case we need to track him together.”

“I’m not leaving Bella here alone,” said Edward.

“I’ll stay with her,” said Esme’s calming voice. “Don’t worry, Edward. She’s a newborn. I know you’re used to protecting her, but she can take care of herself now. Just as well as the rest of us, if not better.”

“Yeah,” muttered Jasper. “She could probably rip his head off with a flick of her pinky. Give the girl a little credit.”

“It’s decided then,” said Carlisle. “Esme will stay with Bella – and you’ll need to keep an eye out around the house, darling. I have a feeling he’s already been here. The rest of us will go with Edward to see if the scent matches. Then we’ll fan out and try to track him down. I will not have this family in jeopardy from some rogue hunter. There’s one of him and a legion of us. He’s chosen his battle most unwisely.”

Murmurs of agreement. Edward’s voice carried above them all. “Just remember,” he said, his voice deadly with intent. “If we come across him – he’s mine.”

***

When they had all gone, Esme left me to myself, humming something soft and melodic under her breath as she flitted from room to room downstairs, gazing out of the windows into the woods. I paced for ten minutes before I couldn’t stand it anymore.

She was wearing a knowing look on her face when I came down the stairs, and it made me think she’d been expecting me to descend sooner. “The others will be back soon, Bella. We should stay close to the house in the meantime. Are you hungry?”

I shook my head, though it was somewhat of a lie. Physically, I was finding that I was always starving, especially since I hadn’t joined in with the hunting. Mentally, I didn’t want the distraction. “Will you tell me what’s going on?” I asked instead.

Her serene smile deepened, and the dim light in the room cast her face into warm shadows that made her even lovelier. “You heard us talking on the porch, didn’t you?”

I nodded anxiously. No use in hiding it. “But I didn’t understand a word of it. Am I in some sort of trouble? Edward seemed so angry.”

“No, nothing like that, dear. Edward...” She paused and sighed, her expression turning wistful. “Edward is painfully predictable once you figure him out. You’ll learn to interpret all he does soon enough and understand where his anger is really focused. Ten times out of ten, he’s only acting out of love for you or his family. But Bella, sometimes he doesn’t always make the right decisions. He can be rather hasty.”

“What do you mean?”

“He tries to protect you a little too much, I think. Withholding information from you, for instance. You’ll find that’s a trend with our Edward,” she said, winking at me. “I suppose when you hear everyone’s thoughts, you learn to keep secrets. But don’t worry. I’ll talk to him about it when he gets back. He’s just trying not to overwhelm you with information while you’re still so unsettled in your own skin. Especially since we don’t know for certain if anything is truly wrong.”

She reached out her beautifully tapered fingers to smooth a strand of hair from my face. “How are you doing, Bella? I know ... that you weren’t telling Edward the truth earlier. I know that you don’t remember anything. It’s all right, dear. I’m not here to judge you. Just ... is there anything that I can do for you? Any way to make this easier?”

I looked away, feeling just as shamed by her loving gaze as I did by Edward’s. “About that ... Edward and I had a talk. He knows the truth. I guess he knew the second I opened my mouth.”

“That’s good to hear. I’m glad. And I know just why he was comforted in that moment when you lied to spare him pain. With every passing moment, Bella, we’re all seeing a bit of you come back to us. Your compassion was always at the forefront of your personality. So let that be a comfort to you. But you didn’t answer my other questions. What can I do for you to make this easier?”

The corner of my mouth pulled upward. “You’re doing a pretty good job already.”

She laughed and made a move to embrace me – but we both stopped dead and fell into instant silence.

Outside, the low branches of one of the oak trees had moved, the leaves rustling quietly, as if a body had brushed up against them. Both of our heads turned toward the window in unison, watchful and alert. Something – or someone – was in the woods nearby.

After a moment of careful listening, Esme relaxed a fraction. She tried to put her smile back in place to soothe my discomfort, but it fell short of reaching her eyes. “I should go see what that was,” she said, her voice wavering so slightly that I almost didn’t notice. “Can you stay in the house for me? Don’t worry. It was probably just an animal. Or maybe one of the others on their way back.”

I matched her feigned smile with one of my own. It was difficult to feel secure when no one was willing to tell me what was wrong. “Sure. I’ll just go upstairs and read.”

My body was as rigid as stone as I turned away from her. I was angry as I ascended the stairs back toward Edward’s room, but I bit my tongue, feeling childish. It wasn’t Esme I was mad at; really, who could be angry with her? No, I was just frustrated. But there were obviously things I wasn’t equipped to understand at the moment – things that hopefully were well in hand.

I clenched my jaw and straightened my back, trying to replace the frustration with determination. There was only one way to fix this. I had to finish those journals I’d written myself. I had barely dented them and already they had revealed so much to me. If Edward thought I wasn’t ready for certain details told from his own lips, the answers I needed would surely be disclosed there. And maybe the memories would really start coming back to me the further I read.

Edward’s scent clung to his bedroom like an old friend, and I was pleased to find my own scent intermingled with his. I sat down on the edge of the bed, smiling as I inhaled, letting it calm me. My eyes drifted shut, and I listened to the sounds of nighttime outside. Esme was so quiet when she slipped from the house, the only way I knew that she was truly gone was because of the absence of her humming downstairs.

A sudden shifting of the wind rustled the branches outside. A squirrel or something small leapt from one branch to the other, frightened by the stirring of the breeze. The sound comforted me. Surely it had been an animal that Esme and I had heard earlier. Nothing to be concerned with.

My ears heard the high whistle of the wind seeping through the cracks of the window, stirring up the air in the room. My nose wrinkled as I caught the edge of something unfamiliar, and my eyes flew open, instantly sober.

And there he stood.

Right in front of me, leaning against the bedroom wall with a smug smile on his angelic face.

It was the strange vampire I’d seen watching me earlier that evening from outside.

He had skills; I had to give him that much. How long had I been in the room with him without even noticing? Had he been standing there the entire time? Had he slipped in while my eyes were closed? I had no idea. But I had the strangest feeling that he had made that sound in the woods just to draw Esme away from the house.

His eyes glinted in my direction invitingly. “Well,” he purred. “Aren’t you something to behold?”

I stared, fixated. I wasn’t afraid, though I probably should have been. But I felt strong, sure of myself. Whoever this was, if he took one unsolicited step toward me, I was going to rip that smug head right off of his smug shoulders.

And that would be a shame, indeed. He was beautiful. Elegant in an all black three-piece suit, minus the jacket. Small in stature, but with a demanding presence that I found instantly intriguing. His flawless skin, unearthly pale, stood out in stark contrast from his short, black hair, which gave him a youthful, deviant air. His eyes glowed a dim amber, lighter gold around the center. He was like the Cullens, then. Not a killer of humans – or at least, not a drinker of human blood. Perhaps he wasn’t an enemy at all.

He pushed away from the wall but still hovered on the far side of the room. “I mean, I could see the potentiality the moment I first laid eyes on you,” he continued. His voice was lightly accented, but I couldn’t place the region. “So much fire and sweetness wrapped up in that tight little frame. But really. I had no idea. I admit I didn’t expect him to actually turn you. In fact, I rather counted on having to do it myself. How disappointing.”

“Who are you?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. He could only be referring to Edward, and if his sudden appearance hadn’t made me angry – that particular subject just might.

“Mmmm. Playing naïve, are we? How precious.”

“I’m not. Who are you?”

He tilted his head to the side, scrutinizing my face for a moment. “Interesting,” he said after a moment. “I would have thought you would have overcome the disorientation of the change by now. The memory loss is usually brief. Though I suppose it makes sense. Your mind – I can see how it ticks. Little wheels spinning, spinning away. It’s protecting itself, you see. That’s your power, isn’t it?”

“How do you know all of that?”

“We’re old friends, you and I. Though I suppose you don’t remember any of that either. A pity.” He laughed, eyes dancing as if he thought it was anything but a pity. “Oh, I’m so glad you have a power. That works out for the best for me as well, you see.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, I have a power, too, Sweet Isabella. You’re so very clever. I should like for you to guess what it is.”

“I don’t like guessing games.”

“Perhaps you’d like a demonstration, then?” His smile spread into a grin, and I saw that his incisors had been filed down into sharp points like fangs.

The room suddenly exploded into sound – though none of it was actually audible. It was as if my own brain was screaming at me, gnashing its teeth like something had been unleashed inside of me. I could almost see the sound waves shimmering in my vision as I was driven to my knees, overcome with an abrupt and undeniable thirst. My throat ignited into flames, burning like the pain that had seized me for days as I changed into a vampire. I felt as though an animal, ravenous and crazed, had possessed me. I writhed, needing sustenance. Needing blood.

I wasn’t in control of my newborn urges anymore.

Whatever the stranger had done to me with his power ... it had broken down my shield like it was made of wafer-thin glass.

Another thought blossomed in my mind, somewhere behind the red hot thirst that had floored me. Thoughts of Edward.

My Edward.

I wanted to sob, but the weight of a thousand memories flooding back to me kept me pinned to the ground, mute and helpless against the brunt of the mental onslaught. Every smile came back to me. Every exquisite kiss and gentle word that slipped from his lips. Every instant in his presence and every painful moment away from it...

I remembered. Everything!

But then, as suddenly as it started, it was over. My mental shield snapped back into position, and my control settled back in its place, though it wavered and quaked in my head like a flat piece of metal that had been struck by a mallet. I lay on the ground, gasping, wide-eyed with confusion.

I felt ... empty.

And couldn’t seem to remember why.

It came back to me eventually, sluggish and hazy like the lifting of a fog. I quickly grew frantic as I struggled to grasp onto something. I realized it was the shredded remains of my memories ... slipping away again! Lost!

I pushed myself upright, though I couldn’t find the strength to rise to my feet. My ears and brain were still ringing from the attack. Slowly I turned my gaze back upon that mockingly beatific face. “What ... just happened?” I breathed. “What did you do to me? Bring them back!”

“Bring what back?” he asked, bemused.

“My memories! You stole them!”

“I did nothing of the sort, sweet one. I only took away your own power for a moment. Now that I’ve seen what lies beneath, I must say that you have an extraordinary mind. To block all of that so effortlessly.” He paused and chuckled as something seemed to occur to him. “Oh, the irony! The same gift that helps you restrain yourself from killing the innocent also keeps you from remembering your lover. Whichever will you choose?”

I didn’t have a chance to reply ... or even get to my feet. Both of us tensed at the same time, listening to the sound of footfalls approaching the house, several pairs thundering on the ground. One was closer than the others, moving faster, leaving the others behind. The Cullens were returning, and it was obvious from their pace that they knew something was wrong.

The vampire seemed inexplicably pleased by this, as if he had planned it this way. “The middlegame is on,” he said. “That’s a chess reference, my dear. And here’s another one for you to look up: en prise. Perhaps you should share that particular phrase with your dear husband, though it won’t do him much good. Do give him my regards?”

He gave a polite little bow, his eyes never leaving my face. And then his gloved hand opened the window, and he slipped silently into the darkness. And when I say silently, I mean there was a complete absence of sound, like he’d turned the volume down in the room. If I hadn’t watched him do it, I wouldn’t have even noticed the departure. Nothing could be that quiet, but he managed it with ease. Another part of his gift perhaps? I shivered, though I was anything but cold. The sound of footsteps in the hallway was the only way I knew I hadn’t dreamt the entire scenario up.

Suddenly Edward was before me, his eyes blazing with fury and fear. He knelt and gripped my face between both of his hands. His nose flared when he caught my scent. “Did he hurt you?” he choked out.

I shook my head in mute reply, wide-eyed at the depth of his apprehension. It wasn’t the entire truth. To have my memories restored for one shining moment, then to have them stolen away again – oh, he’d hurt me quite badly. But now wasn’t the right time to explain all that.

“Where?”

I pointed toward the open window. I expected Edward to bolt again and take off in chase of the strange vampire, but he just whipped around and called to his family, who were just now at the porch, slower than Edward. I heard Carlisle’s voice give a sharp order. They had the scent now, and they all took off, circling the house, spreading out into the woods.

Edward gathered me close. “Stupid!” he growled, and I knew he wasn’t referring to me but rather himself. “I should never have left you! I’m so sorry.”

Before I could even formulate a reply, he had my face between his hands again. The look on his own face shocked me. There was a puzzling hint of utter joy mixed in with anguish. “I heard your thoughts, Bella!” he all but wept. “I heard you! In my head. I didn’t think it was real at first. And when I saw his face in your thoughts ... sneering down at you. Oh, Bella! Why didn’t you run?”

I stared at him, trying to make sense of what he was telling me. So it was the shield in my mind that kept Edward from reading my thoughts. “I didn’t know I was supposed to,” I whispered, finally finding my voice. “Edward? I ... I think I know now why I can’t remember anything.”

“What do you mean?”

I swallowed with difficulty, gripping the front of his shirt. “I’m doing it. I don’t know how or why, but it’s me. There a shield in my head, and it’s cut me off from my memories. It’s cutting me off from everything.”

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: (MILD BREAKING DAWN SPOILERS BELOW)

Just wanted to say that I had Bella’s vamp!gift plotted out WAY before Breaking Dawn was on the shelves. I know Stephenie is saying Bella is able to control herself because she had time to prepare herself for the change, but in my story, Bella doesn’t remember anything about her past, so any mental preparation would be irrelevant. That’s why she was so raw and calculating when she first woke up. She was completely lacking a memory of humanity, though as you can see, that much has been coming back to her slowly.

Another scene I wrote before the book was published was Edward being able to hear Bella’s thoughts when her mental shield was down. *sighs and wanders off*

Yes, Please

2008-07-29T21:47:12Z

Summary: COMPLETE. One-shot. While out of town, Bella devises a way to finally seduce the ever virtuous Edward – with a little help from an unexpected source.

Time period: Takes place during Eclipse, when Edward takes Bella away for the weekend to see her mother.

Warnings: NC-17 for sexual content.

Author’s Note: Why yes, that is the title of a Muse song you see there below.

***

Yes, Please
Written by Coquette

Renée was in rare form that afternoon.

We were shopping together, a little mother-daughter one on one time. Edward had stayed home, writing a fake term paper so that he didn’t have to leave the house during the day. And so I was left by myself to fend off my mother’s antics. She was a little crazier that afternoon than I remembered.

She was worried about Edward and me and made no secret of it. We were too intense, she said. Too involved. Too young. And maybe she was right, but she didn’t have all the pieces to the puzzle. She didn’t understand what Edward and I were to each other. As we traversed the mall, I struggled to find a way to explain it to her in space-cadet-Renée terms.

“Edward and I ... I know it sounds campy, Mom, but I think we’re soulmates.”

That was, after all, the title of the romance novel I’d seen on her nightstand. Soulmates. Ugh. But if anything would speak to her, it was that.

And like I’d said the magic words, Renée turned toward me with her eyes watering. “Really? You love him that much? I mean, I could see it right away. In his face, too. But soulmates, Bella?”

I went with it. Campy or not, it wasn’t inaccurate.

“I don’t know how to explain it, Mom,” I said. “It’s like he’s the other half of me. When he’s in the room, I’m still alone because he’s part of me. We’re that close. Like one person, really. When he’s not there, I feel like something’s missing.”

She was taken in by that. Maybe she felt the same way about Phil for all I knew. But if there was one thing about my eccentric mother, she was a romantic at heart. Her collection of romance novels rivaled that of the local library. Her DVD collection was a shrine to Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts. She fell silent beside me, her face enchanted as she pondered my words. I relaxed, knowing I’d won her over to my side and away from Charlie’s.

However. If there was another thing about my mom, she could be unabashedly frank. She had no qualms about asking me anything, no matter how embarrassing. I think she viewed me most of the time as more of a sister than a daughter.

“Have you two been intimate yet?”

My mouth fell open, horrified. “What? ”

“Have you had sex?” she clarified as if I hadn’t understood her the first time. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I don’t know what you kids are calling it these days. In my day, we called it ‘making ends meet’. Has your end met Edward’s yet?”

“Good God, there are children in the vicinity.”

“Your father thinks you are,” she continued, unabashed and ever oblivious. “Come on now. You can tell me.”

I crossed my arms tight over my chest, cheeks blazing red. “We’re not.”

“Huh. I would have bet money on the opposite.”

“I’m telling the truth!”

She looked at me, scrutinizing my face. “I know you are. I’m just surprised is all. Is that your choice or his?”

I shrugged an awkward shoulder. “His, mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“Edward’s a little old fashioned,” I muttered. “He won’t lay a finger on me.”

“Is that all? Nonsense. Men are men, Bella. You just need to know how to crack the shell.”

I looked at her, incredulous. “Are you ... encouraging me?”

“Oh, good grief,” she said, waving a flighty hand in the air. Her bangle bracelets jingled at me dismissively. “You’re not a child anymore, Bella. You’re eighteen years old. If you’re that serious about this boy, if he’s your soulmate, then why not? I trust you to be safe. And he looks like he’d throw himself in front of a bus for you. He’ll wear a condom. Or are you already on the pill?”

“Ugh, Mom!”

She laughed at my uneasiness, carefree as ever. “You know, I have a stack of Cosmo’s back at the house. That magazine has all sorts of tips and techniques and...”

“It’s not like that! There’s no way Edward would ever go there.”

She blinked at me, confused. “Is he impotent? Inadequate?”

“Why are you still talking about this? ”

“Does he have a small penis, Bella?” she elucidated helpfully. “Really. I thought you would have gotten over this shyness a long time ago. You’re an adult now.”

“Oh, my God...” I moaned into the palm I’d placed over my face.

“And you know, it’s okay if it is small. There are ways to work around that sort of thing.”

“I do not know how big his penis is, Mom!” I shouted, then paled as a group of children walked by, guided by their mother. She glared at me contemptuously as she shuffled her little ones off. “I told you,” I hissed under my breath. “He’s old fashioned. And maybe it’s even a little deeper than that. I think he holds back because he wants to protect me.”

There. That should give her over-processed brain something to chew on. Surely she wouldn’t keep going now that I’d brought his glittering virtue and his protectiveness into the mix. Those were qualities any mother would want to see in her daughter’s boyfriend.

Renée looked thoughtful. “He told you that? That he just wants to protect you?”

I nodded, scowling.

“I see. So he doesn’t have a small penis, then...”

“That’s it!” I said, throwing up my hands. “I am not having this conversation with you anymore!”

But she wasn’t done. She looked like she was having an epiphany, if my mother was capable of such a thing. “You know, if Edward has his foot firmly planted down, there are always other things you can do with him without going all the way. Like I said before – men are men, Bella. You just need to know what buttons to push. Trust me on this one.”

“La, la, la! I’m not listening!”

But I was, of course. Listening.

Truth be told, I was beyond frustrated with Edward. But this was an issue he would not budge on. To be able to actually talk about that with someone who’d probably been there before ... it might be embarrassing, but it was also a bit of a relief to know someone understood and was willing to part with a little sagely advice.

“You know, I don’t mind if you two share a bed tonight,” Renée continued, leaning in to glance at a display in a store window. She scrubbed at a little lipstick that had somehow gotten on her teeth. “I bet Charlie keeps a pretty tight leash on you. He doesn’t like Edward very much, you know.”

“I know. Do you like him?”

She shrugged and started digging in her enormous, overstuffed purse for something she was probably not going to find. “I don’t have anything to complain about yet. Except for maybe him leaving you for so many months.”

“He was just trying to protect me, Mom. He thought he wasn’t good for me. Then we both figured out we couldn’t live without the other.”

“Yes, he’s certainly the overprotective type, isn’t he? I had one of those once. He left me, too. He was poor, too young to see what a good man he was, and he thought I deserved better. I wish he had come back to me the way Edward did to you. I was quite in love with that fool. A lot of things in my life would have turned out differently. So ... soulmates, huh? Oh, Charlie. You never did get it because you never could see it.”

She sighed, and her hand finally emerged from her purse with a pack of gum. The ends of the wrappers were all mangled and frayed. There was a lipstick imprint on the side. “Well, that’s not what I was looking for at all,” she murmured. “I don’t even remember buying this. Would you like a piece?”

I shook my head, slightly disturbed. “You really don’t mind? Us sharing a bed?”

She rolled her eyes heavenward. “Please, Bella. I’m not stupid. You two already do that, right? Sneak around after Charlie’s in bed? I remember what it was like, being young and in love. You don’t want to ever be apart. That’s why you’re so tense right now. You miss him.”

“I do miss him,” I admitted. “But this is our time to spend together, Mom. I see Edward all the time.”

She winked at me, pleased. “Well, then let’s do a little shopping before we go back. I’ve got some more girl advice to give you before our weekend is up.”

Renée took me through the rest of the mall at lightning speed. Once she got her easily-distracted brain focused on a task, she was unstoppable. Incredible, really. Sometimes all it took to dissuade her would be something sparkly flashing at her in the windows, but that didn’t seem to be the case today. I think she really must have missed me and wanted to instill as much womanly-wisdom in me as possible in that afternoon mall visit.

She pushed me into certain stores before I could argue. Lingerie stores. Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s. I was mortified, shrinking away from the racks of corsets and teddies like they were laced with strychnine.

She didn’t buy me anything scandalous, but rather more feminine than I was used to. I normally slept in t-shirts and pajama bottoms, sometimes with holes in them. Renée bought me a few silk nightgowns with thin straps and simple, clean lines. I only accepted because they were still conservative. They came down to just above my knees and had matching robes. How Edward was going to react at the sight of my thighs, I didn’t want to think too hard about.

“He’s probably going to jump out of the window to get away from me when he sees them,” I muttered unhappily, shopping bag in tow. “Or worse.”

“Then here’s what you do,” said Renée. “Blame it all on me. Say the nightgowns were a present, and I’ll get mad at you if you don’t wear them. Trust me, Bella. Men are very visual creatures. And besides, the guest bedroom is on the second floor. He’d break his neck if he jumped out of the window. Always know your environment when on the hunt.”

***

By the time we got home, the sun had already set, and I was still a lovely shade of crimson. Edward was sitting on the couch with a book, waiting for us to return. My eyes went to him hesitantly, still humiliated by my discussion with Renée. It was at times like these I was grateful he couldn’t read my mind.

Edward furrowed his brow in bewilderment when he saw how deeply I was flushing. But he let his eyes ask the questions because Renée was still in the room, fumbling with shopping bags. Then he slowly swiveled his around head to stare right at my mother, who winked at him once before slipping from the room.

He turned back toward me, eyes dancing with amusement, and pressed the back of his hand to his mouth to stifle his laughter.

I groaned. Just because he couldn’t read my mind didn’t mean he couldn’t read Renée’s. “Don’t, please! She’s going to hear you! I’m embarrassed enough as it is.”

“She can’t hear me. She’s busy making up the bed in the guest room for us,” he said, relaxed and grinning. He eyed the shopping bag I was attempting to hide behind me. “I hope you got the blue one. Wait...” He squinted, concentrating on something in the distance for a second. “Oh, the blue and the pink one? Very nice, Bella.”

“Stop listening to Renée’s thoughts! Please. I couldn’t stop her.”

“So I take it she likes me now. That’s a nice change. She was a little wary of me at first. I was worried Charlie had gotten to her. What did you say that changed her mind?”

“You don’t want to know. If I had known this would be the result...” I trailed off, not really knowing how to finish.

Edward grew a bit more serious, though his eyes were still laughing at me. “Bella, you know we can’t do anything, right?”

I kicked at the ground with the toe of my shoe. “I know.”

“I’m just telling you that because I don’t want you to get your feelings hurt. Not that you have to keep the nightgowns in the shopping bag, that is. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I can look, can’t I? Hush now. Renée’s coming back to show you where she’s hidden the contraband.”

“Contraband?” I asked, confused.

Edward just kept grinning.

Renée stuck her head into the room, smiling rather obviously at Edward. “Did you finish your term paper, dear? It was such a shame you couldn’t join us on our little shopping trip.”

“I did, thank you,” he said, turning up the charm. Edward certainly knew how to give good parent. “I think it was for the best that I stayed here, though. You and Bella don’t have much time together.”

“Well, aren’t you sweet?” said Renée. “Goodness, look at the time. You both must be tired, what with the time change and all. Bella, why don’t you come help me finish up with the bed linens? I want to show you something.”

I looked at Edward helplessly. His face was scrunched up into a tight smirk, trying to hold in another bout of laughter. I was going to kill him when I finally got him alone.

Renée was lying about needing help. She already had the guest bedroom fixed up for us with the covers turned down. I noticed that the sheets didn’t match the pillowcases, and the duvet cover was on backwards. Everything smelled strangely of dishwasher detergent.

She was digging in the drawer of the nightstand beside the bed, muttering to herself. “Now where did I put those things? Oh, here they are. You should always have these, just in case.” She handed me several foil packets, and I stared down at them in horror. “These are condoms. Have they taught you about these in school?”

Downstairs, Edward howled with laughter.

Renée heard him and blinked at the doorway in confusion. “You don’t think he heard me, do you? But he’s all the way downstairs.”

“H-he must be on his cell phone,” I explained rather hastily.

“Huh. Anyway, you need to be very careful not to tear-”

“Just stop, Mom!” I begged. “I’m not going to need them because nothing is going to happen!”

“Bella, trust me on this. You’re going to want these and not have them one day. And I always want you to be safe. Don’t feel pressured if you’re not ready. I just want to make sure you’re prepared when it does happen. I’m not trying to embarrass you. I just know how shy you are...”

“Goodnight, Mom.”

***

Getting ready for bed – with him there watching me – was almost unbearable.

I couldn’t find my toothpaste in my bag; I couldn’t find anything I needed, in fact. Nothing was easy because my mind was rendered a mess by the whole uncomfortable situation. Edward certainly wasn’t helping matters. In fact, he was being downright exasperating.

He was on the bed, lying on his stomach with his chin in his hands. Every now and then, he would press his face into the covers and dissolve into snickers, probably still listening to Renée’s thoughts in the other room. He raised his eyebrows at me, grinning in expectation. “Well?” he asked.

“Well, what?” I muttered, digging with both hands into my hopeless suitcase.

“Why don’t you show me what you bought at the mall today?”

I glowered at him. “Haven’t you already seen it in Renée’s thoughts?” I asked in an icy tone.

“Renée only saw it on the hanger, so I haven’t seen it on you yet.”

“Why bother?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

I let gravity take hold of the lid of my suitcase. It banged shut. “Because you don’t want to...” I stared at my hands, unable to finish the statement.

“Wait. You think I don’t want to have sex with you?” Edward exhaled sharply – an incredulous laugh. “Oh, Bella. Sometimes I forget how little you think of yourself.”

I didn’t look up. “Then why haven’t we ever done anything?”

“You know why,” he said, his voice a bit patronizing. “I’ve already explained it to you.”

Renée’s words came back to me, and they made me just as uncomfortable as if I were hearing her say them for the first time. “There are other things we could do,” I all but whispered. My face was on fire, flushed with heat. I kept it turned away from him, letting the veil of my hair shield me.

Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel his slow smile, creeping up my spine. “Like what exactly?” he said in a low voice, full of mischief. “Describe these other things to me.”

“I’m not going to describe anything!”

“Then how do I know exactly what you mean?” His voice was still teasing, but he genuinely seemed to want to hear it. Perhaps he’d never really thought about it before. Perhaps he’d never let himself.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Like ... touching each other.”

I made the mistake of looking at him and blanched when he flashed his teeth at me. “I touch you all the time,” he reminded me. “Or is there a specific kind of touching you’re referring to?”

“You’re really mean, you know that?” I shot back at him.

“Are you embarrassed?” he laughed. “Oh, good. Your skin is quite lovely when you flush like that.”

“Ugh!” Snatching up my nightclothes – the ones with pant legs and holes in them – I spun around and stomped out of the room. That had probably been his end game in teasing me in the first place, so that I would leave the silk nightgowns out of the bedroom, setting him free from temptation. He knew damn well that irritating me and making me feel uncomfortable was the quickest way to accomplish his goal.

Renée was coming up the stairs, humming something atonal under her breath. When she saw me, she opened her mouth to speak.

“Don’t!” I cried before she could start. “I’ve heard enough! I can’t take both of you ganging up on me.”

“Oh, really, Bella,” she scolded, shaking her head. “You always were one to stir up drama over nothing. I was just going to say that you left this in the living room. You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

She held out the shopping bag to me – the one with the nightgowns and robes folded nicely in the tissue paper. “I don’t think he’s interested, Mom.”

“He already said no? Well, that didn’t take long at all. And here I thought you were shy.”

“I didn’t ask,” I said with a little heat in my tone. “I can just tell.”

“Hmmm.” Crooking her finger at me, she led me into the bathroom and grabbed a magazine from a basket on the floor. She flipped through the worn pages with such speed, I thought they might tear. Eventually she found what she was looking for. “This article here. Genius. Read it.”

I stared at down at the magazine, dumbfounded. There, beside a picture of a scantily clad couple were the words: How to Seduce a Man in Ten Easy Steps.

“MOM!” I whined.

“You can thank me later. Here’s your shopping bag.”

She dropped it on the counter and winked at me before sauntering off down the hallway, a piece of yarn inexplicably attached to her shoe.

I shut the bathroom door and leaned my back against it. I fumed in silence, feeling bullied by Renée and rejected by Edward. I glanced down at the magazine, scowling at the couple depicted in the picture. They looked like they were enjoying themselves. It just wasn’t fair.

Chewing on the end of my hair, I sat down on the edge of the tub and started to read. The article was basically soft-core smut tailored for the masses. Definitely something Renée would keep handy. But some of the tips ... I hated to say it, but they made sense. Little things that I’d never really thought of in my inexperience. I was never really the seductive type.

I looked around to make sure I was alone. One could never be careful enough with a vampire around. Then, leaning in, I read a little closer.

And the more I read, the more stubborn I grew inside. The more irritated and unwilling to give up that which I had every right to ask for. I was tired of Edward caving in to fear. Tired of being frustrated. I didn’t buy his “it’s not possible for us” excuse. Edward knew damn well how to control himself around me.

Thoughts of revenge flickered before my eyes.

I shut the magazine, determined to be Edward Cullen’s undoing. I was going to seduce him if it was the last thing I ever did. And ... I really hoped it wouldn’t be the last thing I ever did.

Tip #10 – Never underestimate the power of scent.

I had planned on taking a shower. Not that I was dirty or sweaty or anything. It was just my nightly ritual. But Edward had told me more than once that I smelled best to him at the end of the day, when my natural scent had had time to come out. I sniffed my arm curiously, wondering if my “natural scent” was just his nice way of saying I had offensive body odor. Thankfully, I didn’t smell like anything, at least not to my own nose. Hopefully he would approve.

I brushed my hair carefully and shook it out, letting it fall long down my back. That should help with the scent, too. He always had his nose buried in my hair.

Tip #9: Catch him off guard.

Because he knew I was irritated with him, Edward was probably expecting me to come back to bed in my usual scruffy attire. He had resisted me plenty of times while wearing that. Really ... who wouldn’t? But thanks to my crazy mother who knew no shame, I now had a contingency plan.

I pulled the blue silk nightgown out of the bag and carefully removed the tags. He had, after all, asked for it himself. Hardly my fault if it made him slip.

Tip #8: Show a little, but hide a lot.

Once I was dressed in the gown, I pulled the matching robe on over it, tying the belt up tight. It was flattering on me and covered most of my body up. But so much of my legs were exposed that I couldn’t help but feel a moment of panic. I tugged the hem as low as it would go and took a deep breath to steady my nerves.

Tip #7: Be confident.

That wasn’t an easy one for me. But somehow I managed to waltz back into the bedroom calmly, assertively. I pushed the door shut behind me and locked it. Just in case.

Edward was still lying on the bed, fiddling with one of the wrapped condoms my mother had so kindly bestowed upon us. He looked like he’d been pondering something. He said nothing when his eyes shifted in my direction. At least not with his mouth.

Edward might tease me sometimes, but at the very root of his personality, he’s always a gentleman. There have been very few times when he has given me the up-down look – the one men give attractive women walking down the streets. Their eyes start on the face, then travel leisurely down to the toes, lingering on more important parts, then slide right back to the face again. If they make it up that far at all.

Edward’s eyes did make it up to my face. Eventually. They were black as pitch.

I smirked triumphantly, my fingers moving to rustle through my hair, stirring my scent about the room. His nostrils flared.

Score: Bella – 1. Edward – 0.

Tip #6: Always maintain direct eye contact.

No problem there. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, locked in place like I was hypnotized. But I held myself back from getting lost in those eyes.

This was my game tonight, not his.

Tip #5: Make him wait.

I hovered on the far side of the room from him, watching him watch me as I knelt down in front of my suitcase. There I took my time returning the items I’d brought back with me from the bathroom. The gown slid up on my thighs, and a blush stained my cheeks and chest. I pushed back the feelings of self-consciousness and flashed a nervous smile at him.

“So, what do you think?” I asked him, running my hands down the silk. “Renée was rather insistent on this one in particular. Especially after I told her you liked blue.”

He swallowed, his fingers pulling absently at his hair. “Much better than it looked on the hanger.”

Tip #4: Draw attention to your lips.

I pulled a tube of chapstick from my toiletry bag. Not exactly the most ingenious way to accomplish my goal, but it would have to do in a pinch. I wasn’t exactly Pamela Anderson. I put it on slowly, then capped it, smiling as I rubbed my lips together.

Edward was eyeing me dubiously, his brow pinched in the middle. “You really are the most terrible actress I’ve ever met, Bella.”

My mouth – perfectly moisturized – fell open.

Score: Bella – 1. Edward – 1.

He pushed himself into a sitting position, and we stared at each other from across the room, the tension thick. “What are you trying to do exactly?” he asked suspiciously.

“Put on chapstick?” I offered.

“Besides that.”

“I just wanted to wear something pretty for you, Edward,” I said, getting a bit huffy. “Is that all right? I’m not asking anything from you.”

His lips thinned into a disapproving line. “I suppose so.”

I scowled at him. Oh, the poor dear. Having to look at his girlfriend in a nightgown. His virtue must be cramping terribly. “Turn off the lights if it bothers you.”

He did, reaching out and finding the lamp without even looking. I could still feel his eyes on me, even when the room fell into darkness. He moved to the middle of the bed when I approached, giving me plenty of room to lie down beside him without actually having to bring his body into direct contact with mine.

That was different. He usually opened his arms to me, ready to pull me close. I smiled to myself, realizing he wasn’t completely unaffected by me. Bad actress or not, maybe Edward Cullen wasn’t made out of stone after all.

I hesitated before sliding into the bed.

Tip #3: Use body language to your advantage.

Staring at those golden eyes that smoldered at me in the darkness, I tugged on the belt of my robe. The cool material slipped from my shoulders and down my arms. I took my time folding it up carefully, letting him get a good look at me in the moonlight.

I distinctly heard Edward exhale through his teeth. I shivered at the sound of it, my breasts smarting beneath that thin scrap of fabric from the chill in the air. He had never seen that much of my skin before, a fact that we were both painfully aware of.

Tip #2: Accidentally touch him.

I wasn’t sure if I could manage that one, especially with him so hyper-aware of everything I did. I decided on a more direct approach and hoped he wouldn’t suspect. He moved further away from me when I finally slid under the covers beside him, but I followed him to the middle of the bed, slipping right into his arms before he could do anything about it. He froze against me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, feigning innocence. “Is something bothering you?”

He didn’t answer. I started to slide one hand down his chest, across his stomach ... but he caught me by the wrist before I could go any further. I could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

“I’m just cuddling, Edward,” I explained. “Relax. We do it every night, you know.”

He sighed, eyes staring helplessly at the ceiling. My wrist was still captured in his hand, but the other one was free. I wrapped it around his waist, pulling myself closer, making sure his nose ended up buried in my hair.

He breathed deeply of my scent. It seemed to lull him a bit into relaxation. After a long moment, his hands found my waist as he dared touch me. I held still and let him grow comfortable there. No need to spook him or push him when he was approaching the idea like a cautious cat to a stranger’s outreached hand. He held himself tense beside me. I could almost hear the wheels in his head spinning, either trying to map out a plan of escape or trying to decide how best to get me out of the gown. Perhaps he was trying to figure out how to do both simultaneously.

Once he calmed down to a certain level, I pulled out my secret weapon, one I only used for special occasions when he was being particularly stubborn about something. A little known fact about Edward was that he absolutely loved it when I kissed certain places on his neck. Something about the warmth and the wetness, he’d told me once.

So armed with that knowledge, I slid my lips down the cool expanse of his throat, exhaling against at the base, letting him feel how warm my breath was. I opened my mouth and pressed a wet kiss against the flesh just under his Adam’s apple. He hissed beneath me, his fingers grasping my waist more urgently, digging into the silk. The gown slid up my thighs an inch.

He whispered my name, his throat vibrating beneath my lips. I moved upward, knotting my fingers in his hair, this time kissing him at the base of his jaw directly below his right ear. That was another spot he loved.

“We should stop,” he rasped, his breath stirring my hair.

“I’m not doing anything bad, Edward,” I said, not budging an inch. “I’ve barely touched you.”

“We can’t have sex, Bella,” was his firm reply.

“I’m not trying to have sex with you.”

He stared at me, gasping. His eyes were still black, glinting at me in the darkness. “We can’t have sex,” he repeated, enunciating each word. “But you’ve got me thinking now…”

I smiled.

Score: Bella – 2. Edward – 1.

“Earlier, you mentioned that we could still do other things.” He broke off, angry with himself. “Oh, Bella, shut me up if you need to. I shouldn’t even be suggesting this. The things you do to me without even realizing it...”

“Other things?” I echoed, as if I didn’t know what he was talking about.

Something changed in his mood then – so quickly it almost frightened me. His teeth glinted at me in the darkness, his eyes turning mischievous and dangerous. He shifted suddenly, moving over me in one fluid movement. He kept his weight off of me, not that I could have moved if I wanted to. I was paralyzed beneath him. I felt like I was lying in the arms of a predator. My heart hammered in my chest, excited.

Edward was trying to flip the game around on me. I could read his mind with ease because I knew how he thought. He wasn’t in control when he was being seduced, whether he thought I was doing it unintentionally or not. But if he was the seducer – the one in control – he could easily end it when he pleased.

“Oh, you remember,” he said in a silky voice, eyes burning into mine. “Now what was it you suggested we do earlier? Ah, yes. Touching. That’s harmless, right? Plenty of people do it without going further than that.” A crooked smile curled on his lips. “Do you want me to touch you, Bella?”

His gaze flickered to my lips as I licked them nervously. I nodded, unable to speak.

“I want to hear you say it,” he ordered in a low voice. “How do I know you really want it if you don’t say yes out loud?” He dipped his head down, and his lips grazed against my neck.

I clutched at his shirt. “Mmmm, yes.”

“You didn’t say please.”

My mouth fell open when his teeth nipped me ever so carefully. It felt like he’d shot a bolt of electricity through my whole body. “Yes, please!”

He lifted his head and caught me in a kiss so impossibly slow, I thought I would unravel beneath him. His lips were soft and persuasive against mine, and he made sure he had captured my full attention before his hands began to wander.

He started with both hands on my cheek, then slowly drifted down the length of me – his cool fingertips flitting down my neck, across my collarbone, then lifting away from my body before he got to my breasts. His hands found me again at my ribcage, fingers slipping along the silk down my waist, hips, and thighs. A trail of goosebumps erupted in his wake, burning almost painfully wherever he touched me. He caught the edge of the nightgown and slid the length of it upwards, exposing my legs fully to the night air.

He broke the kiss then, smiling at me wickedly before he slid his whole body down the length of mine. The gown was drawn up even further, past my panties, until just a small amount of white flesh was visible on my stomach. He ran his lips across that line of skin, inhaling slowly. “You smell like heaven to me,” he hummed against my abdomen, turning me to liquid beneath him.

“Edward, please...”

I grasped him by the ears – they were all I could get my hands on – and guided his head upwards, thankful that he let me show him what I wanted. His mouth traced over one of my breasts, curving around the side of it, still inhaling and exhaling rhythmically. His ice cold breath seeped through the fabric, and my nipples turned hard and sensitive before his lips ever touched them. He kissed one of the hard points through the silk, and his hand closed over the other, his thumb working me gently. I was lost.

“Bella?” he asked, his lips still against me, tormenting me.

“Nyyugh!” I gasped in reply.

He chuckled deep in his chest, and I felt it through the entire length of my body. “I was just wondering ... because I don’t want to mess up this lovely little nightgown ... if I might remove it?”

“Mmmm...”

He must have taken that as a yes. He started at the thin straps, lifting his head to kiss the pulse racing in my throat as he slipped the gown from my shoulders and pushed it to my waist.

He stared down at me quite frankly, eyes dark and hungry. He lowered his head and kissed a nipple as he had before, brushing his tongue across the tip of it so lightly, it was as if only his breath had touched me. I trembled beneath him in expectation, willing to beg if I had to, but unable to remember how to speak. He took his time about it, but eventually he showed me pity.

“Beautiful...” he breathed, just a whisper against my flesh. Parting his lips against me, he took my nipple into his mouth and curled his tongue slowly around it. It was as if he’d taken an ice cube to me and somehow found a way to infuse lightning into it. I cried out as my back arched upwards on its own accord.

He reached up and clamped a hand over my mouth, stifling my cries so Renée wouldn’t hear. And so I had no outlet. I stared up at the ceiling helplessly, eyes swimming with pleasure. Heat was building up in my abdomen, threatening to boil over at any second.

Edward chose that moment to finally lower his body down onto mine, nestling his narrow hips between my thighs. Whether he meant it to be or not, it proved to be my undoing. I ground my pelvis against his hard body once, twice, then exploded into a toe-curling climax. Thank goodness Edward had the foresight to cover my mouth; I would have never been able to keep the resulting scream at bay.

I have no idea how much time passed, but when I finally peeled my lethargic eyes apart, Edward was staring at me in amazement. “Well,” he mused. “That was an unexpected response.”

I could only gape at him rather stupidly. He peeled the nightgown completely off of my body and cast it away into the dark room, turning his attention back on me. He bundled me up into his arms, dropping little kisses on my eyelids and face as I gathered myself. I should have felt embarrassed, but the way he was looking at me ... it only made me feel powerful. He was delighted. Quieter now. Calmer. As if my climax had been his as well.

I smiled at him, my entire body flushed with warm pleasure. Did he really think he was going to end this that easily? “What about you?” I asked, my fingers skimming across the buttons of his shirt. “Can’t I touch you, too? That’s not against the no-sex rule.”

His delight melted into caution. “No...” he reasoned after a long moment had passed. “I don’t suppose it is.”

But when I reached for him, his hand closed over my wrist, and he gave me a look that almost made me shrink away from him. It reminded me of that first day in Biology.

“I just want to take off your shirt. I’m naked. It’s only fair.”

His eyes were wary, but he let me. My fingers were still shaking, but I managed to make quick work of the buttons, fearing he’d stop me at any second. I didn’t even let myself look until I had disposed of the shirt entirely. His chest was smoother than glass beneath my hands, freezing the tips of my breasts when they brushed against him. He stayed still, weighing my reaction as I acquainted myself with his body, sighing happily when I reached around to explore his back. His eyes were heavily-lidded as he watched me. I knew he loved how warm my hands were.

Edward didn’t change into nightclothes when he slept with me. He just climbed in still dressed in whatever he’d been wearing that day and changed his clothes in the morning. His jeans rubbed against my bare skin, unpleasantly rough compared to his body. Only one thing to do about that. My hands moved to his belt buckle.

“Bella...” he breathed in warning, his fingers tightening on my arms. He stared at me pleadingly, helpless to resist. I’m not certain when it had happened, but I think I had eased him past the point of no return without him even being aware of it.

“It’s only fair,” I reminded him. I was, after all, only still in possession of my panties. “Unless you want me to put my own clothes back on.”

He didn’t help me, so it was difficult getting him out of the rest of his clothes. But I was stubborn, so I managed it. First the belt came off. The way he looked at me as I slid it from his belt loops almost made me combust – a low fire crackled there in his eyes. Dangerous. Deathly serious. His jeans were loose on his slender waist and easy to unbutton. I pulled him into a kiss before I pushed them down past his hips, unable to stand the heat behind his stare. I was set for another meltdown if he kept that up.

I had never touched a man before. I was almost too shy to try. But locked into that kiss, away from those devastating eyes, I somehow found the courage and closed a warm hand over the length of him. Simultaneously, we both moaned against each other’s lips.

The mood shifted again, turning into something more desperate. He slipped a hand down below the band of my panties. He took me then, sheathing his fingers inside of me in one fluid movement. Ice cold burning into the heat of me. He hissed in pleasure as he watched my jaw drop open.

“Only fair, right?” he growled through clenched teeth.

Things started to move very fast, all the careful lines of control we’d drawn fading into muddy gray. I could see it, written all over his face. His control was slipping, ready to careen off of the edge into a free-fall. “Tell me no, Bella,” he begged, his words bleeding with longing. “Please. Just one little word.”

I tugged at him harder. “I don’t want to tell you no.”

He rested his forehead against mine. “Then lie to me...” he whispered.

I tried to kiss him, but he wouldn’t let me. “Edward, please...” The urgency in my voice surprised us both.

“Oh, to hell with it...” he growled, voice cracking.

He ripped my panties off and was pressed against me before I could even blink. He slipped inside of me— just the head – then withdrew, as if testing himself. His whole body was shaking as he tried it again, deeper this time. I was tense underneath him, trying to fight against reacting to the pain. He stretched me, filled me to capacity, and the pain made my eyes water and spill over. Still I clung to him, wrapping my legs around his waist. He started to move, slowly at first, but his pace soon quickened, ragged like his breath. It hurt like the blazes, and I didn’t care. The burning pleasure was worth the pain. And Edward had once called himself masochistic...

The bed groaned beneath us, threatening to split in two. I could certainly relate. Edward cursed under his breath, and suddenly I was airborne. He had picked me up to maneuver us both onto the floor. I suppose it was a good idea not to break Renée’s furniture, but still...

“Neeeoooow!” I cried in protest when he slipped out of me.

But he had other plans. He sat on his knees, and brought my still prone body back to him. My back was flat against his thighs, my head resting on the carpet, hair splayed out in the moonlight. He entered me again, slower this time, hissing out another string of curses. I gasped, eyes wide and streaming as I stared up at him, the pale expanse of his body displayed fully before me.

Edward lost himself then. He took my hips into his hands and drove into me so fast, I could barely register it. I was going to have bruises, but I couldn’t seem to care. I reached for him helplessly, but his body was too far away from mine, so I clung to the carpet instead. His eyes were flat and unseeing, overcome, but somehow he had enough sense to lean his body over mine and clamp his hand over my mouth again. Who knows what sounds I was making.

The change in the angle of his thrusts set me writhing. His fingers brushed against the curls at the base of my thighs, and with that simple touch, he undid me yet again. I screamed against his hand, biting him, thrashing beneath him. And he let himself tip right over the edge after me, his entire body going rigid against mine. The hand over my mouth fell away right before he lost control. The carpet pulled away from the floorboards on either side of my head, gripped in his clenched fingers.

The free-fall ended in a gentle landing. Both of our bodies seemed to turn to liquid as the euphoria of the afterglow took us. He rested his body down upon mine with care, wonderfully cool against my damp skin, never letting himself be too heavy upon me. He was shaking just as much as I was. He held me, stroking my hair and my body. Residual waves of pleasure rippled through me every few seconds.

Eventually, he slipped fully out of me. Then he lifted his head, his hair sticking up in every direction. He stared down at me guiltily. “Oops.”

“Huh,” I gasped, completely dazed. Little stars danced on the edges of my vision. “So that’s why you never let us get past a certain point.”

His words started to come very fast, almost too fast for me to catch. “I’m so sorry, Bella. Are you all right? Did I hurt you? Tell me I didn’t hurt you.”

I smoothed his unruly hair back away from his face, trying to reassure him. “No, I’m fine. Don’t be sorry. Just ... do it again. Right now.”

He let himself smile then, realizing I must be unharmed if I was already asking for an encore performance. “I just might have to. I’m considering never allowing you get dressed again.” He pressed his lips to the curve of my collarbone.

“That might make for an awkward plane right home.”

He lifted his head, leaning in toward my face. “I’ll buy us our own plane.”

“Okay,” I breathed a second before his lips found mine again.

I smiled as he kissed me, and even indulged in a chuckle or two. He kissed me for a moment, then pulled back, studying me curiously. “Why are you laughing?”

“Hmm, nothing,” I said, still grinning. “I was just thinking about something. It’s not important.”

“Tell me.”

“I was reading a magazine in the bathroom before I came to bed. One I normally wouldn’t pick up. I’m considering getting a subscription now.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Cosmopolitan? Let’s see if I can remember what the title of the article Renée gave you was. How to Seduce a Man, was it? Something about ten easy steps?”

I scowled at him.

Score: Bella – 2. Edward – 2.

“Your mother had all the tips quite committed to memory,” Edward continued. “I can name them all for you if you like.”

And then he did. He listed them, right down the line. And then he smiled at me rather smugly. “Really, Bella. Nonsense, all of it. I was the one who ended up seducing you in the end, wasn’t I? You weren’t even asking for it until I got you all riled up.”

“You forgot number one,” I said in an even tone.

“What was that?” he asked, not understanding what I meant.

“You mentioned all the other tips from the magazine,” I clarified, lifting an annoyed eyebrow. “But you missed the last one. The most important one.”

Edward shrugged, unconcerned. “Renée never got that far in her head, I guess. Easily distracted, that one. So tell me, Bella. How on earth did you manage to seduce me? Astonish me.”

I stared up at that self-satisfied face until he looked me right in the eyes. “Tip number one,” I recited. “Make him think it was all his idea.”

Edward’s eyes narrowed at me, his smug look melting away into a perplexed frown.

Score: Bella – 3. Edward – 2.

Game and match.

***

The end.

Author’s Notes: I would just like to say that a 5.4 earthquake struck my Los Angeles office right when I finished this story. Edward and Bella seemingly made the ground move. Remind me to be more careful with that next time.

For those of you who don’t buy Renée’s behavior, your mom might surprise you one day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This might be the last thing I write until after Breaking Dawn is out. The fandom’s gone a bit batty and evasive. Cheers! -Coquette

Citizen Erased -- Chapters 4 & 5

2008-07-28T05:03:42Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Author’s Note: Some of you misunderstood the last chapter a bit. For those of you who didn’t catch my rewrite of it, I just wanted to clarify that Alice DOES see Bella getting her memories back, and that she DOES see Bella returning to normal. Remember the vision she shared with Edward in Chapter 8 & 9 of Spiral Static. None of that has changed. Just so you know. ;)

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Chapter Four

The face in the mirror was unfamiliar but not unpleasing.

Edward stood behind me, looming almost a full head taller than me, with his hands heavy upon my shoulders. He watched me without expression as I acquainted myself with my own appearance. I had to be careful with him watching my reaction so closely. It was difficult to act as though what I saw in the mirror didn’t surprise me. I was a little dumbstruck, to be honest.

Bella had described herself in the journals as quite plain. I could see that, reflected there in the mirror. There was nothing particularly striking about my features in and of themselves. The shocking parts were all in the details. My skin, for example. It was flawless, a heart-shaped face cut from a solid piece of quartz. I had a subtle glow about me, like Edward and the others. My hair fell in loose ringlets around my shoulders, reaching down to the middle of my back. The curls were becoming, and they softened my appearance with an air of femininity.

What captured my attention the most were my eyes. They were crimson red, unlike any eyes I’d ever seen. The Cullens didn’t have eyes like that. They caught me off guard. Frightened me.

Edward must have felt my tension through my shoulders. “You still have human blood inside of your veins,” he murmured, his mouth close to my ear. “Your eyes will change to the same color as ours eventually. Just give it time.”

I leaned into his touch unconsciously, grateful for the reassurance he offered. “People keep saying that to me. Just give it time.”

Edward spun me around gently, dragging my attention away from the face in the mirror, until I was facing him. “It will get easier,” he assured me, molding his hand to my cheek.

“They keep saying that a lot, too.”

“That’s because it’s true.”

His thumb rubbed little circles on my temple, lulling me into relaxation. Such power he held over me already. All he had to do was touch me and whisper a few little words.

Guilt gnawed at my insides, and I could barely meet his eyes. The way he was looking at me, so adoring and watchful, broke my heart. I hated lying to him. I hated that he thought I was someone I wasn’t. “I don’t know if I want to do this,” I whispered. To me, the words had a dual meaning.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Hunt.”

He knitted his brow. “It’s what we do, Bella. You’ll fall into it easily enough. You’re built for it.”

“If you say so.”

His hand moved to rest on my shoulder again. “Tell me what you’re afraid of.”

I’m afraid of hurting you, I thought to myself. I’m afraid you’ll never forgive me for it.

“I’m thirsty,” I said, looking away from those liquid eyes that saw far too much. “All the time. It frightens me. Like I could lose control of it if I’m not careful.”

“We all deal with that every day,” he replied, his tone patient. “It’s normal. Do you want me to get you something before we go? To stave off the hunger for a bit? It’s a bit of a run to the hunting grounds.”

I nodded, my gaze still training on the ground.

Edward lifted my chin up, searching my face for a moment, his own face still wiped free of expression. I trembled under that gaze, fearful he could see right through me. But he said nothing. He just brought me close, one hand on the back of my head like I was something precious to him, and left a smoldering kiss on my forehead.

I gasped when he touched my bare skin, trembling beneath the cool pressure of his lips.

Pulling back, he took my face again in his hands. “Well, there’s something that hasn’t changed,” he said in a low voice, smiling at me crookedly. “I’ll be back in a minute with something for you to eat. The others will want to leave soon.”

Dropping one last kiss on my brow, Edward turned and slipped silently from the room. I stared at his lanky, retreating form as it disappeared down the stairs and put my hands over my face, exhaling in frustration. I just couldn’t do this to him anymore. It had been less than an hour since that terrible lie had slipped from my lips, and it was an hour too long for my mental well-being. I hated every second of it. I thought perhaps it would get easier as time went on, but with every kind word he spoke to me, every time he touched me like I was his lover, it only got worse.

I cared for him too much already.

I began to pace, furious with myself. I didn’t know what to do. I felt trapped there in that house; trapped by my own mistakes, by my own foolishness and inexplicable existence. The whole situation felt like a bad dream.

I chuckled at the thought, shaking my head unhappily. Wouldn’t that be something now, if all of this were only a dream? Perhaps I would wake up into a life that was more normal. The thought should have comforted me, but it only frightened me instead. Normality would be nice, but if this were just a dream, would he still be there if I woke up? I clung to the dream selfishly, unwilling to give him up.

As I continued to pace, something strange caught my eye in the window.

At first, I wondered if that too were part of a dream. It was so subtle, I thought I had imagined it.

The moon was out, so the lawn outside was lit up like daylight to me. My eyes caught every detail, crisp and vivid, but the colors bled together under the glare of the moonlight, splintering into shades of muted blues and grays.

That ability to see every little nuance was the only reason I saw him.

It was nothing but a shadow at first, swaying in a different direction than the wind. But then I saw the eyes watching me – a dim gold, glinting in the darkness like the eyes of a cat. At first I thought it might be Edward or one of the other Cullens. Their eyes were variations of the same golden color – all except mine. But I could hear all seven of them downstairs, readying themselves for the hunting trip.

It was a different vampire out there then, hidden amongst the trees away from the moonlight, silent and still as death. A stranger. Someone I hadn’t met yet.

I sniffed the air, trying to catch his scent, but the wind was moving the other way, carrying it away from me.

Now that I had noticed the eyes, it wasn’t difficult to focus in and make out the rest of his features, though they were still shrouded in darkness. He wasn’t very tall, but from the little I could see of his face, I could tell he was angelically beautiful. The confident way he held himself made him seem greater in stature than he really was.

His lips curled into a knowing smile, as if he knew that I could see him. And then he did the strangest thing. Eyeing me suggestively, he put one slender finger to his smiling lips ... as if to tell me to keep a secret. And then he vanished, faster than even my eyes could follow, quieter than my ears could hear. Like a phantom or a hallucination.

I blinked in confusion, scanning the forest for any sign of him. But there was nothing. Only the gentle sounds of nighttime echoed back to me, the sounds of the Cullens downstairs, chatting in low voices amongst themselves. Who was he? Did the Cullens know he was out there? They didn’t seem to hear him or smell him anymore than I did. Perhaps I had just imagined him. But I wasn’t sure if my imagination was capable of dreaming up a face that perfect.

I heard a noise behind me. Lightning fast, I spun my head around, already spooked from the sight of the stranger in the yard.

Alice was standing in the doorway, frowning at me. “Did I frighten you?” she asked in her musical voice, still lovely though she addressed me in an even, unemotional tone.

“A little,” I admitted, my shoulders still tight with tension. “You move very quietly.”

I stared at her face to see if there was any apprehension there. Had she seen or heard the vampire outside? If she had, she didn’t seem upset by his presence. Perhaps he was a friend of the family. A neighbor for all I knew. Or a family member I had yet to meet. Maybe I had imagined him after all. It didn’t seem like a vampire could be skilled enough to elude all of the Cullens at once. I tried to put it from my mind.

Alice looked upset with me, just as she had downstairs. “Did I do something to make you angry?” I asked tentatively.

“You know what you did,” was her cool reply.

My stomach turned to lead under her gaze. It wasn’t difficult to catch her meaning. I was already riddled with the guilt of it. “How did you know I lied?”

“Oh, please, Bella,” she said, rolling her golden eyes heavenward. “You’re a terrible liar. I didn’t even need to use my powers to figure that out.”

“I am? A bad liar?” It was news to me.

“Awful. You know none of us believe you, right? You wouldn’t know your own name if it hadn’t been told to you. You’d better be glad Edward gave you those journals to write in, or you’d really be lost.”

“But everyone seemed to believe me...”

“Everyone wants Edward to stop freaking out,” Alice clarified. “He’s been inconsolable for days, Bella. And it gets bad when he’s inconsolable. One thing you need to learn about Edward ... he overreacts. When he gets the faintest hint of an idea in his head, he goes full steam ahead without thinking. Like heading off to Italy before listening to reason.”

What she could mean by that, I couldn’t begin to guess. Another thing that was probably explained in the journals I had yet to finish reading.

“Everyone thinks that you’re going to get your memories back soon enough, so why not fib a bit?” she continued. “Carlisle and Esme are the only ones that agree with me. Jasper and I had an argument over it outside. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. ”

“I’m sorry,” I said, trying to convey my sincerity. Mostly though, I think I just blubbered. I felt awful, every bit as distressed as she was. “I didn’t mean to upset anyone.”

“Then stop pretending. If you don’t tell him, I will. Though a lot of good that will do. I’ve already told him, but he’s ignoring me. He needs to hear it from you.”

“I never wanted to lie to him,” I told her, grateful for the opportunity to confide in someone. The burden had been too much to bear on my own. “I never meant any harm. But did you see his face? He looked like his heart was ready to break if I told him I didn’t remember. I ... care for him, Alice. I couldn’t stand to watch it.”

Her face softened as I spoke. “Bella ... things will return to normal. But this isn’t the way to move it along faster. I know you don’t feel like yourself, but that’s only because you’re a newborn. This new side of you is just stronger than the Bella-side of you right now. But give it time. The scales will tip in the other direction. I saw it all play out in my mind long before you were even turned. Who do you think told Edward to buy you those journals in the first place?”

I didn’t catch her meaning. “What do you mean, you’ve seen it play out?”

“You don’t know what it is that I can do?” she realized. “You haven’t read that far into the journals yet.”

I shook my head. “Are you a mind-reader like Edward?”

“No. I can see things in your future. If you stay on a certain path, that is.”

“A certain path?”

“Just trust me,” she said, staring intently into my face. She didn’t seem angry anymore. Just pleading. “Be honest with Edward, and be careful with his heart. He’s not thinking straight right now. When it comes to you, Bella, he never does. I can barely see his future at all. It keeps changing because his mind is unstable, racing from thought to thought.”

“Should I tell him the truth now? I’ll go downstairs and do it, I swear.”

Alice’s lips thinned as she pondered. “No. Just ... wait a bit. Until the right moment comes up. Ease him into it gently. I don’t know where his head is right now. He’s angry with me because of what I keep telling him in his thoughts. I’m not convinced he doesn’t already know but just doesn’t want to admit it to himself. Edward is much smarter than you think he is, Bella. He’s smarter than I am. Just keep that in mind next time you feel like fibbing.”

“I’m sorry, Alice,” I said, hanging my head a little. “I don’t mean to be so much trouble.”

The corner of her mouth pulled into a half-smile. “Oh, Bella,” she sighed, but her voice affectionate. “You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t trouble. So let that be a comfort to you.”

***

Chapter Five

The hunting trip wasn’t what I expected it to be.

Not that I knew what to expect

Esme and Carlisle stayed behind, entrusting me into the care of the younger vampires to accompany me on my first outing. We all ran together for miles and miles, through thick woods bathed in starlight. I enjoyed the experience, free from the monotony of the house at last, with the wind in my face and Edward at my side. I marveled at the strength in my legs, at the speeds they were capable of. Though admittedly, I was still slower than the rest of them. Perhaps a bit less coordinated. I wondered if some of Bella Swan’s klutziness was still haunting my movements.

The hunting grounds were up in the hills, far enough away from the city lights that shone in the distance, but not an uncomfortable distance from the house. At least, not for us.

“There are humans camping nearby,” grumbled Emmett when we came to a stop in a clearing of trees. “I caught wind of them a while back when we were running. Should we move further west? Who knows if we’ll find anything grazing there.”

I sniffed the air thoughtfully, frowning. I couldn’t smell anything. The wind kept shifting around us, stirring it all up.

“They’re probably sound asleep in their tents,” said Jasper dismissively. “We know where they are. If we stay away from them, there shouldn’t be a problem.”

I could feel apprehension grip the entire group as he spoke. I kept my mouth shut, observing in silence.

Edward’s lips were pressed into a hard, disapproving line. He had his eyes on me but addressed the others when he spoke. “Do you think she’ll be all right?”

“She’ll be fine,” Alice assured him. “If she smells a human, I think she’ll be able to control herself.” Then she looked right at Edward as if speaking silently to him, which come to think of it, she probably was. He nodded slightly, almost imperceptivity, his eyes darting in Jasper’s direction.

“Well, there you go,” said Jasper, turning his back on the group and walking toward the dark line of trees. “Bella will be fine. So what are we waiting for?” Casting a final grin our way, he slipped into the forest ahead of us.

“Watch him,” Alice said to the others under her breath. “I can’t see what he’ll do until he decides to do it.”

I didn’t really understand what she meant, but the others seemed to. We entered the thick copse of trees, following in Jasper’s footsteps, silent as the breeze that swept through the branches over my head. Something shifted in the feel of the group. It focused into something sharper, faster, deadlier. I tried to keep up, but I didn’t really understand what was happening. Edward spoke to me in a voice so low, I was certain nothing except the vampires around me could have possibly heard him.

He tried to explain to me how to give in to my other side – the predator, the monster inside of me that demanded satiation. Giving in to instinct, he called it. But I resisted, doubting myself, like a child hovering at the edge of a swimming pool, unsure of how to dive in. I felt awkward at the same time that I felt graceful. I felt misplaced. Uneager. Embarrassed. This just wasn’t me.

The prey, a herd of deer clamoring through the trees, didn’t stand a chance against any of them.

I didn’t disapprove of what they did because I understood their hunger. But I turned my face away from it all the same, feeling a wave of displeasure wash over me when I smelled the blood. It was a very good thing Edward had gotten me to eat something before we left. I was growing increasingly convinced that I wanted no part of this.

But something happened to me on that hunt. I don’t know how to describe it. Witnessing the violence ... it drew something out of me. Perhaps more of my basic memories were coming back to me, but it was more primal and instinctual than that. Bella Swan’s reactions, her hesitance, her shyness – I could see her coming through clearly in my own actions. I felt almost human as I watched them, standing there on the sidelines, petrified.

The others had transformed into something I barely recognized. Ripping, tearing, biting. Only Edward resisted, holding back, his flat black eyes searching my discomfited face. He refrained from feeding for reasons he didn’t vocalize.

The wind shifted, and a very enticing smell washed over me. Something different from the scent of the animals in the forest, different from the scent of the vampires as well. It was heady, rich, intoxicating. Hunger exploded in my mind and in my stomach, screaming at me to pay it heed. Venom filled my mouth, and I started to pant. It was nearly impossible, but I gripped my head on both sides, and managed to force down the thirst, locking it away tight in my brain.

It took me a moment, but I figured out what it was that I had detected in the air. The humans Emmett had mentioned camping nearby ... it was them. Though they were still more than a mile away, oblivious to our presence, their scent was thick in the air, carried by the ever-changing direction of the wind. The others seemed to smell it, too.

“Oh, no...” Edward breathed, and then he pulled me close as if anticipating something. His eyes were on Jasper. “Grab him!”

Had Jasper not already given himself over to his inner predator, I think he would have been able to resist the scent. But as it was, Emmett, Alice, and Rosalie were barely able to restrain him. I watched in horror, safe in Edward’s arms, as the beast within him snapped and snarled mindlessly, desperate to get away and chase after that scent. It was like watching a physical manifestation of what was going on inside of my head and stomach.

It could have easily been me there in his place. So that was why everyone thought I was going to lose myself. That was why they seemed so impressed and bewildered with my control. I hadn’t really understood before that moment.

Poor Jasper.

It took a while to calm him down, but somehow they managed it. Emmett pinned Jasper to the ground, and they lay there gasping until the fight went out of him. Alice stroked his hair, murmuring to him in a placid, soothing voice. It seemed to help pacify him.

“I suggest we leave soon,” said Rosalie, wrinkling her nose as she stared in the distance. Her eyes were black as coal. But then again, so were everyone else’s. “The wind might shift again. We should have never attempted to hunt here, especially with a newborn.”

“Don’t tell Carlisle,” muttered Emmett darkly. “He’ll be furious.”

Alice turned to look at Edward, her fingers still tangled in Jasper’s hair. “Bella?” she asked.

Edward’s hands squeezed my shoulders reassuringly. “She’s fine. She resisted, just like you said she would.”

“Thank goodness for that. I don’t think we could have handled them both.”

They started off into the woods with Jasper in tow. I was relieved to see that he seemed to be gaining control of himself again, slowly but surely. Edward kept his arms around me and guided me with even steps after them. We lagged behind the group a bit as a result, who moved with much more urgency away from the scent.

“Are you all right?” he asked when we were out of earshot.

I was having trouble thinking with the weight of his hands on me. “I wasn’t expecting Jasper to lose it like that.”

“I’m sorry you had to see that. But I’m also proud of you for not reacting the same way.” He smiled, his face shining down at me, pale as the moonlight that filtered through the trees around us. “Though I couldn’t help but notice ... you’re not joining in with the hunting.”

“No,” I admitted, hesitant. “Neither are you.”

He ignored the last part. “Does it bother you?”

“Not really. I just don’t think I want to do it myself.”

He stopped walking and turned me around to face him, pushing my hair back from my face. I shivered, eyes closing when his skin touched mine. “Do you want me to bring you something?” he asked. “I can tell that you’re thirsty. I admit I don’t really understand how you can be around all of this and not give into it. I’m barely able to myself.”

“I don’t really understand it either,” I replied quite honestly. “The stuff from the butcher – can I get more of that instead of having to kill?”

Edward looked disgusted. “If that’s what you prefer. I find it rather revolting.”

“All of it is revolting. At least I don’t have to think about where it comes from that way.”

He shook his head at me in mystification, but eventually it faded into that crooked smile I was growing so acquainted with.

“What?” I asked, feeling self-conscious.

“Nothing,” he said. “It’s just that I was so afraid that you would become this monster once you were turned. That I would have to watch you kill a human being – or at least try to at some point. That you’d be mad and ravenous like the rest of us were. And here you are, just as bothered by the thought of killing as you were as a human. But then again, you always did head in a different direction than everyone else around you. Always against the flow.”

His eyes caressed my face, so loving and sweet that it pained me. My heart was still weighed down with the guilt of my lie to him. “I’ll take you back now, if you want,” he said, his voice sliding like silk over my troubled mind.

I shook my head, momentarily dazed. “No,” I managed. “I like it out here. It’s peaceful. You should go ahead with the others and hunt. You’ve barely joined in yourself. And look.” I pulled one of the journals from my jacket pocket. “I brought reading material.”

“Hmm, nice try. But I’m not leaving you alone.” He took the journal from me, running his fingers over the leather cover. His voice was much more reserved when he spoke again, reminiscent of the first Edward I had encountered – painfully solemn. “How far have you read?”

“You just took her to the meadow.” My eyes grew wide as I caught myself. “I mean ... you just took me to the meadow.”

Oh, crap. Alice wasn’t kidding. I was awful at lying. Surely he had caught that.

But his face was free from expression when he replied. “You’ve quite a ways to go.”

A heavy silence pressed in on us. Somehow I gathered together the courage to speak again. “I-I think I owe you an apology,” I said after a long moment has passed.

He looked up at me with calm eyes. “For what?”

And there it was. The perfect moment to confess, when he was looking at me with so much quiet patience. But I couldn’t open my mouth. I was scared to death that all I had to do was say a few words to send him headfirst into despair again. The words froze my tongue. I stared at him, fearful of the fierce love that shone down at me, and kept my mouth shut.

He watched my face in silence, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. “You know,” he began after a moment, his voice low and unemotional. “Alice and the others think you’re lying to me. About your memories beginning to return. Their thoughts are full of it.”

Panic gripped my insides. Still, I was unable to speak.

“But of course,” he continued, eyes still on the journal, “I already knew you were lying the second you opened your mouth.”

I cringed, waiting for it ... for him to drop the axe and tell me how furious and disappointed he was with me. But the seconds ticked by, and the hateful words never came.

“Then why did you act like you believed me?” I finally asked.

His smile was sweet and sad when he turned it on me. “I wasn’t acting like anything. I guess it just gave me reason to hope, is all. You were so Bella when you said it. I could see her there in your face, in your eyes and in your words. Her compassion, her fear of letting others down, of hurting me. The way you looked at me ... it was just like the way she would look at me whenever something frightened or upset me, and she felt helpless to do anything about it.”

He paused there, gazing off into the distance, and smiled as if remembering something fondly. “You always were a terrible actress, Bella. To think ... being reminded of that fact, to have it bring me such comfort at a time like this...” His eyes flickered back to my face, suddenly serious. “If you need to, Bella, just ... lie to me. I think it’s easier on both of us right now.”

His words slid through me like a knife. I caved under the pressure, ready to beg for his forgiveness if I had to. “Please understand,” I whispered pleadingly. “I never wanted to hurt you. I woke up to you grieving over me – desperate for me to be something I’m not. And it made me hurt, seeing it.”

But my words only made him smile more. “See? There she is again, shining in your face. Oh, Bella, forgive me. I think I’ve put too much pressure on you.”

Wait. That couldn’t be right. Why was he asking me for forgiveness? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I turned my face away, feeling shamed by the love that radiated off of him. For him to look right at me, to know I had lied about something so sensitive and to not care – it was like being pardoned from an unforgiveable crime the very second I had committed it.

I think I fell a little bit more in love with him at that moment. It was the first time in my existence I could remember being shown unconditional love.

“You are Bella, you know,” he continued. He said it to me like a command or an incantation. “I can see that now. Written all over you. Even if you can’t.”

“I don’t feel very much like Bella,” I confessed.

He smiled at me knowingly. “Let me let you in on a little secret about her. She was never once comfortable in her own skin. I wouldn’t expect you to be either. So here’s how it’s going to be from now on between us. I’m going to treat you just as I would treat her. Like my wife because that’s exactly what you are. And you’re going to read your journals and try your best to remember. It will come back to you, and there’s nothing I can do to force that. But I’m comforted, looking at you now. Oh, Bella. Forgive me for doubting.”

He bundled me up into his arms and whispered a stream of loving words into my hair. I was speechless. How on earth had this creature fallen for someone like me? I felt so undeserving, so disgraced by the purity of it, that I could barely bring myself rest in his arms. “I’m so sorry,” was all I could say as I buried my face in his chest. “Please forgive me.”

“Hush, you silly girl,” he whispered back, stroking my back through the loose material of my shirt. “Just relax. I’ve got you.”

One of his hands slid around my cheek, and he pulled me away from his chest. Caressing my face, he nuzzled me with the tip of his nose before locking eyes with me, staring at me with obvious intent. I licked my lips nervously, unable to keep from trembling under that gaze.

He was going to kiss me.

My eyes fluttered shut and I froze, waiting. But a long moment passed, and his lips never brushed against mine.

“Not ready for that, are you?” he asked, his face very close. I could taste his breath, sweet on my tongue.

Oh, I was ready. I wanted it more than I could say. But it felt wrong somehow – to accept that kind of love from him without deserving it. I’m sure he could read the hesitance all over my face.

“It’s all right,” he said when I didn’t answer. “We’ll take things slow. I’m not going to pressure you into anything.” He held my face between both of his hands and kissed my cheek softly, his lips achingly close to mine. Then he sighed in displeasure. “Damn it all – Alice is coming back this way. They’re wondering what happened to us.”

As if on cue, Alice skipped into the clearing. She turned a knowing smile on me, obviously pleased by something. For all I knew, she had been listening to every word we’d spoken. “There you two are,” she said. “We’re taking Jasper home now. He’s calmer now that he’s fed. Are you both ready?”

Edward nodded and slipped his arm around my shoulders, guiding me toward his sister. When we reached her, he slipped his other arm around her, and we all fell into step together.

“So,” said Alice, smirking up at Edward. “Believe me now? I told you she was lying.”

“Oh, hush,” he muttered. His tone was good-natured, despite his words.

“But I guess it’s not her fault,” Alice continued. “You do tend to overreact a bit, Edward. You make us all a bit crazy, worrying about you.”

His arms tightened around us both. “Good thing I have such persistent women in my life, to keep me on the straight and narrow when I start to slip.”

Alice grinned over at me. I tried to smile back, but my thoughts were still troubled. I couldn’t help but feel a bit out of place there with the two of them. I was happy that I had a place to fit in, that I had been accepted into their hearts even when I messed up, but my vision was still clouded with uncertainty. I wanted to remember. I wanted to know what they were thinking when they looked at me. I wanted to know myself as well if not better than they knew me.

“What’s wrong, Bella?” asked Alice. “You look a bit lost over there.”

Edward’s hand squeezed my shoulder, and he pressed a kiss to my temple. “You all right?”

I sighed. “Yes. I’m just thinking is all. I’m worried. I mean ... will I remember, Alice? You said you can see the future. Do you know?”

“Well, sure, Bella. Of course you’re going to remember.”

“But when?” I pleaded.

“Hmmm, I really can’t say. When I get visions, sometimes I know exactly when an event will happen. I can name the second. But other times, I’ll just get a flash of something, usually when there’s some kind of doubt or indecision involved. I do see you with your memories back, but I have no idea when that’s going to happen.”

She shook her head, seeming slightly frustrated. “It’s been bothering me ... the last few days,” she continued. “It’s like I can’t see the way I should be able to see. Sometimes it’s there, and sometimes it just isn’t. It’s as though something is blocking me. It reminds me of when you and Edward were in Paris on your honeymoon, and that vampire...” She trailed off, her eyes growing wide in panic as something occurred to her. “Oh, damn.”

Edward and Alice both stopped walking at the exact same time, bringing the three of us to an abrupt halt. I looked up into their faces in confusion, but they didn’t offer me any kind of explanation.

Edward was staring at Alice, horror alight on his face. “What did you just say?”

“Edward...” Alice said slowly, her eyes going a bit unfocused as if she was seeing something play out in her mind. “I can’t say for certain ... but I think we need to get Bella out of Forks. Right now.”

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: Here’s some story background information for those of you who haven’t read the prequel to this story, Spiral Static. Feel free to skip if you know all this already.

Backstory:

While on their honeymoon, Edward and Bella were attacked by a small but powerful group of vampires in Paris. Their leader, still unnamed, explained that they were hired by the Volturi to force Edward and Bella into compliance. A deadline was set for Bella to be changed into a vampire.

The leader of the vampires has special talents. Though not explained fully, he is able to block out Edward’s ability to hear his thoughts and Alice’s ability to capture him in her visions. The leader handled Bella roughly, frightened her with suggestiveness, and even had Edward tortured. For this, and for attempting to take the choice of immortality out of Bella’s hands, Edward swore revenge on the leader and the rest of the vampires.

When the deadline approached, the vampires returned to see if their demands had been fulfilled. Edward and the Cullens were ready for them and killed them with the help of the werewolves. The leader, however, was not with them at the time, much to Edward’s anger and disappointment.

Now who on earth could that have been, hiding in the woods with his finger to his lips? :)

If you would like to read more about him, pull up chapter seven of Spiral Static and meet him. He’s quite a specimen. Hopefully, not what you would expect to find in a villain. Till next time. –Coquette

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Three

2008-07-25T03:35:38Z

Summary: Disoriented after her transformation into a vampire, Bella struggles with amnesia. As she learns to control her new powers and abilities, she must also come to terms with what she is ... and with the vampire she doesn’t remember marrying. Bella/Edward.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One
Chapter Two

***

Citizen Erased
Written by Coquette

Author’s Note: Someone asked me why I named the prequel to this story Spiral Static. Well, aside from it being the title of one of my favorite Muse songs, “spiral static” is defined on the Muse Wiki site as the calm before a storm. And in case you haven’t noticed, it’s begun to rain. Dum, dum, duuum! Okay, that was cheesy. Even for me.

***

Part Three

Bella Swan’s journals were ... interesting.

It felt strange to read her thoughts. It was like listening to my own thoughts, written by my own hand with my own rhythm, cadences, and vocabulary. But it wasn’t me.

But like me, Bella Swan was absolutely obsessed with Edward Cullen.

Her journals didn’t help me remember him, but only served to fortify my fixation. His soulful eyes. His scent, which still curled around my senses as I sat in his room. His evasive way of speaking that left me – or rather us – simultaneously irritated and enthralled. It was all the same. She even felt the same fear and uncertainty that I had felt under his intense stare the first time she had a close encounter with him. The reaction was so similar, so fresh in my mind from my own experience, that I felt for the first time that these were actually my journals I was in possession of. That I really was Bella Swan ... or at least had been once upon a time.

Edward Cullen was as much of an enigma to her as he was to me now. I read hungrily, wanting to know more about him, but I found myself growing exasperated with insipid details of high school life, not to mention Bella’s decided ignorance of what Edward really was.

“He’s a vampire, you idiot,” I muttered, flipping through the pages with annoyance. And when I finally reached the part where Bella put two and two together, I said, “Oh, finally figured it out, did you? Bravo.”

And of course ... that meant that I was a vampire, too.

I wasn’t as slow as the girl in the journals. That probably wasn’t her fault though. She came from a world of absolutes, of science and fact, where the supernatural kept to comic books or the movies. I, on the other hand, was born into a world of sparkling creatures made of diamond and marble. I started out a step ahead of the game, given clues that she wasn’t at the time. Like strange, dark liquid handed to me in a glass, hushed whispers nipping at my ears as I drank, mentions of a hunt. I was no simpleton; not that Bella Swan was. It wasn’t difficult for a predator to recognize another predator. The prey, on the other hand ... well, if the predator was any good, the prey would never even know they existed.

A vampire, then. Strange. I would have to contemplate that more in length later.

I already knew the end of Bella Swan’s story, even though I was still reading the beginning. So perfect, adoring Edward Cullen had finally turned his pet human into a monster? I was interested in getting to that part in particular. How out of character for him; he seemed so very protective and fearful for her life at all times, always tense and on edge, even when it was just his threadbare grip on his control that threatened her. Never fully relaxed in her presence. Always focused solely on her and on keeping her safe. Always.

I wondered what it was that finally convinced him to do it? To change her. Had he slipped? Had it been an accident? But I had quite a ways to go before I got to that part.

I stopped reading after Edward kissed her for the first time, there at the edge of the woods, handling her like she was something precious, like she was made of glass. It made me angry. It took me a while to understand why, but it dawned on me eventually.

I was jealous.

Jealous of the little human girl who had captivated him so. Turned his world upside down. Captured his heart after decades of indifference and strict self-control. I was jealous because Edward Cullen’s heart belonged to Bella Swan. To his wife. And I wasn’t sure how I fit into that picture.

I was also terrified. To go out there and face him after reading this? How embarrassing to think he knew of all my former self’s stammering and stumbling about. She was so inattentive and reckless. So clumsy and overdramatic. Was I that way, too? Had any of that changed when I had changed? I had no idea because I had a limited concept of myself, barely twenty-four hours old. My mind was like a sieve, full of holes. What did he love so much about her anyway? Surely he wouldn’t love me the same way. I didn’t feel much like Bella Swan. We weren’t even the same species.

I was Bella Cullen now. Edward had claimed me in more ways than one, branding me not only with his name but with immortality and a thirst for blood.

I knew now that it wasn’t a normal hunger that tore up my insides and tormented my mind. I wanted something I couldn’t have, the blood of humans. But even as I thirsted for it, I felt sick inside – in my heart and in my stomach. The very thought repulsed me. Given Bella Swan’s dislike for the smell of blood, even going so far as to faint when faced with it, I could only wonder if my own reaction was driven by the same disgust as hers.

But now I needed it to survive. That was going to be a problem.

I had little doubt in my mind that I had only been given animal blood by the Cullens. Thinking about it – remembering the taste and the thick, syrupy texture – made me feel ill all over again.

And hungry.

The two combined together, warring in my brain, was torment. What a pathetic vampire I was turning out to be. Considering the alternative, that was probably a good thing.

They were all downstairs, whispering and murmuring about me. I could hear them. It was now dark outside, rain tapping at the window like a ghost trying to make its presence known. No one had bothered me for hours. But they were all on high-alert, standing guard in case I tried to slip out. They seemed to expect me to lash out at any minute, like I was some kind of mindless animal capable of only acting on instinct instead of intellect. It made me thankful for my gift. To control that animalistic side of me, to push it down with so little effort ... I think it was going to save me a great deal of misery. I think it was going to save Edward and the rest of them some, too.

Domesticated monsters, indeed. What a thought.

They were worried. Wondering why I hadn’t remembered yet. The disorientation that came with the change wasn’t supposed to last that long – at least, it hadn’t for them. It should have started to come back to me as soon as I began to read about myself. Carlisle, bless him, insisted that I only needed a bit of time and space, saying that my mind was just protecting itself from the trauma of the change and all the pain that had come with it.

I hated the fact that they were talking about me without me being present. Surely they had to know I could hear them, just as loudly as if they were in the same room as me. Perhaps they weren’t used to me being a vampire yet themselves. Perhaps they still saw me as little Bella Swan.

I never heard Edward’s voice speaking, though I knew he was down there. Though he stayed silent, others spoke to him, comforting him, encouraging him. One at a time, in low, dulcet tones. I felt terrible that there wasn’t more I could do for him. But what could I do?

I got up and paced, feeling frustrated, feeling trapped ... not only in the house but in the life I’d woken up in. Where were the other people in the journal? Like Charlie and Renée? They were my parents, weren’t they? So where were they, and how did they fit into this new life of mine now? Were we in Forks right now, or someplace else? I didn’t even know how long ago the journals had taken place. I didn’t even know what I looked like. There were no mirrors in the room, but surely there was one elsewhere. Was I still the plain girl in the journals with the translucent skin?

It wasn’t true that I didn’t remember anything. Some things had come back to me as I read. Simple things. Inane details. Like how the outside world worked. Social exchanges, traffic laws, geography, even the plots of several books I must have loved once. But why those things? Why could I remember Mr. Darcy’s failed proposal to Elizabeth Bennet when I couldn’t even remember my own husband’s proposal to me?

It struck me as odd, like something wasn’t quite right in my brain. A switch or a latch that needed prying open in order to let the flow of personal memories out again. But how was I supposed to locate a theoretical latch in my brain? It made my head hurt just thinking about it.

Weary of pacing, needing to get away from unpleasant thoughts, I left the journals on the bed and exited Edward’s room. I inhaled deeply before I slipped out so that his smell would stay with me. I stopped in the hallway before I got to the stairs and had to grip the wall to support myself.

I was thirsty. Dizzy with it. My mind started to unravel from the pressure. It snarled and twisted and beat against my chest in place of a missing heartbeat, but I gripped at the tattered threads of my control and wove them back together. No! I was not going to lose myself to that. I was stronger than that.

I pushed back the hunger, though it screamed and snapped at me before I locked it away in my mind. Once I gathered myself – and it took several long moments before I did – I made my way downstairs, trying not to show that I was shaking. They were all there, silent, waiting for me to finally make it down the stairs. It looked like I had stumbled upon a family meeting. One about me.

With no small amount of effort, I avoided looking at Edward. But I caught a glimpse of him before I averted my eyes. He was standing in the rear of the room, away from the others, leaning against the wall with his arms folded over his chest. His face was hard, expressionless. Not to mention devastatingly beautiful. I felt his eyes burn into me, but I couldn’t bring myself to return the gaze.

“Uh-oh...” murmured Emmett. “Look at her eyes.”

“She’s all right,” Alice whispered back. “She’s still in control.”

Before I had a chance to figure out how she knew that, Carlisle suddenly appeared before my vision. I had seen him move, my eyes able to move as quickly as his body, but it surprised me nonetheless. I had read that they moved swiftly – that we moved swiftly – but it was one thing to read it and another to see it. “Bella,” he said in greeting. His tone was cautious. “We were starting to wonder about you up there. You must be quite hungry by now.”

“A little, yes.”

It was a lie. I was ravenous.

I tried to smile at them all, but I’m sure it fell short. I would have loved nothing more than to turn back around and retreat again to Edward’s bedroom ... but then I wouldn’t get fed. And I wouldn’t be standing this close to him either. Without even looking at him, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave. I felt myself leaning his way, as if drawn toward him like a magnet. Whether imagined or not, I felt as though I were in physical pain when I resisted moving his way.

I ignored him ... because if I didn’t I was going to make a fool of myself in front of them all. And I couldn’t stand looking into those eyes again – so wistful and longing. It hurt too much, especially now that I’d fallen a little in love with him myself after reading about him. I focused on the face on the furthest side of the room from Edward. There, Jasper was shaking his head at me, awestruck. He looked like he envied me somehow. Though who could be envious of me, I don’t know. I was a mess.

“I trust you understand certain things now?” Carlisle asked me, his meaning plain.

I lifted up my chin, gladly turning my attention back on him. “We’re vampires,” I said calmly, looking him right in the eyes. “Is that what you’re referring to?”

Carlisle’s mouth twitched. He was amused at my candor. “And you’ve accepted that little detail, I take it? You’re all right with it?”

“Is there a reason I shouldn’t be?”

“Well, several actually,” he reasoned, a bit of apprehension touching his flawless face. “Vampires are often considered monsters.”

“But you’re not,” I pointed out. “You don’t kill humans. Only animals, and humans kill those themselves. So why should it bother me? You’re really not that different from them at all. Well, aside from the basic mechanics, anyway.”

Carlisle seemed to like that answer. So much so that his shoulders released tension I hadn’t even realized was there. He smiled at me affectionately, and I felt something tug at a little hole in my chest. I knew in that moment that I could trust him, and that if I let him, he would be the same father to me that he was to Edward and the others. “Do you think you’re ready to hunt, Bella?” he asked, his tone gentle and unassuming. “I admire your control thus far, but I’d rather not test it too much until you’ve had a chance to mature.”

“I don’t know how to hunt,” I said, feeling self-conscious. And to be honest, I wasn’t that thrilled at the idea. I thought about the blood, and that same starving but disgusted feeling washed over me. Was this what it was going to be like? Repulsed by the very thing I needed to give me life?

“Trust me, it will come naturally to you,” said Carlisle. “You’re a creature of instinct now. Though as you have discovered, we’re capable of being much more than that. You need to understand that the desire to take life is natural and nothing to be ashamed of. It’s what we do with that desire that sets us apart.”

“But I don’t want to kill anything. I don’t have to, do I?”

He raised his eyebrows. “If you can hold yourself back from taking a life, even from an animal, I’m sure you will impress us all even more than you already have.”

“Well, then. Plan on being impressed.”

Emmett reared his head around to address Edward. “You know, I’m starting to understand what you see in her.” And then he yipped as Rosalie elbowed him in the stomach.

Carlisle chuckled musically. “Oh, Bella. How happy I am to have you as a new daughter. If the others aren’t careful, you just might turn into my favorite. You and I think very much alike.”

Besides Emmett and Carlisle, the others weren’t amused. They were staring again. My eyes must be black as pitch because more than once, they had murmured about them under their breath. I grew irritated with all the attention focused on me. Couldn’t they see I wasn’t some mindless lunatic?

“I feel like you’re all waiting for me to just snap,” I said, and the words came out with a little more heat than I intended. “I don’t know ... burst through the walls, massacre the town, and bathe in their blood.”

Jasper raised a helpful hand. “That’s because we are.”

Esme shushed him gently.

“I’m afraid we need time to adjust just as much as you do, Bella,” said Carlisle, winking at me. “None of the vampires you see before you were able to exercise such control.”

“Bella, dear,” said Esme, speaking to me for the first time. Her voice was soft and pleasant, with no hint of teasing. That was immensely comforting to me at that moment. “Do you remember anything yet? Not to put pressure on you. We just want to know how to make this easiest on you – what we can do to help and support you. We hoped the journals might lend a hand. You wrote them with such care and attention, you know.”

They all looked at me expectantly. I wanted to sink into the floorboards. It was then that I really was like Bella Swan, made new – because I made an enormous error in judgment.

I looked at him. And it all went downhill from there.

He had caught my eye because he had moved as soon as Esme began speaking. Pushing himself away from the wall, he came to stand closer to the group.

I stared at him, almost fearfully. Overcome by the enormity of his presence.

It was like looking at a character from a book, or spotting a celebrity on the street. You knew him – knew everything about him as if you’d watched him voyeuristically for a large portion of his life, even had words that he’d spoken memorized – but you didn’t know him.

I knew what it felt like to kiss him, though I’d never kissed him. I knew his hands would feel like electric bolts going through my body, though he’d never touched me. I also knew that he was telling me the honest truth when he said he loved me. Violently so. And I loved him, too, in a way. Because the Bella in the journals loved him. I was the reader, stepping into her shoes, the narrator.

“Well, Bella?” he asked in that velvet tone, his eyes burning like a low, kindling fire upon my face. “Do you remember anything?”

I could scarcely think. His eyes were so full of quiet hope ... but bleak and fearful at the same time. He was scared to death of what I was going to say, ready to flinch away from it. My heart twisted in pity for him. To tell him the truth would have been cruel.

So I lied.

“It’s ... coming back to me.”

And then I looked away from him, instantly sick from guilt. Somehow the lie felt crueler than the truth.

The entire group – all except Alice – murmured and sighed in relief. Esme hugged me unexpectedly and gave me a little kiss on the cheek, telling me I should call her Mother. I shrunk away from her, feeling shy but pleased. The idea of a mother, when my own human mother seemed so far removed from me at that moment ... it wasn’t an unwelcome one.

“All of your memories, Bella?” asked Carlisle. He was staring at me curiously.

My shoulders tensed. This was the reason lying was a bad idea. With one lie came more lies. “Not yet. There are still some holes. I don’t remember a lot toward the end.”

That was the truth, at least. I hadn’t read that far into my story yet.

“Well, I suppose that’s to be expected,” said Carlisle. “They’ll fill in soon, I’m sure. But you remember Edward? Meeting our family?”

I nodded, hating myself. Though I knew small details about them, I didn’t remember meeting the Cullens because Bella Swan hadn’t met them yet. I needed to go back and finish the story quickly if I was going to keep this charade up.

Emmett slapped Edward heartily on the back. “See? What did I tell you? Pay up, Jasper. You lost.”

Jasper shrugged and held out his hand to his brother. There were several hundred dollar bills in it. But his smile was kind when he turned it on me. “It’s worth it,” he told me with a wink. “Not a bet I would have wanted to win.”

Even Rosalie, who seemingly didn’t think much of me if the journals were any indication, was looking at me with relief in her eyes. Of all of them, she was the one who offered me the most empathy with her gaze. I had a feeling she had gone through something similar. Perhaps her own change had been very hard on her. But there was something else there behind that stare. Disappointment, maybe. I don’t think that she liked the fact that I was one of them.

Alice just sat on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest. I wasn’t sure why, but she was scowling at me disapprovingly. That struck me as odd. She’d been so nice before.

I saved Edward’s face for last. Truth be told, I was scared to death to look at him at all, fearing he would see right through me. He was so very smart, and he knew Bella well. Wouldn’t he be able to tell the truth just from looking at my face?

Apparently, I was a good liar. Or perhaps he was just too hungry for the lie not to believe it.

Edward’s face had transformed.

I almost broke down and told him the truth right then and there. For him to look at me like that – eyes shining with so much hope and love – it absolutely shamed me. Where there had only been hardness and anguish before, his face was now soft and open. And slowly but surely, it split into the sweetest, most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.

In the journals, Edward had often laughed and smiled at his Bella. He was much happier then. Since I only knew him to be a sullen, grim creature, I could scarcely imagine Edward doing those things when I had read of them ... at least, not until now.

“Oh, Bella...” he whispered. And then I was in his arms, picked up by the waist until my feet dangled above the floor. He crushed me against his body in a fierce embrace.

I was in shock. The feel of his skin ... Bella in the journals had described it quite accurately. He was cold to the touch, but it didn’t bother me. He felt just like I did. But my skin wasn’t infused with electricity ... at least, not until he touched me, that is.

I gasped and closed my eyes at the feel of him, his breath on my neck, inhaling my scent and exhaling my name.

What could I do? If I said anything now, he would let me go. Perhaps I was a monster after all.

He let me down slowly, our bodies sliding inch by inch against one another’s. He stopped my downward progress when my forehead was level with his lips. He left a searing kiss there, right below my hairline, and the feel of his mouth left me gasping for breaths I didn’t need. I’m sure it all made for a convincing performance, but it was all quite honest. I was overcome.

In the room, I heard voices, though they seemed very far away. They were happy, celebrating the lie. It wasn’t until Edward set me fully upon the ground that I was able to register what was being said.

“Come on,” said Emmett, grinning at me. “Let’s take the rookie on a hunting trip. Instill a nice bloodlust for the innocent in her. She’s entirely too boring.”

Still hidden in the safe haven of Edward’s arms, I tried to smile back, but guilt was tearing me up inside. How happy I’d made them all with just a few words. Though come to think of it, most of them weren’t really looking at me. They were looking at Edward’s face in relief. It occurred to me then that yes, they might be concerned for me ... but it was mostly just worry for him that had them so worked up.

Alice was still sitting on the sofa, watching us with that same scowl upon her lovely face. “Edward, can I speak with Bella alone?” she said quietly.

“No,” he murmured, his face pressed into my hair. “Go away.”

I watched her, puzzled, as she shook her head and got to her feet. She stomped outside in a hurry, a confused Jasper following close at her heels. The family meeting was breaking up. A sea of voices and movement and smiles all around us. But Edward and I just stood still in the middle of it, swaying gently in that sea, together as one body.

He drew back to rest his forehead against mine, eyes locked with me, smiling that perfect smile. “I have so much to show you, Bella,” he whispered. “So much to share with you. I was just so afraid ... so frozen ... Alice said you'd be normal again, that you would remember everything. But I was just afraid she'd gotten it all wrong, and you wouldn’t ever be you again. I thought I’d lost you.”

What he would think of me when he learned he hadn’t found me yet, I shuddered to imagine.

I blamed part of it on him. He had enthralled me, gotten me drunk off of the scent and feel of him, sated my hunger with words and sentiments I was so desperate to hear aimed at me instead of Bella Swan.

But even with all of that, I still hated myself as I said, “I’m right here, Edward. What do you want to show me?”

***

To be continued.

Eta: Some of you are getting confused. Alice never says Bella won't remember. It's the opposite. Edward is just afraid Alice was wrong. (I've re-written it now. Hopefully it's clearer.)

And if you're curious about Jasper's reaction to Bella's lie or Edward's inability to hear Alice's thoughts ... just pay attention to the little details. Like winks and armfuls of Bella. Really, people. I'm feeling quite misunderstood tonight. Hahaha.... ;D

The Small Print -- Chapters 2, 3, & 4

2008-07-23T17:37:15Z

Summary: Charlie lands Edward in jail. Hilarity and community service ensue. However, while on a community service assignment in the lesser known areas around Forks, an encounter with an elderly citizen in need leaves Edward and Bella with a much bigger problem on their hands.

Time Period: Sometime between New Moon and Eclipse.

Previous Installments:

Chapter One

***

The Small Print
Written by Coquette

Part Two

Edward was sentenced to one hundred hours of community service to be completed in no less than two months. There were limited options in a small town like Forks. There was roadside cleanup, of course, because any town that sported a fast food restaurant or a gas station required trash removal now and again. The town library was small and flush with volunteers; no work to be done there. There was always the nursing home and the preschool, but Edward had looked at me like I’d grown a second head when I suggested those.

He chose the roadside cleanup. No surprise there.

I drove him to his first day, adamant that he obey Charlie and not drive until he was allowed to. Besides, it was a wonderful way to get out of my grounding sentence, if only for twenty minutes at a time. Even Charlie wasn’t hard-hearted enough to make Edward walk everywhere in the rain – at least not at first, anyway. It had taken some convincing to get Charlie to let me out of the house with Edward at all. A few little fibs about his siblings being unable to provide a ride. I wanted Edward all to myself, even if it was just for a little while. After so many months without him, I hated to be separated from him for even a second. Pathetic, I know, but there it was all the same.

I kept my truck’s speed at thirty-five miles per hour in a forty-five zone. Edward looked like he was going to come unglued, so of course, I slowed down a bit more. “You know, that color looks very nice on you,” I said with a bright smile.

Edward was sitting with his arms crossed over his chest, trying to cover up the neon-orange reflective service vest that cleanup workers were required to wear. “Bella? Don’t.”

“No, really. It does wonders for your complexion. Not to mention how well it brings out your eyes. Very avant-gard.”

“You’re loving every second of this, aren’t you?”

“Yes. But only because I love you.”

He glanced over at me, and I instantly recognized the look. I’d seen it quite a bit lately and never could really figure out what he was thinking. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

His eyes narrowed. “It’s ... nothing.”

Well, that certainly didn’t pique my interest at all. “Tell me.”

His arms tightened even more across his chest as he looked away. “You’re doing it again,” he muttered disapprovingly.

“Doing what?”

“Trying too hard.”

I laughed. At first. Then my smile faded. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ever since I came back to Forks...” He trailed off and sighed, as if frustrated with himself – or perhaps with me. “...It’s like you’re constantly trying to capture my attention with something. Captivate me. Make me laugh. Your wit or your body language, always firing, zeroing in on me. Your looks and clothing, too. And you do look nice today, Bella. But you need to know that it’s just unnecessary. You already have my attention. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going to leave you again before you believe me?”

Frowning deeply at the road in front of me, I slowed my truck to a stop just outside of the place Edward was supposed to meet his community service officer at to get his assignment. There were no other cars there, which meant he was the first to arrive. Perhaps he was the only one scheduled to arrive at all. After all, Forks wasn’t exactly a den of criminals.

Though the ride was over, I didn’t want to look at Edward. I suddenly felt self-conscious in the skirt I was wearing. I never wore skirts, but he liked them. And Edward loved me in blue, which was the reason I’d chosen the shirt. I’d been wearing a lot of blue lately without even really registering why I was doing so. My cheeks burned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I muttered, feeling very pathetic at that moment. “I dress nicely because I like to look nice. That’s it.”

“Bella...” He leaned over, putting his face very close to mine, though I still wouldn’t look at him. “I’m not. Going. Anywhere.”

I was too irritated to really accept what he was saying. “So wait ... I’ve been looking too good lately? What guy says that? I can stop showering if it would make you happy.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Unless you’ve been around a dog, Bella, you’ve always smelled quite nice. You know how your scent sings to me. And when you don’t shower, it’s only concentrated.” His fingertips brushed the spot on my neck just behind my ear at the hairline. I shivered. “Right here especially,” he murmured, his breath stirring my hair. “I’d prefer you never shower, in fact.”

I turned to stare at him, utterly transfixed. “That ... is possibly the most disgusting thing you’ve ever said to me.”

He kissed me, quick and hard, as if annoyed with me. Or perhaps just to prove something. “Bella,” he breathed, looking up at me from under thick lashes. “I want it to stop.”

“The showering? Because ew.”

“The worrying.”

“I’m trying. It’s hard sometimes. You always think you know what’s best for me, usually without even consulting me on the subject. I feel like any day you could change your mind and leave again.”

“If you could read my thoughts right now, you would trust me implicitly. And there’s the real problem, isn’t it? You don’t trust me anymore.”

“That’s not true!”

“I’ve broken you.”

“I’m not a toy, Edward. And you didn’t break me. I wouldn’t be here if I’d really broken.”

Edward didn’t like that at all, probably reminded of my interest in “extreme sports” while we had been separated ... or perhaps Victoria’s return, which he had been absent for. I really could have been broken when all that was happening. His gaze was haunted as he turned his face away from me. He sat there for a minute in silence, shaking his head back and forth pensively. I watched, wondering if I should make another joke about his orange vest to break the silence. I hated it when he started punishing himself, putting too much responsibility on his shoulders.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked instead, unable to read his expression.

His jaw tensed. “I was wishing that I could be a normal teenager for you, Bella. Human. Weak. Grounded. Ever perspiring.”

I made a face. “Ew.”

“I could hold you as tight as I wanted to if I were a human,” he continued, ignoring me. His eyes had gone wistful as he thought about it. “If I had been human in the first place, I never would have been driven to leave you out of fear. You would therefore trust me more, and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. And I certainly would trust myself with you more.”

“Well ... since that’s not going to happen, you could always just turn me into a vampire. All those problems would be solved. Instantly.”

He glowered at me, torn from his thoughts. “Not until you agree to marry me.”

I glowered right back. “Hmph. I think your community service officer is here.” I pointed to the car that had just rolled up behind us. “You should probably go.”

“Fine, Bella. I get your point. Not a subject you care for.” With a final sigh, Edward dropped a kiss on my forehead, his hand on the door handle. “I love you,” he whispered before he slipped out, his breath mingling with mine.

Another little shiver ran through me, despite my annoyance. I needed to hear him say that a lot lately. “I love you, too, Edward. Call me when you’re done, and I’ll pick you up. This is going to take all day, right? And the rest of the week? You’ll have your hours done in no time.”

***

Edward cleaned the entire Forks roadway system in just under two hours.

“Now what am I supposed to do?” he fumed to me later that night after Charlie had gone to sleep. We were lying on my bed together as I picked leaves out of his tangled hair. “Ninety-eight hours to go! Can you please make some calls and ask people to litter tomorrow? I am not going to work at the damn preschool.”

“Hmmm,” I said, thinking. “Charlie was telling me earlier that there are a lot of community service opportunities in the surrounding community. You know all those tiny little houses here and there? The people who live off all by themselves in the middle of the woods? Some of them are elderly or disabled. They can’t do things for themselves like mow their lawn or trim dead tree branches away from their houses. Does that sound like something that might interest you?”

Edward took a moment to consider it. “As long as I don’t have to commune with children, I don’t see why not.”

“What do you have against kids anyway?”

“Nothing,” he said, but his shoulders were tense. “They just ... smell funny.”

“Funny, as in ... grrr, I want to eat them? Or funny, as in ... wow, I didn’t know something that small could produce something so foul in their diaper? Talk about roadside cleanup.”

“Maybe a little of both.” He glanced at me sideways when my mouth fell open. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know I would never harm a child or anyone else for that matter. I resisted you, didn’t I? And you’re the most tempting thing I’ve ever encountered. But ... now you’ve got me curious, Bella. What about you? Do you like children?”

“Me?” I laughed. “Um. No. Big no.”

“No surprise there. Ever the anti-female, you are. Why not?”

“Well, I mean, they’re cute and all. I don’t have a problem with them, per say. I just don’t want to have children of my own. Not for a long, long time anyway. Maybe when I’m fifty and on the verge of menopause.” I bit my lip. If I ever reach fifty, that is, I said silently to myself. I hoped to be a vampire long before then.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Because I’m not ready for a huge step like that, I guess. If you think marriage is bad, try having some little kid attached to your hip at all times.”

“But I don’t think marriage is bad. That would be you.”

“It doesn’t matter, though, does it? We can’t ever have children because you’re not a human.”

“You say that like it’s a good thing.”

“That’s because it is a good thing.”

“You really wouldn’t prefer having a human boyfriend?”

I scoffed incredulously. “Someone like Mike Newton? No thanks.”

Edward stared at me, and I had trouble interpreting his expressionless face. “I can’t help but feel like I’m causing you to miss out on things normal people get to experience,” he murmured.

I reached up to touch his cheek, tracing my fingertips from his hairline down to his jaw. “Edward, can’t you see how happy I am?” I asked, running a finger over his bottom lip. I smiled for good measure, hoping to convince him.

His eyes narrowed at me, as if he could see something in my face that I was unaware of. “I wish you could see yourself, Bella. Or see yourself the way I see you. You’ve changed so very much since that day I left you in the forest. I can’t stand it.”

My smile faded. I hated it when he started talking about this.

“Did you eat dinner tonight?” he asked, making the question sound accusing somehow.

“Yes,” I answered defensively.

“All of it?”

I cringed. “Charlie cooked. And since he’s the antithesis of Bobby Flay, that would mean no – I didn’t finish it.”

Edward’s eyes were threatening to burn holes into my own. “Do you have any idea how thin you are, Bella?”

His question was again accusing, and I felt a surge of anger. “Just what are you implying? I’m not anorexic, Edward. I just don’t have the same appetite I used to have before...”

...we split up, I finished silently. The thought made me wince inside. I felt more pathetic than ever. Maybe Edward wasn’t full of it, after all. Maybe I didn’t realize how different I was from the Bella he’d left in that forest. He would know. He’d only seen the Before and After. He didn’t watch me plummet into darkness, then slowly but surely improve. I was downright radiant compared to what I had been. And here I thought I was doing great.

Edward sat up in the bed quickly, supporting himself with his arms on either side of my head. He stared down at me intensely, looking angry. “You have shadows under your eyes. All the time.”

“So do you.”

“Mine are there for a different reason. Yours are there because you have nightmares every night. I’m the one who gets to listen to them.”

“Look, Edward. I’m sorry that our breakup hit me hard. I’m sorry if that angers you. But I’m trying. Trying really hard to be normal again.”

It was his turn to wince. “I know you are. I just hate watching it is all. It’s not you I’m angry with, but rather myself. I just wish everything could have been different. I never meant to damage you so.”

“I’m not damaged, Edward,” I hissed, turning away from him in a huff. I pulled the covers tightly over my head.

He pulled the covers right back again, and I craned my head around to glare at him. He didn’t say anything else, which was a good thing. He could probably see how angry and embarrassed he was making me. Pushing my hair back from my face, he bent his head down to kiss me. It was light at first, measured and careful, but it soon turned possessive. Persuasive. As if he was trying to tell me, Do you feel how much I want you, Bella? Stop being so absurd. I could almost hear his voice in my head as I kissed him back.

It went on like that for a while, and that suited me just fine. Much better than arguing. But when he groaned against my mouth, I recognized the signs. He was getting too into the kiss and was about to pull away from me. He always kept a firm boundary there, one of the many ways he tried to control himself around me.

Stupid vampire. Always spoiling my fun.

As I lay there in his arms, kissing him while I still had time, I couldn’t help but wonder at the words he’d said earlier. What if Edward were human?

It would be so very different that way. He wouldn’t hold me quite so carefully, I don’t think, with his hands always on my face or shoulders instead of on my body, always restraining the passion behind his kisses, afraid he might hurt me with the sheer magnitude of it. If Edward were human, his lips would be warm against mine instead of ice cold. He would smell different. Feel different under my fingers. His hands might move to unbutton my shirt instead of skimming along my face like I was a porcelain doll. If he were human, we might even have taken our relationship to the next level by now. I had already indicated I was open to that, but he didn’t even consider sex a remote possibility for us.

Did I want that? For Edward to be so utterly different? If I was honest with myself, I had to admit that our lives would be much simpler. But would he still be my Edward? Was it the vampire in him that I loved or just Edward himself? Or were the two already so jumbled together in my mind, so inseparable, that there was no distinction? Would he even feel the same way about me if he wasn’t a vampire and instinctually attracted to my scent? I had no idea.

Painfully predictable, Edward broke off the kiss before it became too passionate. Still nose to nose, he looked rather smugly at me, as if he’d just taught me a lesson.

I stared up at him, panting, a breathless mess. “Looks like I’m not the only one who’s trying too hard to make things right again.”

“Is that a bad thing?” he said, his lips a whisper against my own.

Instead of replying, I only slid my arms around his cool neck and pulled him down to my mouth again. Too many thoughts. Vampire or not, I only wanted Edward.

***

Part Three

“Bye, Charlie!” I called up the stairs. I snatched a piece of toast out of the toaster and reached for the jelly. I was running late, so breakfast was on the go today. “I’m taking Edward to his community service assignment. It’s a bit of a drive out there. I should be back in an hour. I’ll meet you at the station, okay?”

“Hmph,” was the grunt that came in reply. I heard the bathroom door shut, and the shower turn on.

Another precious hour, free from being grounded. Edward needed to get arrested more often.

Holding my toast between my teeth, I shrugged a jacket on and grabbed my keys. There beside the phone was a little piece of paper with names and addresses written on it. I had called our community outreach center earlier that morning and gotten the information of people outside of Forks that needed assistance. If Edward refrained from using his vampiric speed in providing that assistance, he might just be able to squeeze in the rest of his hours.

There were more tiny houses out in the middle of the woods than I thought – many of them decrepit, falling down in disrepair while their inhabitants slowly aged inside. How lonely they must be, I thought. Maybe helping those people out would help Edward feel a little better about himself, too. The self-flagellation was getting annoying, especially since he was involving me in it.

Edward was standing outside, waiting for me beside my truck. His eyes narrowed meaningfully at the piece of toast I held in my hand.

I glared at him – still irritated from our conversation about my weight the previous night – and crammed the entire piece of toast in my mouth. “Did you see that?” I mumbled through the mouthful. “I just shoved a who’ pief of toast in my mouf. Boy, I su’ do love to eat.”

“I’m comforted already,” he said dryly. “Did you get the addresses?”

I handed him the piece of paper, trying to swallow without choking. “There’s a lot of them. Take your pick.”

Edward scanned the list, and after a moment, he tapped his finger on one of the addresses. “Well, that’s interesting.”

“What?”

“This address here. It’s out in the middle of nowhere about thirty or forty miles east. A goat farm. They have a well and everything. No electricity.”

“How do you know? Have you been there?”

Edward shook his head. “No, but Emmett and Jasper have told me about it. They went hunting in that area once. Like I said, goat farm. They said something about the place was strange. The old man that lived there came out and chased them away, though they hadn’t made any noise that would have indicated they were there.” Edward sniggered, his face melting into a huge grin. “Emmett said the man tried to cast a spell on them, but they were too fast and managed to get away. I teased him about that for months.”

“A spell?” I asked, snickering right along with him. “Like a witch or wizard of something? Oh, come on, Edward.”

He glanced over at me, eyebrows raised. “You don’t believe in magic?”

“Pffft. No.”

“And yet you believe in vampires and werewolves.”

“Only because I’ve seen them with my own eyes. Just call me Agent Scully.”

Edward smiled and shrugged. “I don’t believe in it either, for much the same reason. I’ve never seen any evidence of it. But now I’m curious what frightened Emmett and Jasper away. Take me there, to that house first. I need to meet this character face to face. I’ve been teased relentlessly since my arrest. Having something to throw right back at them would be nice.”

I frowned up at him uncertainly. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

Edward grinned at me, mischief shining in his eyes. “You’re not afraid, are you?”

“Of an old man with goats? Yes. Trembling in my boots.” The sarcasm was thick.

“Then let’s go, Scully.”

***

We drove and drove, far outside the borders of Forks. I was a little peeved with Edward. There were houses much closer to us that we could have gone to. We took a winding dirt road along a river bank, up a steep hill, and eventually came to a lovely but overgrown spot in the woods.

There, behind two large pens of goats, stood the saddest little house I’ve ever seen. It had once been white, but mildew and the weather had gotten to it. The fence around the goat pen was in serious disrepair, but the goats inside just chewed and bleated at each other, seemingly unconcerned with the obvious escape routes all around them. Perhaps they were happy there.

Edward whistled under his breath. “This place really needs some help, doesn’t it? I should have brought some paint instead of just tools and lawn equipment. Tomorrow perhaps.”

“It’s pretty sad, all right,” I agreed. “I’ll come with you to the door. I was the one that called the outreach center, so it might be me he’s expecting. Not you. His name is Larry, by the way. Larry Waxman.”

Edward hung back, inspecting a hole in the fence while I trudged through thick weeds toward the front door. It wasn’t creepy at all the way Emmett and Jasper had claimed. Just heartbreaking. Stepping carefully over an overgrown herb garden, I reached the porch, wrinkling my nose at the dirt and weeds that had split through the broken concrete.

The door opened before I could knock, and there behind a tattered screen door stood the most curious person I’ve ever met.

“Hello, Isabella Swan,” he said before I could even open my mouth. The voice was nasal but polite. He smiled at me toothlessly.

I stared at Mr. Larry Waxman, dubious. The reason for the condition of the house was obvious. One of his legs had been amputated below the knee, and the hand that clutched a cane to support himself was missing several fingers. But that wasn’t what made him so peculiar to me. He looked like he’d been locked up for his entire life, probably around sixty years of life from the looks of it, with nothing but a collection of old Star Trek re-runs. The word nerd came to mind, but it was much, much worse than that. This was an eccentric nerd. Thick glasses, low on his nose, which was crowned with an overabundance of nose hair. Stringy, tangled white hair reached far past his scraggly salt-and-pepper beard. He wore dirty jeans and a flannel shirt with a Frodo Lives t-shirt underneath.

A warlock, indeed.

Emmett and Jasper were never going to hear the end of this – from Edward or me. I could see Edward out of the corner of my eye, his mouth curled into a tight smile. He was trying not to laugh, the wheels in his head spinning, probably working out the best insult possible to aim at his brothers.

“H-hi, Mr. Waxman. How do you know my name?” I asked him. “Oh, I guess the people at the community outreach center called you and said we were coming, huh? I’m not staying, though. Just my friend over there.”

Larry squinted in the direction I pointed with his hand over his eyes like a meerkat. I wasn’t convinced he could see past the edge of the porch. “Oh, my...” he murmured, seemingly awestruck when he caught sight of Edward. “That’s no moon.”

I turned and looked behind me. “Um. No. That’s Edward.”

“It’s ... a space station,” he finished breathlessly, wide-eyed as he stared at my boyfriend. “Here to help me? Really? Or here for something else?” He blinked down at me, his eyes huge behind his thick glasses. “He belongs to you, my dear? But you’re no Jedi.”

Ooo-kay. A George Lucas fan, then. Not Star Trek at all. My mistake.

“Yes, he uh ... belongs to me. Sure. He’s going to help you here today with your lawn and fence. Is there anything else he can do? Maybe inside the house? He needs a lot of hours, so don’t be afraid to ask him.”

The man’s face brightened. “I have a cat.”

“That’s ... really nice, Mr. Waxman. Do you, uh, need Edward’s help with the cat?”

He thought about it for a moment. “No. Thank you.”

I could only stare at him blankly. Just ... wow.

“Well, let Edward know if you think of something else for him to do. He’s really quite friendly.”

“Is that so? Yes, I can tell just by looking at him. The force is strong with him. Absolutely amazing!” He suddenly looked delighted. “Tell him he may have one of my goats. And if he does a good job with the fence, I’ll have something else to reward him with. I’ll just go inside and brew it up now. A trifle really. He’ll feel like a new man. You just wait and see how quickly!”

“Oh. Well, that’s very nice of you.” I really didn’t want to ask what Mr. Waxman was intending to make for Edward. Probably bantha fodder or something. “I should be going now. My dad – the police chief – is expecting me.” Couldn’t hurt to let him know I knew someone that owned a gun. Just in case.

“Goodbye, Isabella Swan! Thank you for bringing him by. I must say, I’m quite taken aback by the both of you.”

The feeling was mutual. I smiled and nodded, then turned to walk back toward Edward. He had already taken the lawn equipment and tools out of my truck and had started picking up broken fence boards from the ground, stacking them into a pile.

“This place is a mess,” he murmured. “I might be here a while.”

I nodded my chin back toward the house. “Ben Kenobi over there says you can have a goat. So if you’re feeling peckish after all the work, problem solved. Though I don’t think he meant to eat it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You’re going to give Emmett and Jasper hell over this, aren’t you?”

“Oh my, yes.”

“Can I join in?”

“I would think less of you if you didn’t.”

Grinning, I leaned up to accept his goodbye kiss. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Larry was still standing in the doorway, his mouth ajar as he watched us. When we parted, he smiled and broke out into astonished applause.

Edward knitted his brow, a cautious expression on his face. “Strange,” he murmured to me. “I get the feeling that he knows exactly what I am, though he hardly seems bothered by it. He’s blocking my thoughts, you know. I can’t read his mind.”

I glanced back, only to find that Larry had gone back inside. He was watching us now from the window through an enormous pair of binoculars.

“I think that might be because there’s not much going on in his head to begin with,” I whispered back.

“Hmmm. If you say so.”

I leaned up to kiss him again, unable to keep from smiling when his lips touched mine. “Be nice to him,” I said before I left. “He’s old and confused. I’ll pick you up in a few hours. Call me when you’re done, okay? If I’m not at home, I’ll be at the station with Charlie, helping him with his paperwork.”

***

It was a bumpy and lonely ride back to Forks. Not to mention a long one.

I took a wrong turn and got lost, driving around for over an hour before I found the right road again. It had started to rain, which slowed me down even more. I shook my head, angry at myself. Charlie was going to kill me. I was supposed to meet him an hour ago, and I was going to be even later than that.

My truck worried me. It was making a strange buzzing sound on the way. Again and again at random intervals, hard to pinpoint because of all the road noise. I was going to have to get Charlie or Edward to look at it. I doubted Jacob would even consider it. What was that sound anyway? It sounded almost like ... a cell phone on vibrate, but muted somehow. But I didn’t have one with me, and Edward had his. Unless...

I dug into the crease between the cushions of the seat. Sure enough, my hand closed over something wedged in there, forgotten. I recognized it instantly, all sleek, black, and intimidatingly complicated. Edward’s cell phone. It had probably slipped out of his jacket pocket on the bumpy road out of town. I recognized the picture that smiled back at me, lit up on the screen of the phone. Alice was calling.

I answered it. Edward wouldn’t mind, I was sure. “Hey, Alice. It’s Bella.”

“Bella...” she said, a strange tone in her voice. “Why are you answering Edward’s phone? I’ve been trying to call for over an hour.”

“He left his phone in my truck. It was on vibrate, and I didn’t know what the buzzing was.”

A long pause. “You’re not with him?”

“No.”

“Do you know where he went?” she asked quickly. “It’s important, Bella.”

I frowned. Why did she sound so panicked? That couldn’t be good. “He’s doing his community service, Alice. You know that. He ran out of things to do in town, so he’s been visiting the smaller communities in the area.”

“But you don’t know exactly where he went?”

“I just dropped him off. I have the address, if you want it.”

“Yes. I do. Though I think I’m too late to do anything about it. Oh, Edward, you idiot. You never have your cell phone on you when it really matters, do you? It’s like Italy all over again. At least this time, he didn’t purposely throw it in a trash can.”

That scared me. “Is he in some kind of danger? What do you see, Alice? Is he hurt?” My voice grew more alarmed with each word.

“No, nothing like that, Bella,” she assured me. “Edward will be ... fine.” She said the word like she couldn’t think of a better one. “I really should be going now. May I have that address? I’m going to pick him up right now.”

I gave it to her. “You’ll call me back?”

“If I can. Just relax, Bella. He’ll be fine.”

But there was doubt in her voice. I really hated being lied to by vampires who thought they knew what was best for me. It was starting to become a way of life.

***

Part Four

Once I finally managed to find my way back to Forks, I met Charlie at the police station to help him finish his paperwork. It was my punishment for being allowed out of the house to drive Edward around, and I was in even deeper now that I had run so late after getting lost.

I was uneasy, worried about the phone call with Alice, but there was nothing I could do about it. I could turn around and head right back up to that old house, but with the way Alice drove, they were likely to be gone already. Alice would know what was best. I had to trust in that. But I worked in Charlie’s office quickly, inattentively, fretting and wondering if I could maybe take the paperwork home to work on – just in case Alice or Edward showed up there while I was gone.

Charlie watched me carefully as I tried to sort through a stack of mangled, coffee-ringed papers. I’m sure it was quite evident that I was tense.

“That boyfriend of yours behaving himself?” asked Charlie.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice. Me, uptight? No, not at all. “Yes, Dad,” I replied after I calmed myself enough to speak. “He’s not driving.”

“Hmph. You know I could have had the book thrown at him, Bell. They wanted to try him as an adult. You ought to be thanking me he only got community service.”

I rolled my eyes. I could feel one of Charlie’s famous Edward-lectures coming on. Similar to the way a sore throat signaled the onset of a cold ... or something a lot worse, like the Spanish Influenza. “Thank you, Chief Swan.”

Edward-lecture in three, two...

“You really love that boy that much?” asked Charlie, true to form. “To take him back after everything he did to you?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “I do.”

“Cause that was a pretty rotten thing to do. To just leave you hanging like that for all those months.”

Kneeling on the ground, I dropped a stack of papers in a box with a little more force than necessary. Dust flew in my face. “If you knew how hard he was trying to make it up to me, you might think better of him. I wish you would give him a chance.”

“Jacob Black wouldn’t have done that to you.”

“Jacob Black is barely speaking to me,” I said, interrupting him before he could say more. “You want to talk about someone leaving me hanging? I did nothing to him to deserve that!”

But even as I said it, guilt gnawed at my insides. Nothing except break his heart and his trust in me, that is.

Charlie had his arms crossed over his chest. “Try looking at it from his perspective. I think he had a little crush on you, and here Edward comes back and chases him away. Jacob doesn’t think Edward is good for you either, you know.”

“Yes, I guess you and Jacob are hanging out a lot these days, huh?” I said, not bothering to hide my aggravation. “That’s just great, Dad. But just so you know, Edward didn’t chase Jacob away. He left on his own accord. And there’s no contest there between them. Jacob is my friend, or he used to be anyway. I just can’t think of him as more than that.”

“Jacob is a better match for you, Bella,” said Charlie, leaning forward in his chair. “He’s ... oh, what’s the word? Warmer than that Edward. Friendlier. Less reckless with you.”

“Less reckless?” I scoffed. “You do remember the motorcycle and the cliff-diving, don’t you? Edward treats me like I’m made of glass.”

The color of Charlie’s face shifted to something that resembled a ripe plum. The topic of motorcycles was a bit of a no-no around him. “Hmph,” he grunted, not wanting to admit that I had just made a darn good argument against Jacob. “So how serious are you two anyway?”

I shrugged. “Serious.”

“We talking marriage or what?”

“Ugh!” I cried, dropping another pile of papers into the box, this time without meaning to. I missed, and the pages scattered all over the place.

“I have a right to know, Bella. I’m your father.”

“No marriage!”

Charlie’s jaw tightened, but he looked slightly appeased. “Well, good. You’re too young.”

“That’s exactly what I told him.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Charlie’s eyes widened. “Edward ... proposed to you?”

“Um...” I stooped to the floor to avoid answering the question, keeping my eyes averted as I started scooping up the fallen papers.

My hesitance answered his question just as plainly as if I had voiced it. I thought the vein on his forehead might pop. “You said no, right?”

“Obviously,” was my heated answer.

Charlie’s eyes cleared, and he beamed at me, delighted. The vein on his forehead relaxed and turned a more nature shade. “That’s my girl.”

“Oh, Dad, just stop it,” I muttered, gathering the last of the fallen pages into a messy stack. It was difficult work because my hands were shaking. Even distracted by Charlie, my thoughts were still on Alice and Edward. I felt sick with nerves, deep in the pit of my stomach. Closing my eyes, I tried to rub some of the tension out of the back of my neck and just relax. It didn’t work.

“Well, I can’t help it if I want my little girl safe,” said Charlie begrudgingly. “Hey ... what’s wrong with you today anyway? You look like you’ve got ants in your pants.”

“I hate that saying,” I grumbled. “What does it even mean?”

“It means you won’t sit still. You look like you’re about to bolt for the door. You wanna tell your old man what’s going on?”

Yes. I did want to tell him. But that might not be the best idea. Hand still rubbing at the knot in my neck, I sat down on the floor next to the box of papers and weighed my options.

Option one: tell Charlie the truth about what was happening with Edward and Alice. And then, because he was Charlie, he would tell me to suck it up and finish my work and remind me exactly what it meant to be grounded. Option two: I could pretend to be sick and ask to go home. Whereupon Charlie wouldn’t believe me because he wasn’t stupid, and then there would be more grounding because I had lied. Option three: I could just make a run for the door. But call me crazy ... that might look a little suspicious. Again, cause for another grounding.

“Charlie,” I said, eyes on the floor as I pondered. He had to know I was being serious now. I was using his first name. “I think I need to go home. Now. I can take this paperwork with me to organize there if you want me to.”

Charlie’s face was devoid of expression. “I would have thought you would have liked to be out of the house. You’ve still got a ways to go with that grounding sentence of yours,” he reminded me, but there was no heat behind his words. I could tell he was concerned, but he wasn’t convinced yet.

I suddenly remembered something that might make him understand the urgency burning in my chest. “Dad, do you remember when I was little and had that high fever? When I was in Forks, visiting you that one summer?”

He nodded, chewing on the end of a pen cap. “You were six years old. Your temperature was one-hundred and five by the time I got you to the emergency room. They said I got you there right in time. Any later and it might have done some real damage to you.”

“But do you remember the rest? You said you woke up in the middle of the night and just knew somehow that something was wrong with me. That I was sick and needed you.”

“Well, sure, Bell. When you’re a parent, you’ll understand the feeling.”

“I already understand it.” I stared at him, trying to make him understand. “Dad, something’s wrong. I don’t know how I know. I just do. I need to go home right now.”

Charlie gazed right back at me for several long moments, chewing on that pen cap, weighing my words. Perhaps it was the story I’d chosen, or perhaps it was the look on my face, but he took his feet off of his desk and stood up. “I’ll get my keys,” he said, giving me a little nod.

“Why your keys and not mine?” I asked, already shrugging into my jacket to leave. “I have my truck here.”

“Because I’m driving you.”

***

Alice’s car was parked outside of our house when we pulled up in Charlie’s police cruiser.

“Now, Bella, just wait! Not until I stop the car completely!”

But I was free of my seatbelt and out of the car before it came to a complete stop. Behind me, Charlie growled and put the car in park while it was still inching up the driveway. It screeched to a halt. He cut the engine and got out in a rush, trying to catch up with me.

“You slow down, and wait for me,” I heard him call out behind me. “I’m serious, Bella!”

But I was already at the porch, trying the door handle. It was unlocked. Inside, I heard a crash upstairs, as if someone clumsy had tripped over something or had fallen. I froze. That certainly didn’t sound like Edward or Alice up there. No vampire made noises like that. They didn’t trip or stumble.

Maybe it was because I was the police chief’s daughter, or maybe it was because of my run-ins with characters like James or Victoria, but I instinctively reached for the closest weapon. Perhaps not the most effective one – it was a lamp – but if it wasn’t something supernatural up there, I might actually be able to do some damage with it.

Alice appeared before my vision so suddenly that I had to stifle a scream. “Bella! Where have you been?” she hissed.

“I was...”

“Never mind that!” she said, cutting me off before I could answer her question. “I need your help. Edward needs to stay here with you. I can’t bring him back to the house like this.” Her eyes shifted to the doorway, quick like a cat’s. “Oh. Hello, Chief Swan. Sorry to barge in like this. It’s sort of an emergency.”

Charlie had stumbled into the house behind me. “Alice,” he said in a clipped tone. He still liked Alice, but there was a bit of anger there. After all, she had been the one who had taken me away without warning for three days to find Edward, which had led to my grounding in the first place. “I’m sorry, but it’s not Bella’s visiting hours right now. She’s still grounded, you know. You and your brother need to go home.”

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked her pleadingly, ignoring my father.

“He’s sick, Bella!” said Alice, and the expression on her face terrified me. It reminded me of when she’d foreseen Edward make the decision to go to the Volturi. “I don’t know how, but he’s sick! I left him in your room. I need to go find Carlisle. He and Esme are out hunting and aren’t answering their phones. Can you watch over him until I get back? I’ll try to get word to Emmett and Rosalie so that they can come help you. Listen to me, Bella – don’t let Jasper anywhere near Edward, okay? That’s very important.”

“S-sure.”

“Now wait just a second...” started Charlie.

“I’m sorry, Chief Swan!” Alice turned urgent eyes on me and said, as if trying to tell me something, “I really can’t take him home like this. I’ll explain later.”

I didn’t catch her meaning, and the doubt left me trembling.

Alice left without another word, moving a little faster than she should have under Charlie’s watchful gaze. He and I stared at the front door as it slammed, stunned. My heart pounded in my throat. Upstairs, I distinctly heard the sound of Edward crying out in pain. It was a choked scream. Something hit the floor with a crash.

Charlie heard it, too. He pushed me back behind his body protectively. “What the hell? Is that Edward? Bella, stay here.”

“Like hell!” I gasped back at him. I thundered up the stairs right on Charlie’s heels, pushing at his back, urging him to move faster. I’m not sure how, but I already knew what I was going to find. And sure enough...

Edward was writhing on my bedroom floor, his face twisted in an expression of pure agony.

He wasn’t crying out anymore. I think the pain must have gone beyond that.

Charlie swore loudly and rushed to Edward’s side to help. And me? I could only just stand there in the doorway with that stupid lamp still in my hands, wide-eyed and horror stuck.

It reminded me so much of Italy – when Jane had taken hold of Edward with her cruel, torturous gaze – that I looked around to see if she was there in my bedroom somewhere, hidden with her crimson eyes shining with pitiless indifference. But we were alone.

“Edward?” asked Charlie, gripping him by the shoulders. “Edward! Look at me, boy! Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

There was no answer. Edward had stopped writhing and had become eerily still in Charlie’s arms. How strange he looked. Like a ragdoll, limp and lifeless. Lashes dark against his white cheek. His skin was paler than normal, yet flushed somehow, covered in beads of sweat. But that wasn’t right. I had to be seeing things.

Charlie pried one of Edward’s closed eyes apart, and swore again when he saw the dilated pupils. “Is he on drugs, Bella?” he asked me urgently. “I need to know!”

Unable to speak, I could only shake my head.

“Are you positive? I think he just had a seizure or a heart attack or something. Call 911, Bella. Now! He’s not breathing!”

Charlie started CPR. I wanted to tell him that was just silly ... Edward didn’t have a heartbeat. Edward didn’t need to breathe. But Edward wasn’t moving. I had never seen him unconscious or even asleep because that wasn’t possible.

Charlie reared on me. “Bella! 911, now!”

“Edward...?” I whispered, slowly feeling myself grow hysterical.

And then Edward gasped and opened his eyes.

He rolled over onto his side, gripping his stomach with a gut-wrenching moan, and started coughing violently. Gasping for air. Clutching at the carpet with pale, shaking hands.

Charlie knelt over him, slapping him on the back. “It’s okay, son. I’ve got you. Just breathe! ”

Edward’s coughs slowed but still he wheezed. His lungs sounded congested, incapable of giving him the oxygen he inexplicably seemed to need at that moment. Sweat dripped from his brow onto the floor. Charlie eased him over gently onto his back, holding the back of his head with one hand and checking his pulse at the neck with the other.

“He’s okay, Bella,” said Charlie, looking just as scared and shaken as I was. “But we need to get him to the hospital. His heart is about to beat out of his chest.”

I didn’t budge a millimeter. Standing. Staring. Ready to faint. Edward’s eyes slowly peeled apart, bloodshot and dazed, and he looked right at me.

They were a clear, piercing green.

He licked his lips, pale from pain. “Bella?” he whispered, still gasping. His voice sounded strange to me. Still soft and refined, but huskier somehow. Less musical.

The lamp slipped from my fingers and crashed to the floor at my feet. I didn’t notice.

Edward wasn’t Edward at all.

He was human.

***

To be continued.

Author’s Note: I find it very ironic that I have two stories going at the moment. One where Bella is a vampire, and now one where Edward is a human. It’s a bit of a mind-f*ck. :) I had an eccentric Brent Spiner in my head when I created the character of Larry Waxman. Just in case you’re interested.

Something that inspired other issues in this story ... I think that Bella got over the whole Edward-dumping-her thing far too quickly in the novels. I get that she was happy to have him back and completely buy everything that Stephenie Meyer wrote, but I think there was a lot we didn’t see that took place between New Moon and Eclipse. I plan on exploring that in this story.

Why? Well, read for yourself. This one passage inspired this entire story.

"I'll earn your trust back somehow," he murmured, mostly to himself. "If it's my final act."

"I trust you," I assured him. "It's me I don't trust. ... I don't trust myself to be… enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you."

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," he whispered. "Never doubt that."

But how could I not?

- From New Moon, written by Stephenie Meyer. (Not me!) After Edward and Bella have been reunited at the end of the book. Several lines omitted for brevity’s sake.

Citizen Erased -- Chapter Two

2008-07-21T00:51:43Z

Citizen Erased -- Chapter One

2008-07-20T00:50:39Z

The Small Print -- Chapter One

2008-07-18T19:24:40Z

Spiral Static -- Final Chapter & Epilogue

2008-07-17T21:14:39Z

Summary: His lips were still curled in a smile as he touched them to mine again and again in a rain of soft kisses. “I’m not laughing at you,” he repeated, each word whispered between a kiss. “I’m adoring you.” Edward/Bella.

Previous Installments:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three & Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine

***

Spiral Static
Written by Coquette

Author’s Note: Another long chapter. Twice as long as the others, believe it or not. Lots of ground to cover. There are some lines below that are lifted directly from Stephenie Meyer’s books. You’ll understand why when you read the chapter. Let’s just say I personally think Bella narrates the books in first person for a reason.

And now my obligatory disclaimer ... I am making no money from this. I never will. Don’t sue me, k? I luv ur werk, Steffenee, 4 srsly kbai.

***

Part Ten

I looked down at the present Edward offered me with a measurable amount of discomfort.

“You know how I feel about gifts,” I told him, frowning at the package. It was flat and rectangular, wrapped in plain, brown paper. Obviously a book of some sort. Curiosity tugged at me.

Edward set the present down on the bed in front of me. “You’ll want this one. Don’t worry. It wasn’t expensive.”

Shoulders still tense with reluctance, I sighed and opened it.

It was a blank journal. And Edward was lying. It was obviously very expensive. It was made of hand-bound leather of the highest quality, the edges of each page laced with gold. There was an intricate design pressed into the leather – trees and stars, a partially eclipsed moon in the background. Twilight, it said in small embossed print at the bottom. It was beautiful, but for some reason, it struck me as an odd gift to receive.

“You need to write down your story, Bella,” he said when I looked up at him in confusion.

“I do?”

“So that you’ll be sure to remember us after you’re turned.”

I blinked, surprised. “I’m sorry. Say that again?”

Edward ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair as he sat down on the bed next to me. He chose his words with care as if he wanted to soften something for me. “It doesn’t work the same for everyone. Transitioning into a vampire is unpredictable, Bella. Just for the first year or two. Everything will be normal after that.”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“The change can be disorienting. You might not remember me for a while. Carlisle thinks it’s just the mind protecting itself against the trauma of the turning.”

I continued to stare at him for a long time, almost forgetting to breathe. “I could forget you?” I asked, my voice shaky.

“It’s possible,” he said frankly. “For a little while anyway. It’s always different, depending on the person. It could last an hour, or it could last...” He trailed off, sighing. “... Well, more than an hour. Do you still want to go through with it?”

I ignored his question – that wasn’t even an option anymore – and asked one of my own. “I ... I’ll have what I write down in my journal to read after I’m turned? To remind me?”

“That’s the general idea, yes. I think it would be a comfort to you.”

I accepted the gift without further resistance.

There, in that cramped little inn in Switzerland, I began to write my story. Feverishly. Terrified I wouldn’t remember every second of my time spent with Edward. Or that I wouldn’t remember it the same way. My initial reaction to Edward coming into my life was so very human in nature, so defined by the fact that he was a vampire and I wasn’t, that I wanted to be sure that I would never forget the fascination and obsession I felt when I first laid eyes on him. I didn’t understand how a vampire mind worked. I could only hope I would want and feel the same things after it was done.

I didn’t write about my childhood in the journal. I barely talked at all about my life before the moment when Renée first drove me to the airport to live in Forks with Charlie. That’s when my life really started, after all. I only sort of existed before then. What started as a personal chronology turned into something else entirely. I filled up the first journal in a day, then bought another ... and another. Ink stains became a constant feature of the skin on my fingers. My hands ached, my fingers so cramped and sore that I could barely move them.

So Edward bought me a laptop.

I accepted it only on the condition that he return it once we got back home or keep it for himself. Typing was much easier on my hands than writing with a pen. I was at it constantly as we traveled through Austria and Germany, encompassed by the safety of the Cullen family. I wasn’t going to forget anything. Not a single glance. Not the way I felt when I first saw him. And it wasn’t just thoughts of Edward that drove me ... but thoughts of Charlie and Jacob and all of the Cullens as well. Even ridiculous Mike Newton.

***

"Edward Cullen is staring at you," Jessica giggled in my ear.

"He doesn't look angry, does he?" I couldn't help asking.

***

"My name is Edward Cullen," he continued. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan."

***

He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"
"Frequently," I admitted.

***

I kept going and going. Words poured out of me. Hundreds of pages, all flashing before my eyes like a movie. James and the dance studio. The terrible break-up with Edward. My blossoming friendship with Jacob, which turned into something else entirely. The Volturi. Victoria and her newborns, which I didn’t like to think about too hard. The incident in Paris on our honeymoon.

I finished the story on the airplane headed back home to Washington, taking out my laptop every now and again to type a little more if something noteworthy happened. Edward was thumbing through the first journal with a strange look on his face.

“Is this really how women think?” he murmured.

I bit my lip and shrugged. “I guess. It’s how I think. I’m a woman.”

“Mind-boggling.” He shook his head in wonder as he turned a page. “It’s good though, Bella. Simple, but it really evokes an emotional response. Perhaps I should do this, too. Tell our story from my point of view, I mean. It’s a bit different from yours.”

“Can I read it when you’re finished?”

“We’ll see. When you’re ready.”

I rested my cheek on his shoulder, exhausted. I had been pouring my heart out for days, barely pausing to sleep. “You didn’t mind, did you? That we didn’t see much on the rest of our honeymoon? We could have done so much exploring if I hadn’t been so adamant about staying in the hotel to write.”

He pressed his face into my hair, his arm tightening around my shoulders. “As long as I was able to look at you, Bella,” he assured me, “and smell your scent, believe me when I say I was perfectly content.”

***

On the night I was to be turned – the very last day of the month, as decreed to us – Edward asked me what my favorite meal in the world was. Something I couldn’t live without.

“Pizza,” I said immediately. “Pepperoni with extra cheese. And a Coke with lots of ice.”

That night, back at Charlie’s house in Forks, Edward made a pizza for me. He wasn’t very good at cooking, but he went at it with such dedication and attention to detail, I couldn’t help but smile when he presented me with something just shy of edible. His idea of “extra cheese” was something to behold. It dripped off of the pan and onto the table in a greasy smear. My last meal. Just like I was on death row awaiting lethal injection. The metaphor wasn’t entirely inaccurate.

Charlie ate with us. “Edward?” he said after taking a bite. “I gotta say, son. This is the shittiest damn piece of pizza I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.”

Coke nearly went up my nose.

I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. It was a good ten seconds before I could speak. “It’s not that bad,” I protested, a bit unwillingly. Edward had, after all, tried his best. I don’t think his feelings were hurt. He wasn’t even listening. Just sort of staring at me with that grim expression on his pale face. He looked anxious, troubled. It was pretty easy to guess what he was thinking about. The clock was ticking.

Charlie had noticed Edward’s sullen mood as well. “You okay over there? You look like you’re not feeling too well.”

I kicked Edward under the table, which admittedly wasn’t the best idea. It was like kicking the Empire State Building. He jolted slightly, torn from his thoughts, then sat up a little straighter in his chair. “Yes, sir. I guess I’m just a little under the weather.”

“I see you’re not eating,” Charlie pointed out. “I guess you already had some of this pizza here while you were busy in the kitchen. No wonder you’re sick.”

“Dad...” I murmured, trying to keep from giggling. “Be nice.”

“Well, I guess I’m not that great of a cook myself. And now you’re taking Bella away again on another trip. Looks like I’m not going to have another hot meal for a while.” Charlie dropped his napkin on his plate to hide what he hadn’t eaten. “Bella, are you sure you should be leaving again so soon after just getting back from your honeymoon? Another trip right after the first ... isn’t that a little much?”

There was no second trip planned, of course. We had just told Charlie that for his own sake. I probably wouldn’t be seeing him for a while.

“I wanted to come see you before I left again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to come home before the fall semester starts at college.” Tears sprung into my vision as I said it. Poor Charlie. He had no idea that I would never even arrive on campus.

“Oh?” he asked, looking strangely small sitting there in his chair. “Well. I guess that’s your choice. You’re a grown woman now. I’m glad you did, Bell – come home for a visit, I mean. I’m going to miss you.” He turned toward Edward, his face becoming stern. It was the same face he used when he pulled traffic violators over. “You gonna take care of my little girl, now? She’ll need looking after since I won’t be there. You know the kind of messes she can get herself into.”

Edward looked into Charlie’s eyes for the first time since we had arrived. “Don’t worry,” he promised in his velvety tone. “I’ll keep her safe.”

***

In the car, I cried when we left Charlie behind. I turned my face away from Edward so he wouldn’t see, but he knew all the same. He held my hand within his own and said nothing. His thumb traced little circles on my wrist, always centering in on where my pulse beat – for just a little while longer, anyway. He had already made me call Renée. I was so happy I’d gotten to see her at the wedding.

Time was slipping by so fast that my head was starting to spin.

“Jacob’s never going to forgive me,” I whispered, not even realizing I had said the words out loud.

Edward glanced over at me with hollow eyes. I didn’t know how to interpret his expression – that same tense, anxious energy mixed with something that resembled longing. He was probably wondering if I would have been better off with Jacob. But there was something else there in his eyes – like he was readying himself for a fight. I suppose in a way, we both were. This wasn’t going to be easy on anyone.

Through the window, I watched as we passed our turnoff. It wasn’t like Edward to miss a turn. “Are we not going to your house now?”

“No,” he answered quietly. “One last stop.” Then he squeezed my hand reassuringly, turning to offer me a sad reflection of a smile.

He took me to our meadow. It was twilight, the sun having already slipped beyond the blazing horizon. Clouds pressed in from the north, threatening the area with a storm. But for now, it was clear. I breathed deeply of the evening air, feeling nostalgic, happy to be home and surrounded by good memories. I turned to see Edward standing to the side, watching me with his hands in his pockets.

I reached out my hand to him, beckoning.

We lay together amidst the grasses and flowers for a long time – nuzzling, kissing, touching each other’s faces – until the sky grew black. Thunder rolled in the distance, signaling the approach of the storm.

There in the meadow, where no lights from the town touched the horizon because of the trees, the woods fell into thick, impenetrable darkness. I don’t know why exactly, but it frightened me, like it was somehow a physical manifestation of the dark, uncertain place I was about to enter into. A chill went through me and only worsened when Edward tried to pull me close.

“I can’t see anything anymore,” I whispered, sitting up and straining my eyes against the darkness.

“It’s all right, Bella,” his gentle voice said. I felt him sit up beside me, reaching over to tangle his fingers in my hair, drawing me back to him. “I’ve got you. Just a little longer now. Alice is about to call.”

As if on cue, his cell phone rang, piercing through the silence. He answered it before the first ring was finished. “Yes, I’ve got her here now. Did they agree? I know it’s difficult to see with them involved, but how long, do you think? All right. I’ll bring her.”

I stared at the indistinct outline of his profile, mystified. What was that all about?

“We need to go now, Bella,” said Edward as he rose to his feet. He said it like he was asking a question. Thinking back, I guess he was doing just that.

I hesitated, chewing on my lower lip, a familiar nervous habit. Then, taking a deep breath, I reached up and accepted his outstretched hand. “I’m ready.”

***

When we arrived, I was surprised to find the Cullen residence engaged in much more activity than I anticipated.

I’m not sure what I expected, really. Hardly a funeral dirge to be playing or anything, but it did strike me as odd. Everyone seemed to be getting ready, darting here and there around the house, some going as far as to gather in the doorway. I decided that they all must be going somewhere, perhaps to give us some privacy. That was for the best. I didn’t think I wanted them around when ... well, when the biting started. Aside from me, only Edward and Carlisle were supposed to be there when it happened. I’d made them both promise it wouldn’t be a spectacle.

The way that they were all glancing at me made me feel strange. They almost looked ... amused. Like they knew something I didn’t. It was the way adults looked at children after being handed a sticker-encrusted letter to mail to Santa Claus. Sort of, Oh, isn’t that just precious? I didn’t like it at all.

I asked Edward about it. “I hadn’t noticed,” was his reply. He sounded angry, another thing I hadn’t expected.

I glanced over at him to ask another question – then shut my mouth in surprise.

Edward’s face had completely transformed from the one I had stared into in the meadow. There he had been all sweetness – sad, yes, but still adoring. Now, he just looked murderous. His eyes had shifted to that flat black color that made my heart jump into my throat. His fingers twitched anxiously, and he glanced at his watch. He wasn’t really paying attention to me, but his glare wasn’t aimed at anyone else in the room.

“Did I do something to upset you?” I asked, taken back.

He looked over at me, eyes flickering back to amber. “What? No.”

“You look like you’re about to kill someone.”

“Just ... getting focused is all.”

Holy crap. I didn’t know biting someone took so much focus. Or anger. Was it going to be that difficult for him?

Alice came down the stairs two at a time, grinning madly. “They’re in the city limits, now. They’ll be here in two minutes and thirty-six seconds. Edward, stop making that awful face. You’re scaring Bella.”

My heartbeat continued to pound in my throat, my head feeling light and dizzy from the sudden rush of adrenaline. What was she talking about?

“Is he with them?” asked Edward in a seething tone.

Alice shook her shorn hair. “No, not that I can see. He must be pretty sure that we’ve already done it.”

Edward didn’t appear to like that at all. He breathed a string of curses from between clenched teeth. Thunder sounded in the distance, closer than last time. A gust of wind swept through the trees outside. The storm was getting closer.

“Relax, Edward,” said Carlisle, removing his nice leather jacket and placing it on the back of the sofa. “That’s a good thing. It will make this easier. Now is everyone ready?” Nods all around the room from each of the seven members of the family. Only I stood there, dumbfounded. “Edward, Bella will obviously need to stay here. She doesn’t need to see this or be put in danger.”

“What are you all talking about?” I begged, anger and confusion causing my voice to raise an octave in pitch. “See what?”

“Someone will need to stay here with her,” said Edward, nodding his chin at me. “I’m not taking a chance that one of them will come here.”

“What about you?” asked Esme. “She looks terrified, Edward. Was it really necessary to keep her in the dark about this?”

“Yes, it was. And no, I’m not going to stay here. This is my fight before it’s anyone else’s.”

“Alice will stay,” offered Jasper. “I don’t want her out there anyway.”

“Well, that’s no fun,” pouted Alice. “No offense, Bella. Only one minute until they’re here, everyone. The wolves must be close because I can’t see anything anymore. You better go meet them before they get any closer to the house. I’ll stay with Bella and keep her out of trouble.”

I watched with huge, perplexed eyes as everyone began filing out of the room. Wolves? Was Jacob coming for me? I began to tremble.

Edward lingered long enough to kiss me and whisper, “I’ll explain everything when we get back. Now stay with Alice and do what she says, all right? I love you, Bella.”

***

Alice was incredibly unhelpful.

“You’re really not going to tell me what’s going on, are you?” I asked for the millionth time.
“Hmmm?” she asked, not looking up from what she was doing.

She was attacking my hair with a curling iron, cosmetics and hair supplies splayed out on every available surface before us. I was barely able to sit still, only kept in place by the fear of getting burned. I think she had planned it that way. “This is just mean, Alice. You have to tell me!”

“Oh. Well, Edward wouldn’t be very happy with me if I did that.” She thought about it, her eyes going a bit unfocused. “Yes, there would definitely be name calling. Oh – well, that wasn’t a very nice thing to call me, was it?”

I didn’t ask.

“Of course,” Alice continued, “Edward knows how smart you are. If you figure it out on your own, he can’t really get mad at me, can he?”

“Okay. So obviously they were going to fight someone.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You mentioned the wolves out there. Oh, Alice, tell me the werewolves haven’t caught wind of me being changed over?”

“No, they’re not going to fight the werewolves. We called them. They’re going to help with the fighting. Just like with Victoria. They really do like you, you know. We haven’t told them anything about the deadline for changing you over.”

Another thought occurred to me when Alice said the word deadline. There were people in the world – or more accurately, monsters – that had particular interest in my mortal deadline. I nearly jumped out of the chair, held only in place by Alice’s heavy hand upon my shoulder. “The Volturi aren’t here, are they?” I squeaked, gripping the arm rests in alarm.

“Hmmm. Not exactly. Close, though.”

I stared at her blankly. That ... could possibly be worse. It wasn’t so much that I was incomprehensive at that moment – I just didn’t want to comprehend. Fear twisted in my gut that I hadn’t felt since that horrible night, alone in that hotel room, fearing for Edward’s life. “It’s not ... those other vampires, is it? The ones from Paris?”

Alice nodded, grinning enthusiastically. “Hey, can I paint your nails? We still have another minute before they get back. It’s all over now. The wolves are gone, so I can see.”

“But ... oh, my God. Did they...?” I trailed off, unable to string together coherent sentences.

“Oh, relax. They made sport of them. Ten vampires against six are pretty tough odds to beat, but add the werewolves and a vengeful Edward? Trust me, Bella. It was over fast. Well, except for that creepy leader vamp. He never showed.” Alice frowned, pondering. “I wonder how he was able to block me anyway? I never even suspected what was happening to you both in Paris.”

I remembered the feel of leather gloves on my wrist, twisting my arm cruelly, ruthless words spelled out to me in the politest of tones. The remembrance of him – that malicious, beautiful creature – made a new kind of fear settle into my stomach. I didn’t like the idea of him still out there somewhere, able to hide his presence with ease from Edward and Alice. He could be at the window, watching us, or he could be far, far away. I would never know until he decided to show his face.

“Oh, and Bella? Don’t mention the leader to Edward, okay? He’s pretty sore about it. Once he gets his mind set on revenge, he’s a bit difficult to sway. He wanted to kill the leader tonight in particular.”

Lightning flashed in the windows, and a crack of thunder followed a second later. I turned toward to glance out into the living room, anxious for the Cullens to return, and gasped in surprise when I saw a dark figure looming there in the doorway.

“Oh hey, Edward,” said Alice without bothering to turn around. “Did you have fun?”

Edward stepped from the shadows, his face still dour but calmer now. I supposed I understood now why he had been so tense all evening. I had misinterpreted it. He had known that those vampires were on their way to ... check on us, for want of a less violent phrase.

“Obviously,” he said, his voice low and smooth, almost dangerous.

“Bella, your hair is done now,” said Alice, setting the curling iron down. “It’s very becoming this way. I’ll just leave you two alone now so you can talk. Edward, be sensible, okay? She figured out what was going on all by herself.”

Giving Edward a meaningful glance, Alice slipped from the room without another word. Edward and I stood before one another from across the room. I felt strangely uncertain.

“The vampires from Paris?” I asked, my voice barely audible over the rain pounding on the roof.

Edward nodded his head silently toward the rain-speckled window. Lightning lit up the sky, and I could barely make out a pillar of smoke rising in the distance. I wondered how they got the fire going so well in the rain.

Hugging myself, I turned back to face him. “We’re still going to have to go through with it, you know. Just because you killed them doesn’t mean the Volturi are just going to stop.” Not to mention the vampire leader, I added silently.

“Yes, about that...” Edward murmured, coming close. I could see him better now. He was soaked from the rain, his hair still somehow managing to defy gravity, even wet.

I stiffened, ready for another fight. “You promised me you wouldn’t try to stop me anymore.”

“I know what I promised. I have no intention of stopping you.”

That made me pause, curious. I said nothing, letting my eyes ask the questions.

His hands dropped to my shoulders, and he dipped his face down until it was very close to mine. “Now that we’re free of certain distractions, Bella, I want to have a little talk with you. I hope it has become very plain to you that I am not going to let anything steal this choice away from you. If I have to start a war to prove that, so be it.”

“You didn’t have do that for me, Edward,” I replied, my voice shaking with emotion. “They would have left us alone if we had just gone through with it.”

Edward scoffed. “No, they really wouldn’t have. Trust me, I know their type. They thrive on controlling and manipulating people. And Bella ... I didn’t kill them for you. Call me selfish, but that was all for my own gratification. I killed them because of what they did. Because they took the choice out of your hands. I told you once, long ago, that I have a little problem with my temper. Surely you’ve noticed it once or twice by now. Do you really think I was going to let that short, stuck-up ...” and here he strung out a list of curse words I’ve never even heard before “...ill-refined midget touch you like that and get away with it?”

Again, I saw the vampire leader in my mind – like a quartz statue, perfectly sculpted. The memory made me feel strange. The way he had looked at me, as if he could see right through my clothes to my bare skin, made my stomach twist urgently. “But he’s still out there somewhere,” I told Edward. “Alice told me he didn’t come tonight.”

“I’ll deal with that when the time comes,” Edward swore, squeezing my shoulders reassuringly. “But now we’ve sent him a message, haven’t we? We protected you from Victoria and James. This will be no different. We’ve destroyed his support base. It’s likely he won’t show his face here for a long time, if ever again.”

“Oh,” I said. “Hmmm.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just...” I trailed off, blushing a bit.

Edward looked at my expression suspiciously. “Tell me.”

“Well. I mean, I’m glad he didn’t show up here,” I stammered, feeling my cheeks burn. “And yeah, it’s a little scary that he’s still out there somewhere, like those times when James and Victoria were after me...”

“But?” prompted Edward, eyebrows raised.

“Well...” I swallowed with difficulty, my throat suddenly dry. “He was prettier than James. And definitely Victoria. I was just remembering, is all.” My cheeks blazed red.

Edward stared at me, unblinking.

“You’re pretty, too!” I offered quickly, all in a rush, babbling from the embarrassment. “Very, very pretty, and have I mentioned how much I love your hair? It’s very 90210 today.”

“Bella.” Edward said my name in that tone that meant I was in trouble.

“You know ... Jason Priestley. Luke Perry. The sideburns all long and the top all crazy-like?”

He clenched his teeth. “Bella. ”

Tentatively, I cracked a hopeful smile. “Yes, Edward?”

He fixed me in place with an intense gaze and cupped my face in both of his hands. He dropped one possessive kiss on my mouth, hard and uncompromising, his lips closed against mine. My insides promptly liquefied, and all other thoughts fled from my mind but those that centered around Edward. He kept me there until I my legs turned to jelly, shaking beneath me. Then he pulled back to stare at me victoriously. “Hush.”

I could barely open my eyes, dazed, so I sort of just bobbed my head up and down at him.

“Here I am trying to be serious, and you’re talking about my hair,” he scolded. “And I do not have Luke Perry hair, Bella. And how could you possibly like him?” His voice rose in pitch with every syllable. I could tell by his tone that he wasn’t referring to an actor in his last question.

“I didn’t like him!” I cried defensively, finally finding my voice. “He was evil and terrible, and he hurt you! I just...”

Edward put a hand over his face and groaned.

“... found him interesting is all.”

“You are so utterly ridiculous.”

I deflated. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m not thinking straight tonight. Nothing is happening the way I thought it would. What does any of it even mean?”

He sighed sharply. “It means that now you at least have a chance at deciding your own fate. You deserve a choice in this matter.”

I grew solemn, frowning up at him. In the excitement of the evening, I kept forgetting the real reason I was here at the Cullen house. The clock was still ticking. Somewhere, Carlisle was waiting for us.

“You still don’t want me to become a vampire, do you?”

“That doesn’t matter anymore. I promised you in Switzerland I wouldn’t say anything else to dissuade you. Neutral, right? You’re the one who needs to want it, Bella. Not me. This is your decision now, and yours alone.”

Tears stung the corners of my eyes. “You could have told me what you had planned, Edward. You left me thinking I was going to be forced into this. That I didn’t have a choice. Working through all of this mentally ... I know I’ve tried to keep my chin up, but it hasn’t been easy. I didn’t expect you to turn it all on its head like this.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t easy. That was rather the point. I wanted it to be the most difficult thing you’ve had to face in your life. I wanted to scare you into realizing the reality and finality of it. I wanted you to write down our story, yes because of the reasons I told you regarding your memories – but also so that you could see what a good life you have. Bella, you becoming a vampire is not going to complete us. We’re already complete. You do this only for yourself. If this is the life you want – cold, hard, never sleeping – then that’s one thing. But I’m not going to stand by and let you destroy something that’s already perfect just because you’re afraid of the Volturi or because you think I’ll cast you aside as you age. You told me in Switzerland that I was stronger than I realized. You were right, Bella. I am in control, and so are you. We don’t have to do anything tonight except what we want to. Does that make sense, Bella? Why are you crying?”

I had melted down as he spoke, trembling under the cold hands that still rested on my shoulders. “I don’t know,” I choked out. I didn’t resist as he pulled me close, cupping the back of my head with his hand. I couldn’t close my eyes. They were wide with fear and uncertainty, tears leaking from the corners unchecked. Edward said nothing, save for breathing my name into my hair soothingly.

I did know why I was crying, though. I had realized ... it really was my decision, wasn’t it?

I didn’t even know where to start. I was lost in that moment, floating. Everything within me ached. My heart. My head. Even my own thoughts seemed to throb angrily, making my ears ring from the pressure.

I pressed my face into Edward’s strong, unyielding chest, breathing in his familiar scent. It helped. It centered me – grounded me again. I loved the way he smelled, the way he held me so carefully against his hard body, like I was something precious and irreplaceable. I realized then why I was aching inside so acutely. I was aching for him. I wanted to be closer. To crawl inside and dwell in the same place as him. I just wanted to be where he was. Call it obsession or adoration or love, all I knew was that Edward was my life. He was the missing part of me. He was right. We were already complete the way we were – human and vampire together. But was it enough for me, when I could reach out and take more? Was all the pain and sacrifice worth an eternity with him?

Of course it was.

I pulled back to look at him with clear eyes as I said, “We were made for each other, Edward. Two halves of the same person. How can I say no? I know in my heart that it’s right. It’s worth it.”

Edward pressed his lips into a thin, straight line. Something flashed in his eyes. Fear. Pity. “That’s your final decision, then? No turning back, Bella. This is deathly serious.”

I nodded, unwavering. “No turning back,” I echoed.

***

Epilogue

“This is morphine, Bella,” Carlisle explained gently. I flinched when the needle slipped into my arm. “It might help to ease the pain a bit at first. I know you wanted a bit of time to finish your story.”

I gulped and looked at Edward. “At first?”

He didn’t answer. He just stood before me, staring at me like I was on my deathbed, his face cold and bleak.

Carlisle took my hand and placed it in Edward’s like we were getting married all over again. “Now be gentle, Edward. Just as we discussed. Close to the heart. That’s the quickest way. The kindest.” Carlisle touched his hand to my face, a sad look on his beautiful features. “Dearest, Bella. I hope you still think kindly of us after this is done. All right, then. I think you’re ready. I’ll be right outside should you need me. Edward?”

Eyes never leaving my face, Edward nodded his head curtly, only moving it a fraction of an inch.

We were alone after that.

Edward closed his hands over my forearms, steadying me. I couldn’t stop shaking. I could feel the morphine creeping up on me. It felt like it was trying to numb my heart. “I’m frightened,” I admitted, shoulders inching upwards toward my ears.

“I know,” he whispered, coaxing me closer, lips against my forehead. “I’ve got you.”

“Make me read the journals, Edward. Promise me.”

“Shhh, love. I promise.”

He put an icy hand on my neck, his thumb resting on my hammering pulse. It sent a shock through me. I looked up at him, panicked, tears swimming in my eyes. “Please tell me what she told you,” I begged, gripping at the sleeve of his shirt.

“Who?” he asked, his voice soothing.

“Alice. I need to know what she showed you in that vision in Switzerland. When you stopped fighting me on becoming a vampire. Whatever you saw comforted you.”

His gaze softened. “Oh, Bella,” he whispered. “She just showed you to me. That’s all. After the change. You were ... Bella.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You were still my Bella,” he clarified, molding his hand to my face. “Still sweet and perfect. Still brave and beautiful. Still obstinate and infuriating.” He smiled as he said it, eyes shining at me in adoration. “Alice showed me a vision of you dancing around our meadow, sparkling in the sunlight. Laughing. Happy. I could still see your soul in your eyes. Oh, Bella. Do you honestly think I would be standing here about do to do this if I hadn’t seen your soul?”

Tears dripped from my chin unchecked. “Were you there, too?” I asked hopefully.

The sweetest smile I’ve ever seen spread across his face. He rested his forehead against mine, our eyes still locked. “What do you think?”

He kissed me then, achingly tender. And when we parted, there were tears on his face. It took me a moment to realize they were mine.

“I love you, Bella,” he said, and his hand came to rest on the back of my neck.

“Edward?” I whispered, shaking violently as he pressed his face to my throat. I felt his teeth graze me.

And now I arrive here in the present. I have to write this fast. There’s not much time.

Bella, listen to me. Yes, I realize I’m talking to myself now, but this whole story is meant for you to read anyway. To remember. You’re a different Bella than I am now. Remember who you are, and remember the people you care about.

And make sure you take care of Edward. He really does mean well – when he gets angry and puts holes in the wall, it’s just because he loves you. Be patient with him while he adjusts to the change. Know that you love him, too, even if you can’t remember. You love him so very much, Bella. Please, please don’t ever forget that.

I wish I had more to tell you. But you see, my name is Isabella Cullen. Bella, to my friends. I’m an eighteen year old girl from a small town in Washington. Mortal. Plain. Unextraordinary in every way except for maybe the vampire in my life. And this is the end of my story.

But it’s also the start of a new one. Yours.

I really do need to stop writing now, Bella. My hands are starting to shake.

***

The end.

But to be continued in a sequel. Oh, come on. I left the freaking bad guy alive. You had to see that one coming.

Author’s Notes: I’m not one to ask for comments. I don’t think a reader should ever feel obligated or pressured to offer praise or criticism. The story is yours to enjoy absolutely free with no strings attached. But if you have a moment, I would like to hear your thoughts, good or bad. I’ve learned so much about Edward and Bella from previous comments. You have no idea how much the little things you all would say inspired a line here or a scene there. I have been very blessed with new friends and readers. Thank you for putting up with my typos. I look forward to spinning new stories for you in the future. Thanks for reading. –Coquette

PS ... Edward SO has 90120 hair.

CLICK!!

Spiral Static -- Part Nine

2008-07-15T21:57:07Z

Summary: His lips were still curled in a smile as he touched them to mine again and again in a rain of soft kisses. “I’m not laughing at you,” he repeated, each word whispered between a kiss. “I’m adoring you.” Edward/Bella.

Previous Installments:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three & Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight

***

Spiral Static
Written by Coquette

Author’s Note: Wow, I wrote this fast. This chapter is a long one. I do hope you have all forgiven me by now for hurting poor Edward. The story lightens considerably from here and deals with the real matter at hand. Hope you enjoy.

***

Part Nine

I threw a Cheeto at Edward. It bounced off of his nose, leaving a small orange smudge in its wake. He ignored me, so I threw another.

“Stop that,” he muttered, batting it out of the air before it could hit him.

“Stop what?” I asked, nonplussed ... except not really.

“You’re littering.”

“Cheetos are biodegradable.” I frowned. “I think.”

“Nothing in nature is that color, Bella. Pick them up before you destroy the local ecosystem.”

I smiled as I bent down to retrieve the offending items from the dirt trail, happy that I had successfully riled him. Anything was better than the dejected silence he’d fallen into. We were in Switzerland. Ironic, that. The first place we’d fled to after the incident in Paris had been the place I’d once declared myself to be only last year: Neutral.

The town was on the map. If you had a very, very good map and a magnifying glass on hand. We were in a small valley overflowing with ancient trees, surrounded on all sides by mountains that were still capped with snow despite the time of year. The valley was green, flush with flowers and wildlife. The air was warm yet somehow cool and crisp at the same time. Like a perfect spring day when it wasn’t even springtime yet. I absolutely loved it.

There was a single road in and out – and a precarious one at that. It was a perfect refuge. Edward probably thought we were untraceable, but I think we both knew better deep down. We didn’t plan on staying more than another day or two anyway. Edward seemed strangely well-acquainted with the small town. He even nodded at a few of the townspeople as if he’d met them before. However, no one had approached us in greeting.

There was a single inn with a handful of small but tidy rooms for the daring hiker or fisherman that wandered into the area. It was a simple two minute hike to a small restaurant that was positioned beside the turquoise, fairytale-esque lake. Their menu was straightforward and right up my alley. They were the ones that had sold me the Cheetos, much to Edward’s dismay. Of course, he had been all about the dismay ever since Paris, so that wasn’t anything new.

“Are you ever going to cheer up?” I asked him as I carefully maneuvered the trail back to the inn.

Edward followed a step or two behind me, sniffing the orange bag of snacks he had taken from me suspiciously. “No.”

“I got over it. Why can’t you?”

It was true. Three days after the Paris incident – or rather, three days of me absolutely freaking out, constantly looking over my shoulder, and making myself miserable – I had an epiphany in the shower.

If I got my way (emphasis on the word if) these were going to be the last days I would ever spend with Edward as a human. That was something we were never going to get back. It was something I wanted to remember, to look back upon with a smile. The vampire leader who had kidnapped us had called it a wedding gift. As terrible as he was, the jerk had a point. It made sense to take advantage of the time. Sure, I was still afraid. But as the date grew closer – only ten days left now – my resolve only strengthened.

Unfortunately, Edward’s resolve had strengthened, too. Unreasonably so.

The bag crumbled in his fist. “I hate it when you make light of this,” he said through clenched teeth.

I shrugged a shoulder. “And I hate that you can’t. It’s better this way. Trust me.”

“How can you say that?”

“I’ve made my choice. It’s already done. Why not enjoy the time I have left? I’m not afraid anymore.”

“Not afraid? If that’s the case, you’re an idiot.”

“Hey, I’m not the one with orange Cheeto dust on my nose, am I?”

Edward swiped at his face self-consciously.

“You know, it’s really up to you how you want to do this, Edward. You can either be miserable and miss out. Or you can suck it up and be happy. No pun intended.” I snorted irreverently, putting a hand on my stomach. “Get it? Suck it up?”

“Uggh,” he lamented. “I want to find a piece of tape and put it over your mouth.”

I was undaunted. “Charlie taught me Morse code. I could tap out messages to you all day with my feet.”

Edward stopped walking, turning to look down at me slowly. He was fighting it – fighting it with everything he had – but I could see a smile threatening to tug at his mouth. I smiled up at him to encourage it. His eyes softened upon my face. I could see him pulling out of the haze, inch by painful inch. Putty in my hands.

He reached over, oh so hesitantly, to brush a strand of hair away from my eyes. “I could tie up your feet, too.”

I leaned into his touch. “Uh-huh. But you haven’t said anything about my hands yet. I’ll just take the tape off my mouth and untie my feet when you’re not looking. Elementary, really.”

He smiled down at me – finally, a real smile – but it was sad and reflective. “You brave little girl, you,” he whispered, touching the planes of my cheek.

“Well, it’s really not that complicated. If I have tape on my mouth but not my hands, I can–”

He effectively shushed me with a finger placed over my lips. “You know what I mean, Bella.”

I stared up at him, my own gaze softening. He was doing that thing with his eyes that made me melt so effectively into a puddle. Dazzling me. “I’m not that brave,” I whispered back.

“Of course you are. Always trying to be so strong, even in the midst of a nightmare.” He sighed, resigned, and shook his head at me. “And there it is again. I can’t get it away from it. How do you do it, Bella, when no one else can manage it?”

“What?” I asked, mystified.

Again he smoothed my hair back, tracing his hand down my cheek and neck as if he were framing my face. “You can just look at me and lift me up when I’m at my very lowest.”

I flushed, my cheek burning against the coolness of his hand. “I was going to ask you the same question.”

He put his hands on my shoulders and stooped to kiss me. It was almost shy, hesitant, as if he thought he might break me at the slightest touch. I stayed very still in his arms and let him drop feather soft kisses on my mouth. “Are you going to cheer up now?” I whispered against his lips.

“No. Hold still.” And then he was kissing me for real, with the sort of urgent sadness that made me reminiscent of his infamous goodbye kisses. He’d been doing that a lot lately. I let him, content with what affection he offered me.

In the distance, I heard a distinct giggle. Muffled, far away, but definitely audible. A tree branch snapped.

Edward didn’t appear to notice. Strange, that. I pulled away from him, my ears prickling. “Did you hear that?” I whispered, gripping his shirt in my hand. “I think someone’s out there. I’ve been hearing noises like that since we got here.”

The corner of Edward’s mouth twitched. “You’re always more perceptive than I give you credit for.”

“Well, come on now. I’m not stupid. Ever since Paris, I’ve been a little more aware of what’s going on around me. You don’t sound concerned. Don’t you hear it?”

“Of course I do.” Edward glanced behind us indifferently. “They’re not being very subtle about the following, are they? I suppose they’re not really trying. You’d never hear them if that were the case.”

I stared at him, poised to run.

“Oh, please, Bella. Give me a little credit. As if I was going to bring you here with just me to protect you. Or bring you back to Forks where they’re probably watching, waiting for us to run home with our tails tucked between our legs. Have you even noticed what kind of car is parked outside of our inn?”

I bit my lip. I had noticed it. It was rather hard not to notice something that big, red, shiny, and out of place. “It is a little...”

“Ostentatious?”

I stared up at Edward. “Your family is here?”

He nodded. “All six of them. We also have several allies in the area that have been alerted if we need help. That’s why I chose to bring you here. I requested that they all give us a bit of privacy. I have to keep some semblance of normality, don’t I?”

Normally, I would have been upset. I would have argued until I was blue in the face. I hated to be fussed over. But I wasn’t stupid. After the terror in Paris, sitting alone in that horrible hotel room without anyone to go to for help, the idea of being surrounded and protected was incredibly comforting. “You should have told me. I would have slept better knowing.”

“Well, now you know.”

I stared into the distance, into the thick copse of wood that hid them from my view. “Are they all out there following us?”

“Just Jasper and Alice. They’re walking back from hunting.”

“Should we wait for them?”

“Did you miss the part where I said I requested privacy with you?”

I blinked at him. “Can I at least say hello to them?”

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “If you must.”

Narrowing my eyes, I cupped my hands over my mouth like a megaphone. “Hi, everyone!” I shouted into the forest.

“Hi, Bella!” came Alice’s chipper voice from far in the distance. “I’m glad you’re not dead!”

“Thanks! Me, too!”

Edward shook his head despairingly all the way back to the inn. I thought it might come right off. When we were alone in the room, I asked him, “Can we talk about this, please? I know you don’t want to, but I have a lot of questions.”

“About what?” he asked, his back turned against me as he searched for something in his suitcase.

I sat down on the bed and studied his profile. “About what happens when you turn me.”

He turned slowly in my direction with that look on his face that clearly said, You did not just bring that up again. But he didn’t punch a hole in the wall. I considered it progress.

“About that,” he began, his voice taking on a quality I knew all too well. “I’ve been doing some thinking.”

I could see where he was going before he took the first step. He was, after all, Edward. The little schemer. “No,” I said flatly. “No more thinking. You’re not going to figure out a way to weasel out of this.”

“Hear me out.”

“I’ve already made up my mind.”

He slammed the suitcase shut, then spun around to glare at me. “I don’t have to give you a choice, you know.”

“What are you going to do?” I scoffed. “Hide me in a box forever?”

“Not a bad idea. I could care for you well enough. Cut a little air hole for you. Maybe get you a hamster wheel for exercise.”

“You’re funny.”

“I’m not laughing.”

“You promised me. I married you!”

“I’m not above breaking a promise. I love you, Bella. I would do anything in the world to keep you safe. Anything. ”

“Then I’ll find someone else do to it, then. Carlisle is around, you said?” I dug my cell phone out of the pocket of my jeans.

I blinked, and Edward was suddenly right in front of me with my wrist in his hand, held in his iron grasp. To say he was furious would have been an understatement.

“Don’t. You. Dare. ”

I glared right back at him, fearless, then calmly reached over and took the cell phone with my free hand.

“Bella. ”

“I am not your dog, Edward,” I bit out. “You cannot just call out my name and expect me to heel. I’m your wife, which was all your doing in case you don’t remember. Now let go of my wrist.”

I think the heat behind my words must have shocked him a little bit. Because he did just that.

Free from his grasp, I marched out of the room, livid, not knowing where I was headed. I gasped when I turned a corner and saw Alice standing there in the doorway of another room. She already had the door open, waiting for us, a knowing look on her face.

“I’ve already gathered everyone together,” she told me. “Don’t worry, Bella. He’s got to go through this. I promise this is the last time.”

***

“I could take her somewhere safe,” Edward argued. He was the only person in the room in motion, pacing furiously back and forth in the cramped place. “There’s got to be somewhere they can’t find us.”

“There isn’t,” Emmett interjected helpfully.

“You can’t know that!”

“I can,” said Alice. “Edward, let me make this quite plain. If you defy these people and take Bella away, we all die, one by one. They’ve unblocked my visions. I’ve seen it all play out in my head.”

“This was already decided long ago, Edward,” Carlisle gently reminded. “Bella has already made her choice and asked that we back her up.”

“They used me to frighten her and force her into compliance. She’s not equipped to make the right choice.”

“The hell I’m not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here!”

“Wow, would you listen to her. Edward’s finally got a proper leash on.”

Snickering sounded around the room. Even Rosalie smirked a bit, quietly amused. She was the only one in the room who hadn’t engaged in the arguing. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, watching the proceedings in silence.

“Everyone please,” said Esme in her soothing voice. She was sitting on the bed beside me with her arm around my shoulders. “Have a little pity on Edward. This is very hard on him.”

“I lost my ability to pity him two hours ago,” said Alice, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah. He’s just whining now.”

“Emmett...” Carlisle said, quietly scolding.

The mood lightened inexplicably at that moment. Everyone turned to look at Jasper.

“What?” he asked nonchalantly. “The yelling was hurting my ears.”

No one could really blame him. The arguing had been going on for the better part of two hours, and Edward was as stubborn and unrelenting as ever. He actually seemed to think the decision was really in his hands in the first place. Mind reader or not, he didn’t fully grasp that everyone was only going through the motions of arguing to let him work through it.

“Edward,” I said evenly. “I’m doing this with or without you. The choice is up to you whether you want to be a part of it.”

Edward looked at me hopelessly. And then he suddenly smiled. Shaking his head, he growled through clenched teeth, “Stop it, Jasper.”

“Oh, come on,” said Jasper, throwing his hands up. “We all know whoever’s side the women are on, they’re going to win anyway. Let’s be happy and give it a rest, yeah?”

Nods of agreement all around. The younger vampires began filing out of the room.

“We’re not through! I’m not done here!”

Carlisle stood up, and everyone stopped dead. “Yes, Edward, you are. Now this whole family cares for Bella just as much as we care for you. You’re asking us to lose not only a son and brother, but now a daughter and sister, too. That is unacceptable. I’m disappointed in you, Edward, when you’ve already given your word to Bella.”

Edward hung his head. “I love her too much, Carlisle. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to hurt her.”

“I know, Edward. It’s all right. Let me take this burden from you.”

And then Carlisle turned and looked at me, so beautiful and strangely huge to me at that moment. I froze, suddenly terrified. Whoa whoa whoa now? my mind squealed. I hadn’t been expecting to jump right into it.

“Don’t be afraid, Bella,” he said, reading my body language correctly. “I’ll do it now, if you want me to. We’re in a remote place here. A good a place as any. I don’t know if Edward is going to cooperate, but you and I understand each other, don’t we? We both want the family to be safe.”

Edward stiffened, eyes ablaze, his hands balled together in little fists.

“I do want the family to be safe,” I whispered to Carlisle. “Thank you for supporting me, but Edward isn’t ready yet. We still have ten days.”

Carlisle turned to Alice. “Will they be left in peace until the time runs out?”

“Yes,” Alice said with a nod, though she sounded distracted. She was standing beside Edward, looking anxious as she tugged on his sleeve. She appeared to be speaking with him silently, pleading her case regarding something.

“All right then, Bella,” said Carlisle. He touched my face affectionately. “But you must understand, I’m going to insist upon it when the time is up.”

“I understand,” I said, my voice shaky. “Thank you.”

“Edward, I trust you’ll behave yourself after we leave. No broken furniture tonight. The people in this town don’t have much. All right, everyone. That’s it.”

We had been dismissed from the impromptu meeting, but I couldn’t move. Edward was glaring at me, planning something. I could see the wheels turning in his head. The look in his eyes could have reduced me to cinder.

Alice interceded. “Edward, please. Don’t do what you’re thinking about doing. Just listen to me, okay?” she begged. She gripped him by his forearms and locked eyes with him. No words followed.

Edward’s face became clear, the lines of tension smoothed.

I have no idea what kind of vision Alice shared with Edward in that silent moment. All I know is ... it changed everything.

***

Edward went hunting after the meeting with his family. Alone, presumably to indulge in a lot of pouting and brooding while he killed something. Hopefully he didn’t plan to continue plotting, though. I waited for him in the hotel room, lying on the bed, engrossed in my thoughts.

I thought about his behavior and what was at the root of it. I knew it wasn’t that he disliked the idea of spending forever with me, but sometimes the heated rejection still stung a bit. The truth of it was a bit more humbling, and I had to repeat it to myself over and over to fight back those feelings of rejection when they crept up on me.

The truth of it was this – Edward loved me so much that the idea of destroying a part of me was absolutely unacceptable to him.

I wondered if he could ever actually bring himself to do it. The way his face had changed when Alice had showed him that vision ... it made hope spring in my heart. As much as I cared for Carlisle, I wanted Edward to be the one to do it. If it was going to happen at all, that was the way I would have it.

The curtains barely moved as Edward slipped through the open window soundlessly. He looked enormous there, looming in the corner. Dangerous. Fresh from a hunt. I gulped, wondering what fight he had in store for me next. But he only tugged off his outer sweater and let it fall on top of his suitcase. He crawled onto the bed and toward me, all the way over until he was on top of me. But he didn’t lower himself. He held his body above mine with his knees and a hand, smoothing my hair back from my face with the other hand. I relaxed underneath him, coaxed by his gentleness.

Edward stared down at me for a long time before he spoke. “I won’t say anything else,” he whispered, his breath fanning my face. “I promise.”

I blinked at him, mystified with the abrupt one-eighty. “What did Alice tell you?”

His jaw tensed as he obviously tried to decide if he wanted to share something with me. “Just ... how things will turn out. In the end. If I decide to be patient.”

I could tell from the look on his face that he wouldn’t tell me more than that. I just had one question. “Good?”

He nodded, his expression still grim but calm.

That was comforting to me. “I wonder why Alice didn’t speak up sooner.”

“Because she could see that I had just decided that I was going to steal you away tonight.”

I bolted up until I was nose to nose with him. “You wouldn’t have...”

“Oh, wouldn’t I?” He gripped my shoulders and eased me back onto the bed, stretching out his body next to mine. “Calm down, Bella. I said I would stop. Just ... stay with me here for a little while. I want to hold you, look at you.”

Our heads were on the same pillow, our faces so close that if I leaned over an inch, I would be kissing him. We stared at each other, unblinking, breathing each other’s breath. “You understand why I’m like this, don’t you?” he asked. “Why I fight so hard against you sometimes?”

I answered without hesitating. “Because you hate not being in control of what happens to me. You hate the uncertainty. It frightens you.”

“No...” he said slowly, eyes narrowing at me. “It’s because I love you, Bella.”

“Yes. That, too,” I allowed. “But Edward, just think about it for a second.”

He did, and I watched it slowly dawn on him. “I really hate it sometimes when you’re perceptive.”

“You are in control, you know. You realize that, don’t you?”

He chuckled – a sharp, bitter sound. “Not really, no.”

“You think you’re not. You think you’re so weak, that your resolve could shatter at any moment. You hold back in everything that has to do with me. You held back when we first met. You hold back when you make love to me. Even when we do little things, like kiss or hold each other or even try to talk. Even then you’re always hiding things and not telling me the whole truth. I can feel you, so tense all the time. I know you’re afraid of hurting me, but isn’t your first instinct always to protect me instead? First and foremost?”

His face was expressionless. “Depends on the day.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Oh, please. You can say all you want on that particular subject, and I’ll never believe you. I’d be dead already if you weren’t stronger than that. I’ve never seen someone fight so hard against everything they are. You, Edward Cullen, are simultaneously the strongest person and the biggest coward I have ever met.”

“Thank you, Bella. That’s very sweet of you to say.”

“I’m serious. You’re a coward because you shrink away from everything, not realizing that you’re already capable of dealing with it. I think the cowardice would take care of itself if you acknowledged your strength. You’re just afraid, is all.”

“You think too much of me,” he whispered, closing his eyes, shutting me out.

“No. I’m just on the outside. I can see you more clearly than you see yourself. And Edward? This ... thing that’s going to happen to me in ten days? We’re in control of it, too. Together. We’ll make it all right. We’ll make it a good thing. I love you so much, Edward. I don’t tell you that enough, do I?”

His eyes cracked open to look at me. “Only every time I hear you say my name, love.”

Overcome, I covered the small distance between our lips and kissed him. It took him a moment, but he opened himself up to it, letting me guide him and show him what I wanted. I began to coax him out of his clothes and let him take his time when he removed my own. I think he must have kissed every inch of me before he was finished, whispering how beautiful he thought I was and how much he loved me, every inch of the way. By the time he was done, I had no bone structure left. I was mush on the sheets.

Somehow I managed to reach around his neck and guide him over me. He was hesitant, but to my relief, he complied and let me wrap my thighs around his narrow hips, straddling him from underneath. I never would have managed it if he’d fought against me. It was a position we hadn’t been in since our first night together. Missionary, they called it. A ridiculous name for it. There was nothing old fashioned, boring, or reminiscent of missionaries about it. The connection Edward and I had felt that first night – bodies pressed so tight together, chest to chest, lips barely touching – I wanted to get that back again. We needed it.

“I don’t like it this way,” Edward protested. He was lying for my sake. He liked it a lot. “I’m too heavy for you. I’ll just bruise you again.”

“Shhh. No, you won’t. Not if we take it slow.”

Forehead pressed together, eyes locked, we made love. It didn’t hurt anymore. I wasn’t shy or afraid. Just captivated. Dazzled. We took our time about it – all smoothness and velvet, soft kisses – nothing desperate or urgent to fight against. My climax wasn’t as intense as the times before, but it was good all the same. Just a centered moment of peace, of rightness, as all the tension seeped out of my body. It was perfect.

Edward tried to pull away from me then, poised to deny himself his own release. I was ready for him. “Don’t,” I growled, “even think about it.”

He stared at me for a second, momentarily stunned, then gasped my name when I squeezed my muscles, straining against him with all my strength. It didn’t take much for him to go over the edge. I think he’d already let himself go too far to begin with. He climaxed, long and hard, his face pressed into my neck.

I froze beneath him, anxious. For a split second, I thought he was going to bite me and change me over right then and there. I would have let him, though it didn’t feel like the right time. But instead of piercing teeth I felt his lips, soft and sweet on my neck as they kissed the pulse hammering in my throat. Edward was still in control.

“Hmmm,” I said, running my fingers through the hair I had just nearly pulled out. “Looks like I was right about the control thing after all. I guess an old dog can be taught new tricks.”

I really did need to learn to keep my mouth shut at moments like that.

Edward lifted his head up, ruffled and grumpy. He looked like he’d just woken up from a nap after not sleeping for 80 years. He peered down at me disapprovingly through heavy-lidded eyes. “Bella,” he said in an even tone. “If you refer to me as a dog ever again, I will drag you to that freezing lake out there and dump you in headfirst.”

I snorted with laughter, unable to help it, and spouted off something inappropriate. I might have used the phrase dog paddling. It wasn’t as if I expected him to actually act on his oath.

Edward’s eyes flared.

“No, no, no, no, no! ” I screamed, all the way out the window, through the trail in the woods, and down to the lake.

It was very cold in the water. Edward was there with me though, and despite his own frigid body temperature, he managed to find a way to warm me right up again.

***

To be concluded. (Aww, sad.) :(